What on earth is going on?

[EmbarrassingPoo]

I met a man about six weeks ago, and things had all the hallmarks of going really well. We got on so well. On all our dates, we would talk non-stop for hours. There was lots of texting and on the last couple of dates, lots of sex.

He works on the other side of the country much of the time but last week told me he'd rearranged his work schedule so he'd be around more at the weekends in the next few months, so he could spend more time with me.

Anyway, on Saturday we arranged to go somewhere nice late afternoon and then we were going back to his place to watch DVDs and I was going to stay over.

We went out, had pizza and ice cream and went back to his and cracked open wine. The combination must have been potent because suddenly I got really bad stomach gripes and had to dash to his toilet and had diarrhoea. Embarrassing! I was mortified. His flat is small, it was obvious something was going on. I had to explain, I'd had a stomach upset and I was embarrassed. He was not very sympathetic at all. He said something along the lines of "it's embarrassing yes, but not the end of the world I suppose. Let's just go to the shop."

I was in two minds of whether to just go home, I should have done but I didn't. I thought it was forgotten about. Everything quickly got back to normal.

We went to bed later, still talking and laughing a lot. Had sex. In the morning I woke up really early (as always) and he was still sound asleep. After about an hour, I was starting to get fidgety so I got dressed to go, as I didn't want to keep disturbing him. I needed to pick up my daughter a little later anyway. I gave him a kiss goodbye and told him I was going, but he seemed really put out I was going. His reaction was quite "oh, right"

I text him as usual yesterday but only got one short, curt message back. Which is completely the opposite of how we have been the last couple of weeks. So I text him last night, asking if he was OK. He's told me a couple of times he can be grumpy and moody, so I wanted to get it out in the open rather then waiting for a grown man to get over a sulk.

But I've received no reply. What does this sound like? He's changed his mind? He's in a grump? Was my embarrassing incident a deal breaker? should I not have gone in the morning?

I'm not going to text again, I'm just confused

[CalamityKate]

I think that for whatever reason he's reverting to grumpy, moody type. I'd get rid. Who needs someone like that?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

IME 'grumpy and moody' men should be left exactly where you find them.... :)

[EmbarrassingPoo]

That is kind of how I am feeling about it calamity. Last year I got out of a miserable marriage with a very moody and emotionally abusive man and I don't want to let anyone do that to me again.

I just couldn't make up my mind whether my actions had been enough to make someone simply change their mind about liking me so much or whether this is a grump.

Either way, it's done I suppose. Which is a shame.

[TurnipCake]

Sounds too much like hard work, I would want to date an adult, not someone who blows hot/cold

[EmbarrassingPoo]

Yeah cog I suppose if someone tells you they are grumpy and moody, well they are grumpy and moody aren't they.

Was it wrong to get up and go though? I know nothing about relationships anymore. And the embarrassing poo? I think if it was the other way round, I would make light of it and try and make them feel better. I know it's awful though.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Oh please don't get into a relationship with a miserable sod where you have to spend half your time cajoling him into being happy, and the other half on pins and apologizing to people for his gruff manner....

And if you eventually introduce your DC do you want them to be utterly confused and bewildered by this type of behaviour?

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Love your NN though!

[CalamityKate]

Also a kind man would appreciate that you might feel embarrassed about the poorly tum incident and be taking pains to make sure you knew there was no need.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Personally, I take the view that I am quite lovely - perfect in fact - and that if someone is acting like a grumpy tosser it is entirely because they are a grumpy tosser. Suggest you take the same view and decide that your actions have been entirely reasonable. :)

[EmbarrassingPoo]

It hadn't been hard work though turnip, up until yesterday, it was great! I was really starting to like him and have been on a bit of high with it all the lat couple of weeks.

[TurnipCake]

Ah yes, but everyone's on their best behaviour in the early days, it's what makes so many people continue with rubbish relationships (see Sunk Cost Fallacy)

[Handywoman]

Embarrassing ditch the moody twunt, and get yourself some counselling. You are already trying to blame yourself/alter your behaviour after six. short. weeks. You need to start exploring how to put some boundaries in place and stop selling yourself short.

[EmbarrassingPoo]

haha thanks walter I thought such an incident deserved a more apt name!

Yes calamity I thought that, and there have been a couple of things that have made me think he is not generous. I don't expect to be wined and dined and paid for or anything, but I think overall, I may have been more generous then him.

