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DH won't tell me how much he earns.

(440 Posts)
Katiejon Mon 24-Mar-14 20:39:26

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 24-Mar-14 20:40:52

Open his mail?

Logg1e Mon 24-Mar-14 20:41:34

How are you fixed for money? Are you short after you've made your contributions to the joint account?

I think this is a strange one, in a way I can think of situations you wouldn't need to know, but I can't imagine being in a relationship where you didn't.

PrincessOfChina Mon 24-Mar-14 20:41:56


Or more helpfully, insist on a discussion and ask him his reasons for not telling you. I can't think if any rational reasons but perhaps he can.

RandomMess Mon 24-Mar-14 20:42:02

I really wouldn't be happy about this, was it never discussed pre-marriage?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 24-Mar-14 20:42:43

Snoop? Why do you want to know?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 24-Mar-14 20:42:47

Do you have your own income OP or are you totally reliant on him?

StrawberryCheese Mon 24-Mar-14 20:43:42

I couldn't stand for that, I'd be worried about what he is hiding.

Shakey1500 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:44:45

Bizzare hmm

What's his reasons for not discussing? To refuse to discuss or not give a valid reason for withholding the information is disrespectful to you.

Not something I could live with I'm afraid.

GimmeDaBoobehz Mon 24-Mar-14 20:45:03

Why on earth would you not tell someone who you are in a relationship with how much you earn?

It just seems ludicrous. Surely your partner you would tell above anyone else.

My Dad is quite similar to be honest. He used to be very shady about it and gets offended if I/Mum asks. I think with me that is sort of OK although I have never asked him to be nosy/rude I've asked when there has been a 1% rise to see how much difference that would make etc.

I just find it bizarre not to tell your nearest and dearest how much you earn. What are they going to do - steal your money or complain you don't earn enough? Not likely if they are a loving partner/child/sibling.

I would always tell my partner, my parents and my children if they were old enough to understand.

Lazybones12 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:45:34

Sounds off to me... Funny marriage/partnership...

hamptoncourt Mon 24-Mar-14 20:46:38

Is this the tip of the iceberg Katie?

ShatterResistant Mon 24-Mar-14 20:46:41

I dunno - my mum never knew how much my dad earned. I never really understood it, but the key was, she didn't mind. I think I would mind, and you seem to too...

HudYerWeisht Mon 24-Mar-14 20:46:55

Why do you want to know?

Katiejon Mon 24-Mar-14 20:48:00

Wow, that was a qick response. Thank u all.
Am SAHM, no income of my own, so totally reliant on his income.
He is asleep now (baby wakes by 6.30 am).
I told him I wanted to see bank statements.
Being objective, I'm wondering if he has debts I know nothing about.

Stockhausen Mon 24-Mar-14 20:48:23

Is he paying maintenance for a child? Gambling?

sooperdooper Mon 24-Mar-14 20:48:42

How bizarre, are you reliant on him for money OP?

Shakey1500 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:02

Do you receive the child benefit and any tax credits into your own account?

Katiejon Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:32

Big thanks!
Most of you think he is being unreasonable concealing information from me. Yes, I'm also wondering if this is the tip of the iceberg.
What else is witheld from me and what relationship do we have?

sooperdooper Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:46

Sorry, cross posts, I think you have every right to know and see statements, how do you know the bills are being paid if you don't have access to the accounts? What if he got ill and you didn't know what money was where?

NoArmaniNoPunani Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:51

I find this very odd. My mum never knew what my dad earned but he was an abusive liar who had lots of affairs. What's your DH hiding?

WipsGlitter Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:51

I don't know how much DP earns exactly. I have a broad idea. But I have my own income.

On the one hand if he's not keeping you short - does it matter? On the other he could be hiding something.

Are you on mat leave?

AwfulMaureen Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:53

I would not stand for this OP. It's not 1955're in a partnership and financial decisions should be joint.

My friend has no idea and she's helpless...he pays all the bills online and she has money put into her account monthly for shopping etc...if he dies or something she won't even know if he's got a pension or how to deal with it!

Viviennemary Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:53

Why is he doing this is what I would want to know. Until you know his reasons it is quite difficult to deal with.

cece Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:57

I think it would worry me too.

Why is it a big secret? I'd worry about debts/gambling/maintenance for an unknown child etc too.

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