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Thread for those who have serious dysfunctional relationships with their Mothers

(94 Posts)
bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:02:05

I know there have been threads before, so I know there are many of you out there who have very difficult relationships with their Mother...and I hope nobody minds me starting this now. It's coming up to Mother's Day, which is a really difficult time for us.

At risk of being narcissistic (and I am being), my own Mother left when I was young and has being the opposite of what I consider a Mother to be, that is the Mother my friends had, the Mother my cousins and husband had. I always think I am winning the battle, gosh, I have done it all! Eating disorders, self harm, you name it! However, today got me, it got me so much I want to hit myself! Someone who is old enough to be my Mother was kind to me, and grateful for a favour I did and that really got me. It's a crap time of year with all the 'fantastic Mother' stuff around and it is bloody exhausting trying to deal with all the self-hatred and anger.

I know it's not just me.

mansize Mon 24-Mar-14 19:12:49

It's not just you. My mother abused me emotionally and physically at every opportunity until I left 'home'. I feel the memories in my body sometimes. I have no feelings for her other than anger. I sometimes fantasise about recounting all this to her, but am afraid she'd try to kill herself. Oh the irony.

JustTheRightBullets Mon 24-Mar-14 19:20:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 19:25:41

It's been over 30 years since my mum left (I was 12) and behaved in a toxic way ever since. She left the Monday after Mothers Day.

I've been nc for 10 years now and it's still hard at this time of year. I try to make it all about my dc, not me.

bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:30:37

There scars are just too deep, being treated this way by your own Mother is the ultimate betrayal.

mansize, I feel anger too and I did tell her how I felt, do you know what it was such a release, I didn't expect I would feel that way! I don't want to judge your own situation but it really helped me take charge of my feelings.

It is 100 times worse when you have your own children and realise how much you love them

I am sorry bullets about how your Mum has treated you. xx

bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:32:23

Weegiemum you could be me. I have been NC for just over a year so early days still.

This time of year is horrible, I torture myself. Talking like this helps me realise it is not ME and this happens to others

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 19:33:09

I've been in therapy for years, have a PD diagnosis. I've had 3 years medication free now and my psychologist is delighted with me.

I will never talk to her again!

CoilRegret Mon 24-Mar-14 19:33:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mansize Mon 24-Mar-14 19:36:43

Bullets, that's awful.

Weegie, well done (if you know what I mean) for maintaining 10 years NC. Does she ever try to contact you?

Bish, I have come close at times but she is such a small woman in so many ways, I almost pity her. She has no friends and has no concept of life beyond the housework, which she is fastidious about. My father died recently so she's all alone now. As much as I hate her I can't bring myself to make her feel worse, despite all the horrible things she did and said to me. Ridiculous, isn't it?

MummyBeerest Mon 24-Mar-14 19:41:37

It's soooo not just you.

My relationship with my mother is definitely toxic. Though not as terrible as some others, it's really effected my life and relationships with others.

It was my mother's birthday yesterday. She sat with tears in her eyes and went on and on about all the sacrifices she made for us, how hard she worked, and how now it's time to start living for herself.

Except she's always lived for herself.

She stayed in a dysfunctional marriage for money, is drowning in debt because of things she "just wants," and has always put pressure on us to live and be exactly as she wants us to be because she believes it all reflects on her.

She's thrown me under the bus so many times when I needed her help, shamed me more times than I care to remember, and blatantly favoured my sister over me.

And I had to sit and listen to her horse shit.

Here, Mother's Day is in May. I dread it. I have a DD and I fear becoming like my mother towards her.

RockinD Mon 24-Mar-14 19:43:32

I no longer have a dysfunctional relationship with my mother. 26 years ago she decided that I was such a disappointment to her that she wanted nothing more to do with me. The letter arrived when I was in hospital on a drip, threatening to go into premature labour. She has never seen her second GD and never bothered with the first since then.

Any approach I have made to her has been completely rejected. My attempt to sort this out after the death of my enabler father was labelled 'cruel and heartless'

I hate Mothers' Day. She is 94 now and lives alone in a sheltered flat. She has no friends and no other family. I feel that I should be making sure she is all right, but she won't let me near and there is no-one to mediate.

She's never liked me and everything I ever did was wrong, so at least I don't have to worry any more about pleasing the unpleasable, but I would love to know why she cut me off as she did, because I haven't got a bloody clue!

JustTheRightBullets Mon 24-Mar-14 19:45:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey1500 Mon 24-Mar-14 19:58:36

My Mum rewrites things Bullets. It's so convenient isn't it? Nobody saw what went on behind closed doors but to the outside world, my "mother" is an absolute SAINT.

Fortunately my sister and I are incredibly close and have shared memories. We keep each other sane (well, I kind of wasn't sane for a while but that's another thread).

I do have a relationship with my mother and I use it to my full advantage. To me, she is a very useful babysitter, as despite being an appalling mother to us, she is the epitome of a devoted grandparent. How this has panned out I really don't know. I think she has had some "fugue" (sp?) and re-written history so much she lives and breathes the improved version. If that makes sense??