I feel a bit cross because things have been quite intense the last couple of weeks and i just think if he had changed his mind about me, the decent thing would be to say something, not ignore me! Nothing I can do about that i suppose

[EmbarrassingPoo]

Really handywoman? I've tried to be very aware of the fact I have a quite a bit of emotional truck. I find it hard to make the first move with affection to the point where I have been quite standoffish, which he was understanding about when we spoke of our pasts.

I thought I was being careful but yeah the self blame and altering behaviour I was guilty of in my marriage

[tribpot]

Shit got real. Quite literally in this case. It sounds a bit like he was bought into the whirlwind-romance-fantasy aspect of it and then you reminded him you were a real person:

• by having a poorly tummy
  
• by having a different domestic routine from him
  

Well, whaddya know. You're an actual person and not Cameron Diaz in a movie (since even Ms Diaz has to poo in real life).

Totally agree with Turnip - this is too much like hard work.

[ListenToTheLady]

There's grumpy and moody, which can happen to even a nice person sometimes (I get bad PMT for example, I know I do, and I warn DP it is coming and apologise if I grump at him), and there's unsympathetic and sulky, which is not quite the same thing.

If he said "I am sorry but I'm in a bit of a low mood, it's not you, can I call you in a couple of days" that wouldn't be so bad but it seems like this sulk is being completely unreasonably linked to you and something you did, and being used to make you feel bad and keep you on your toes. BAD sign! Big red flag. IME this kind of man waits a little while to get you comfortable, then starts the testing process to see how much shit you will put up with. The more you take, the more you get.

I'd draw a line under this now.

[Handywoman]

Yes, Embarrassing, absolutely. What you have said about sharing your issues with making the first move speaks volumes. Showing/sharing your vulnerable side and having boundaries are not mutually exclusive. Please see a counsellor and work on this stuff before you get back to dating.

[CalamityKate]

Yep. Agree with listentothelady.

I think you're supposed to be fretting and worrying about whether your being poorly has put him off. That's very unkind of him.

[EmbarrassingPoo]

OK. Maybe he isn't actually that brilliant. Which would make me feel better if i have been silently dumped. But I did think he was really great.

He is very, very clever, which I know is not important, but he is just really interesting and it's something I valued. (He does know he is very clever though) And the sex was great!

It's all well and good saying, right, I'll draw a line under it, but if he just ignores me, I can't can I. He's done it for me, which is galling

[Handywoman]

You draw a line under it emotionally. Switch it off. Delete his number. All that stuff, take some power back!

[piratecat]

really not the actions of a nice caring chap. BUT did he think you were going to leave without saying goodbye? maybe?

[Dahlen]

I tend to agree with handywoman. There is absolutely nothing in your behaviour that warrants any kind of self blame at all. He on the other hand is telling you loud and clear what he's like and grooming you for a relationship where you pussyfoot around his moods.

When you say it hasn't been hard work up until this night, that's because (a) six weeks is very little time to see a person's true colours and (b) your embarrassing poo moment (where you felt vulnerable) was an ideal opportunity for him to test the waters regarding your boundaries.

Most people would actually be sympathetic to you under those circumstances. And while the embarrassment on both sides might kill the development of the relationship (although if that was the case, you wouldn't have ended up having sex), it wouldn't result in any decent person being unkind or moody to you about it at either the time or the morning after. It certainly wouldn't result in passive aggressive mind games via text messages (or lack of).

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You had a bad stomach and straight afterwards he said "Let's go to the shop"...

I'm so happy for you that you've had your big red flag now, Poo, there's no need for you to waste any more time on him. Be disdainful and, as Cogito so wisely says, treat yourself as if you are perfect, that way you won't let anybody undervalue you.

We ladies are very nearly perfect but I find there's one big defect that evolution hasn't yet sorted out... we spy a problem and immediately look within ourselves to fix it. We need to stop doing that.

[EmbarrassingPoo]

I have already deleted his number! So I've done well so far. I'm not doing very well in switching it off though. Hence, why I am on here instead of getting through a mountain of paperwork.

Piratecat I did consider that, but I did kiss him goodbye and I sent a text a little later, saying that I had been wide awake for a while, was getting fidgety, and didn't want to wake him. I also invited him for dinner another night (the first time I had tried to initiate seeing him rather than vice versa)