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sister NC with mother

(12 Posts)
unnaturalchild Mon 24-Mar-14 14:32:37

My DSIS is going NC with my DM. I understand the reasons but am not sure I agree fully. How do I maintain a relationship with both? I don't want to be in the position of having to choose who to invite- particularly for family events? We have other siblings who would possibly refuse to come if DM wasn't invited and hence we end up splitting the family (lots of nephews/neices).
I also don't think DSIS has told DM- so I am put in the position of explaining it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 14:51:21

If you don't agree with your Dsis's decision, simply carry on with each as normal. Don't jump through hoops to accommodate someone else's feud. Invite both (all) for family events, for example, and let others sort themselves out.

BTW it's rather cowardly of DSis to dump this on you rather than the person she has a problem with. You have to explain nothing beyond 'talk to DSis'

Scornedwoman67 Mon 24-Mar-14 14:58:23

I agree - carry on as normal, tell your sister you intend to do so. You can't tiptoe around her. She needs tp resolve this without making it a huge family drama. Tell her that they will both be invited & she will need to deal with that as she sees fit. Hopefully she will understand, but if she doesn't, it's not your problem.

dollius Mon 24-Mar-14 15:07:28

I am your sister OP (figuratively speaking, hopefully not actually!)

I do not expect my DSis to choose sides or to take it upon herself explain my actions to my parents.

I would expect her to not invite me to family events. This is my decision and I have made it in the full knowledge that others in the family may find it tricky to maintain a close relationship with me. I have no problem with that - I can see them individually away from my parents.

Hopefully your sister is being reasonable and not making any demands on you?

GlitterFingers Mon 24-Mar-14 15:16:11

I am no contact with my mother but still spend lots of time with my siblings. We have separate birthday meals/parties and other such things it's much easier that my parents are divorced so there was already two of most occasions. It is my sisters hen do soon she has invited her mother and I have no choice as maid of honour I will be amicable for my sister but would prefer it if she didn't speak to me for the weekend.

Don't be dragged in to anything if you want to speak to both of them do so but do not pass information between the two as you will get yourself in trouble.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 15:16:27

I also agree with the previous posters. Make your boundary from the start with both your dm and ds, when it comes up, that you won't be a go between.

Carry on as normal. It is sad to have to resort to nc, but your ds may have additional sadness coming her way with the possibility of losing additional relationships due to her nc decision. It is a tough row to hoe, but goes with the territory.

Nomama Mon 24-Mar-14 15:16:43

You just do. Carry on talking / seeing both of them.

If they mention the other reply. If they want you to take sides say no. If they then NC you tough (on them).

Family events is easy too. Always invite them both. Force them to be the ones to decide. Do not get into any conversation with anyone about it. Have that discussion with you other sibs too. If you all hang together it should work.

But DM will probably come first in most things. Tell your sister and other sibs that you know that this is how it will be. If DM has only fallen out with one of you Ask your sister to understand this and then arrange alternatives for her, if she wants.

Horrible situation to be in, but remember, it wasn't you!

cloggal Mon 24-Mar-14 15:20:22

It is hard. We are NC with some of DH's family and one of my biggest gripes is that his siblings will not see him individually or even have a conversation with him that isn't all about their parents. It is a sure fire way of making the person who is NC feel like a real black sheep, which many of them of course feel anyway, hence the cutting of contact. You're entitled to disagree with her but if you want a relationship with her, it will have to work without your DM's involvement - can you do this? I'd pre empt any invite issues by telling her something like 'I'd love to see you there but as I'm not taking sides I've invited DM too- I understand if that means you can't be there.' I'd also stay away from anything that feels like acting as a go-between, on either side. You shouldn't explain, pass on messages, try to persuade - it's their relationship and it's them who either need to put it behind them or work on it.

cloggal Mon 24-Mar-14 15:21:02

Crosspost!

Mrswellyboot Mon 24-Mar-14 15:22:57

I would invite all and (as will happen) if dsis askes if dm is going - say that all the family are invited and you are not going to get involved.

As regards telling your mum, play the ignorance card

unnaturalchild Mon 24-Mar-14 16:21:16

Thanks all.
The concern I have is that it would feel like I was taking sides if I continue to invite both as my sister has said she won't come. so by inviting both i feel like I am taking my mums side. However i hate the fact my sister has trapped me!
If they had both gone NC with each other it would be easier.
I can quite easily continue to see my sister on her own and will do however we have children and I want the children to see each other. So it is DS's birthday soon - we are having a party - I would like my Dnephews and Dnieces all there

unnaturalchild Mon 24-Mar-14 16:26:35

Nomama - DM hasn't only fallen out with one of us. It is just that DSIS1 is the only one for whom it is the final straw. I am currently being ignored by DM and may end up being NC by default! It is more that on balance I would rather change the relationship than go NC if i had a choice. Hence I do have sympathy for DSIS.

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