We have had "discussions" and she knows (in her unchanged history moments of lucidity and recall) that I do not, and never will, either forget or forgive. She knows I "tolerate" her. I assume she knows I use her to the hilt but I care not.

I very much doubt I will shed tears for her loss when she dies. I will probably mourn the fact that I have lived my whole life not knowing anything of this special mother/daughter relationship that many speak of.

Neither do I know of father/daughter relationships as he died when I was 4. I feel that loss

So all in all, I have always felt parent-less.

I buy a Mother's day card but stand there for ages finding the most generic card I can that doesn't include words such as "special" "love" etc

Edenviolet Mon 24-Mar-14 20:01:47

Its not just you.

My relationship with my mum is just weird. Sometimes its bearable and I can speak to her, other times the hurt from the past is just too much.

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 20:04:18

She wrote to me, said she'd "consider" talking to me again if I'd hear her out.

Aye right.

She blanked me totally at my Gran's funeral in 1997 and again at my brothers wedding last October. She even tried to avoid talking to my gorgeous 14yo dd1 who had decided she wanted to say hello - compared all my dd said to my sister's partner's son she'd known for all of 2 years. Made no attempt to talk to me, dh, ds or dd2.

There are no possible future events I could see her at.

I hope I'm spared having to see her again. I don't hate her - she's a stranger to me now. I have a fantabulous Stepmum who is the best mum I could ever want!

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Mon 24-Mar-14 20:09:57

This is such a helpful thread bishbash

shakey Uncanny! I did that today at lunchtime; ended up finding a very generic Mother's Day with flowers on, no 'special' or 'love' anywhere in sight. So I get to feel proud and that I've done the right thing by getting her one, without selling my soul at the same time!

My mum has rewritten history, she is genuinely completely confused why we aren't close. I've tried explaining, but there's no point, she never ever gets it.

KathrynJaneway Mon 24-Mar-14 20:21:46

shakey I buy a Mother's day card but stand there for ages finding the most generic card I can that doesn't include words such as "special" "love" etc

Me too! I try to find one that just says happy birthday or happy Mother's Day, something as bloody plain as possible.

I always feel so sad when I read on fb or hear people talking about their wonderful mother, mine was such a disaster, she should never have had children. I don't feel jealous, just deep sadness and think you are so lucky. I worry that my kids will grow up and shake their heads when their phone rings and say awh no it's mother, I won't answer just like I do now.

KathrynJaneway Mon 24-Mar-14 20:24:45

Mummy they don't get it because they are in denial, I know mine is anyway. I say to her 'do you remember calling me stupid? Ugly? Telling me I will never go anywhere in life or be anything? Herself: I never said such a thing!

bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 20:29:50

What u don't understand is all the people u know how great relationships with their mums and it wouldn't make a difference for them to understand, but u so wish they could live a day feeling the loss and emptiness u (we) feel

U know my best friends are mother figures, and I'm lucky to have two fabulous 'other mothers'

I feel exhausted though that for the rest of my life I will torture myself on irrational days

Shakey1500 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:31:30

Ditto birthday and Christmas cards. I'm sure the card shop people watch with amusement as I pick cards up, scan the inside and emit things along the lines of-

Yeah right!
I don't think so.

CoilRegret Mon 24-Mar-14 20:35:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustTheRightBullets Mon 24-Mar-14 20:40:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weegiemum Mon 24-Mar-14 20:43:53

Before I went nc I would buy a plain "flowers on the front" type card. And just sign it "to mum from weegie".

I love buying cards for my Stepmum and even mil!!

Planning things they'll like!

My dh has been an awesome support in this. Initiated traditions! Daffodil bouquets (they're my favourite flower!), lunch out (my "mother" never wanted this), the dc buy me an Easter Egg, and I get a little one for them too.

For the last 4-5 years we've nailed it with his help. Lunch, flowers, eggs! Then 2 years ago he and the kids bought me 2 guinea pigs (my fave pet!!). Last year we went to Edinburgh Zoo to see the Pandas (my fave fantasy pet!).

I have a huge "STUFF MY BIRTH MOTHER" thing going on! My clinical psychologist loves it, I've broken free!

KathrynJaneway Mon 24-Mar-14 20:47:35

RE the mother figures, I have found throughout my life wherever I've lived, I have always sought out another mother, one of my closest friends is just a few years younger than my own mother, a wonderful woman who has been through so much and come out the other side still smiling and positive , I love her to bits, she lives a few thousand miles away unfortunately. When I got married first I had hopes that I would have that closeness with my mil but sadly it wasn't to be.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Mon 24-Mar-14 20:57:37

That's awesome Weegie, how lovely!

I actually love when my DDs come home with Mother's Day/Easter cards from nursery (is it narcissistic that I like it!) just the thought of them beavering away making it makes me grin and well up a bit.

Do you ever feel like you have a lot of love to give (to a mum) but have been cheated..
I saw Emma Thompson on tv the other day and remember thinking 'I wish she was my mum!' To be fair I don't think she's old enough but hey!

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