Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is this normal/why does this annoy me?(13 Posts)
If you were collecting a DC from ExMIL/FIL's house, would you choose to spend a couple of hours there lounging around, chatting, drinking tea etc? Especially if ExP was there too with his GF and their baby?
I am the GF in this situation and it really annoys me. Maybe it's because I feel undermined by their collective history?
If I have to see my ExPIL I can't wait to escape.
Feeling quite irritated but don't know if IABU
Need to sleeping this. Will check back in the morning.
I'm confused about the relations.
Are you saying that you and your current partner at at his parents with his children when his ex partner comes to collect her children and she stays for a couple of hours?
I think it is good for ex partners to be able to spend family time together and show their children they are still on good terms. I take it these events are good-natured? They do have history and they have children together. That is not going to change.
Do you think she is doing it just to annoy you?
Well really it depends.
It's good that she feels comfortable with his family still. I know if I were her I would feel sad that I lost the family of my ex, not just the ex himself. She is still the kids mother and would want a good relationship with their grandparents.
As for you, your P and child, I might not be too comfortable but I might stay when I didn't want to in an effort to show I was okay with it. After all, his new parter (you) will be involved with her kids lives so she'd want that to be comfortable as well.
The "it depends" though depends on the type of person she is. If she's a nice person but it makes you uncomfortable, then you are probably insecure in your relationship still, both with your P and his parents, and don't like her imposing on "your" time with them. If she's mean, then fair enough you don't like her for valid reasons and you probably think she's trying to be a cow.
I admire anyone who handles this whole ex/other kids situation. Just recently I ran into my husband's ex-gf and though they are YEARS over and he would never leave me for her, I dreamt about it for several days and it still makes me uncomfortable. I can't imagine having to deal with that person on a regular basis...
You ask why it annoys you? I presume because you are too jealous to deal with this situation. Once a couple have a child or children together, that makes a kinship between them and their parents that never ends. Like many people I got stuck in this kinship with the father of my daughter whether I liked it or not. But I am very fond of his parents and they have always been good to me.
I takes a special type of person to deal with these complex relationships, maybe you are not made for this.
As someone else said, it very much depends!
While the idea of being friendly with exP and exPILs sounds all very civilised, it does raise the question of why the relationship ended, whether there are still feelings involved on his part. Yes, you may just be insecure in the relationship - but on the other hand you may be picking up on the energy that is present.
I would also say that he is perhaps being a bit thoughtless. I think most people would understand that this kind of situation would be very uncomfortable for a new partner. Has he asked you whether you're ok with it?
If he hasn't, you need to speak up!
If you're uncomfortable speak to your partner about it.
This has happened to me, I was the ex (no kids) of a 12 year relationship. We broke up and within a year he was married to someone else and had a baby.
At first I struggled to let go not cos I wanted him back but because I felt I lost my best friend.
The new wife hated me! She even phoned me and told me to back off. I never wanted to get back with the ex just be friends but she felt threatened by me.
Anyhow things have turned out great, I'm married, they are still married and now me and his wife are really good mates!
I can call her up if I needed something and she would be there for me at the drop of a hat!
I'm not saying that you should be best mates with his ex but you are feeling threatened and you (in the nicest possible way) need to realise they have history together. It's just history, not present and he's with you now. They broke up for a reason but there's no need to have an awkward relationship especially if kids are involved.
Good luck and big hugs xxx
Thanks for the replies. I know it's best for DSC and that's why I was friendly etc. I have invited her into my house in the past, when she's collected DSC (where she also out-stayed her welcome) so I am making an effort. I have also made an effort with my other DC from a previous relationship to show positivity to my ExHs new GF (uncomfortable half hr in his house but gritted my teeth and smiled for the DC)
I think it's more of a personality thing, I know she has criticised my parenting to DP in texts/voicemail so I probably wouldn't choose her as a friend anyway. Plus she has tried to cause problems between DSC/DP/myself, recommending that he doesn't see me when he has DSC because it's "bad for her"etc.
I think my DPs parents are great and it's good that everyone gets on etc. I just thought that staying for a few hours when collecting a child was a bit excessive and wondered what her motive was I suppose.
I would probably stay half hr at the most to show friendliness, then make my excuses and I wondered if anyone else would hang around for 2-3 hrs when collecting a child?
The 2-3 hours does seem excessive - but then I don't know what sort of relationship she has with her ex-PILs. I can see why you might think it's some sort of point-scoring exercise but it could just be that she likes them and feels comfortable around them.
The reality is that she's not going anywhere, your life with your DP will always involve her and the more exposure you have to her, the less she will seem like any sort of threat, and vice-versa. She'll calm down re the parenting comments etc when she knows you better.
She might feel lonely and just wants adult company?
Her ExPILs are very lovely to her (even if they express exasperation and irritation about her when she's not there and exFIL hides/makes himself scarce when she's there) they have DSC overnight for her when she wants a night out etc.
Don't think she's lonely, she spent the weekend with a friend of hers while ExPILs babysat DSC and she remarried last year, so her new DH was at home waiting for her to get back with DSC.
I accept that she is here to stay. Maybe I think she a bit cheeky and expects too much from DP/ExPILs because I expect nothing from my exH/ExPILs .
It sounds like she is just one of those people who can't just quickly leave a house she has entered.
Join the discussion
Please login first.