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In such a mess

(111 Posts)
GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 17:55:43

I'm seeing someone who I've know for quite a while. We first met a few years ago, when I was young, free and single. I fell for him, thought it was going well. Then he suddenly ignored my calls and texts, then I think he did text but sent a bit of a nasty text when I cancelled a date.

Fast forward a few years, I met someone, had dd but now a single mum. About a year ago it heard from this bloke again. He apologised, and we met up, again I thought it was going well, he stayed over, we went out for meals. Then he texted saying he wasn't in a good place, so needed time to think etc, etc.

I left it then, I was struggling myself with depression and couldn't deal with being messed about. But being vulnerable, when he started begging me to meet up, saying we'd be good together and he missed me, I fell for it. But had doubts, I don't completely trust him. I feel a bit used, he never buys me anything, pays for meals (not that I care too much about that, but a bottle of wine, flowers would be nice) Sometimes I haven't felt up for dtd, but he's not taken no for an answer. He's done stuff I didn't like, but he didn't listen.

He always comes to mine, I know nothing about him really, yet he talks about living together, our dd's meeting each other. I feel he's just going to ignore me again, yet he seems keener than me.

If you've got this far, I haven't even said why I need advice. I'm pregnant, early days. He doesn't know. I'm scared, I don't know what to do. I know I need to tell him but I don't want to. He could turn around and be supportive and move in (once he's got to know dd, not rushed), but then I'll always feel insecure. Or he'll not want anything to do with it. I am ok with the idea to being a single mum to two dc. I have friends and family for support. He's coming over tonight, but I really don't feel like sex. I'm tired and nauseous. I know I've been very stupid, it's my fault, my mess, but I'm really confused. I should talk to him tonight but I don't feel able to.

MairzyDoats Mon 24-Mar-14 18:01:12

He's not taken no for an answer?! Hold on right there, what on earth are you doing with him? A good guy does not ignore you when you say no. Run for the hills.

magoria Mon 24-Mar-14 18:03:58

Sometimes I haven't felt up for dtd, but he's not taken no for an answer. He's done stuff I didn't like, but he didn't listen.


If you have said no and he had sex with you anyway that is rape.

Apart from that he blows hot and cold and messes with your head. He comes on strong when you are vulnerable and probably not able to deal with him properly. He is nasty when you don't fall into line with his plans. He is tight/selfish.

I think he knows exactly what he is doing.

Do not let this man near your DD. Do not carry on a relationship with him. Your depression will be a lot worse long term with this man.

Please don't take this the wrong way is a termination an option?

You deserve a life away from this man a child would tie you to him forever.

LineRunner Mon 24-Mar-14 18:05:10

He sounds like a user and a drain. I would detach from him.

Make the decision about your pregnancy without him bringing you down.

And good luck with whatever you decide thanks

akaWisey Mon 24-Mar-14 18:06:04

I agree with the pp's. Don't tell him about the pg and don't see him again.

mcmooncup Mon 24-Mar-14 18:06:16

First things first. Don't even think about talking to him tonight.

You need time out as a priority before you tie yourself to this waste of space for life.

PiratesLifeForMe Mon 24-Mar-14 18:06:26

Oh no, he doesn't take no for an answer and does things you don't like but doesn't listen?

Absolutely not ok, on this alone you should have nothing more to do with him and keep your children away from him.

GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 18:11:02

I suppose I didn't say no forcibly enough, it was when I was on my period and didn't want to. I don't always enjoy it. He says really nice things, maybe he knows what I want to hear. But I don't feel he really cares about me. I've got a few sh scars which he must have seen but never mentioned. I feel my heads a real mess. I want to cancel seeing him tonight, but then I think it might be ok. I could be part of a real family, not just a single mum. But I do care about dd more than anything, and I don't think I could have a termination, so need to put dc first. But isn't that trying to make a relationship work.

magoria Mon 24-Mar-14 18:15:59

How you say no is not important. You said no.

That is the end of your consent.

He also does stuff you don't like. That is not what someone who cares about you does.

If it is early days and termination is not an option then take your time. It doesn't matter when you tell him.

Take space for yourself.

Can you go to your doctor and talk to them for some help to clear your head.

Trying to make a relationship work is not always best for the DC. Personally I feel it is better for your current DD not to breath the same air as this man.

I hope I am not sounding too harsh and upsetting you!

Just take your time and breath. A few days/week will not make much difference right now.

GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 18:18:04

Also we hardly ever go out, and when we did he sat and watched the football in the pub. But then I get a text saying he wants everything with me?! This time last year we had a nice eve out, then I heard nothing. All over Xmas and new year I heard nothing too. Plus he's quite secretive about his phone, but I could have trust issues? I don't know, have I been stupid. I haven't been well in the past year mentally, so maybe he had picked up on my vulnerability.

LavenderGreen14 Mon 24-Mar-14 18:27:33

Is he married?

I am sorry, but you need to get away from him. And you need to work on yourself to get some proper boundaries and self esteem. He is awful.

But aside from that no means no, no matter how or when you say it. He makes you have sex and he does things you don't want, he pays for nothing, he ignores you, leaves you for months on end then expects to snap his fingers and you jump. What good do you get from this relationship?

GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 18:28:28

What if if is me though? I've been under the mental health team for a while, I am indecisive. I feel things aren't right but maybe it's me that has issues. But I have only said exactly what has happened and what he's said.

LavenderGreen14 Mon 24-Mar-14 18:30:23

No lovey - it ain't you, promise.

His actions are his fault. Do not even begin to take responsibility for what he does and how he behaves.

GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 18:30:56

He was married, got divorced last year. It hit me last week when chatting to friends, I know hardly anything about him. I feel I've made him out to be worse than he is. I am single but not desperate for a relationship, but I guess I liked the attention.

magoria Mon 24-Mar-14 18:33:22

I was going to ask if he was married.

It isn't you.

He disappeared all over christmas/new year with no contact. Even if he spent all that time with his DD he could have called you.

He is secretive with his phone.

He is abusive.

He is all those things external to you and your problems.

The best thing you can do is carry on with your mental health team and put you and your DC first.

You don't want or need a man like this in your life it will not help you heal.

GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 18:36:38

I just said I didn't want to see him tonight as I always think about the times he's let me down. He said. 'Fine, thought we had a nice time last time. Was looking forward to seeing you'. Now I feel bad and unsure I've done the right thing. He should have made more of an effort to get to know me, i mentioned going out with my friends one eve, but he didn't seem bothered. But he mentioned the dc's meeting, god I don't know. I know asking strangers on the internet shouldn't make up my mind for me. But when I can't think straight, it helps to get another perspective on it.

LavenderGreen14 Mon 24-Mar-14 19:10:28

No don't feel bad. He says one half nice comment - it don't make him a good person.

I think you need to do the Freedom Programme and maybe speak to Rape crisis too?

magoria Mon 24-Mar-14 19:26:56

That comment seems designed to make you feel bad.

No 'what is wrong? is everything OK?' etc just a guilt trip.

In my opinion it is deliberately manipulative and has achieved it's aim of making you feel bad for not doing what he wanted.

GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 19:36:33

He's sent another saying he's gutted. Got a feeling he might turn up at my door, so I'm in my bedroom. I'm not scared of him, he's not horrible. It was only a few times I felt uncomfortable and being used a bit in bed. But maybe that's what couples are like? I've not had a good history of relationships, was in quite an emotionally abusive one for five years. But it's easy to blame myself.

What am I going to tell everyone? That I'm pregnant but didn't want a relationship? That's not true of course, but he's making me feel guilty. Maybe it could work, but I actually feel a tiny bit of relief I'm not seeing him tonight.

RatherBeRiding Mon 24-Mar-14 19:48:05

No it won't work. He's a manipulative user who doesn't really care about you but can say the right things when it suits him. Yes you are vulnerable and there are certain sleazeballs who prey on vulnerable women. Are you still seeing your mental health team? If not I think you need to plug yourself back in to that kind of support.

What are you going to tell everyone? The truth - you made a mistake but that you now realise there is no future with this man but you want to keep the baby [if that's the decision you arrive at].

And finally - loving couples do NOT use each other in bed and make each other do things the other one is not comfortable with that. That is not normal loving behaviour by any stretch of the imagination. Please find some real-life support to talk this through with.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 24-Mar-14 20:19:52

The 'I want everything' and 'the dd's could meet' are the carrots. If he wanted that he would have made it happen. He's have contacted you over new year and he'd have gone out with you and your mates.

He has shown you who he is. Listen to it.

frogslegs35 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:50:41

Obviously we, a bunch of strangers on the internet, can't decide for you nor make you run for the hills but please believe when we say you have done nothing wrong here, you're not to blame for this in any way.

It doesn't matter how you said no. No. Stop. Don't. I don't want to - it all means the same thing. He carried on regardless without your agreement, he raped you.

Besides the fact he has no respect nor boundaries, he's manipulating you and he doesn't sound like a nice person.
The 'I want everything' and the children meeting are to hook you in and give you the illusion of the perfect family.

Speak with your mh team about the baby before you make any final decisions but if you're happy to continue and do it alone you will get through it just fine without him. Much better in fact because you won't have to deal with his arsehole behaviour.

He has shown you who he is. Listen to it.
I couldn't agree with this more.

GracieLoo Mon 24-Mar-14 20:51:53

I am still seeing mental health team, and this is something I do need to talk about. I realise I have issues too, which makes thinking rationally a lot harder.

SugarAndSpice126 Mon 24-Mar-14 22:03:55

A partner should totally respect what you want to do in the bedroom... If my DP even sees a hint in my eyes that I'm not as into dtd at that particular time, or thinks I'm not quite into something, he'll stop and check I'm ok. That should be what every relationship should be like, so don't expect any less. My DP isn't perfect and neither am I, but we respect each other and would hate it if we were doing something where the other didn't feel comfortable. This has to be the basis of all good relationships and this man clearly does not respect you or have any feeling of making sure you're happy/comfortable. He wants what he wants and not a lot else. Sorry if this is blunt, but it's sadly true. You deserve so so much more.

GracieLoo Tue 25-Mar-14 08:01:21

It was last year that I remember not wanting to but ending up doing it, it was in my living room and I remember feeling uncomfortable but thinking if was because I hadn't been with anyone in a while. Recently I have consented to it, but ended up doing stuff I didn't want to, he tried, I said no, but he tried again and I felt he wasn't listening to me (sorry for tmi). I thought this happens to most couples so thought nothing of it.

I don't think I've been the easiest gf either, as sometimes I cancelled and mucked him around a bit. I just felt unsure of what I wanted. In the last year, despite it being an on/off relationship, I can only think of four/five times we've been out. And he's never offered to treat me. It upset me when he begged to see me after a break, and turned up with nothing. If he was trying to make a good impression, or make up for letting me down, he could have bought me something? Or do I sound shallow?

Anyway, the main thing is, I'm pregnant. I feel ashamed I'm in this situation. I know I'll have a lot of support round me, it might be the best thing to happen to dd and myself or am I just kidding myself I'm still scared though, and tempted to take dd and run away somewhere to start a new life. Away from this one where I've completely screwed up everything.

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