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My PIL and DH's siblings are managing me

(44 Posts)
IcedFrappe Mon 24-Mar-14 00:26:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatrickStarisabadbellend Mon 24-Mar-14 00:28:35

They are your children. Tell them to back off.

You need to do this asap, do not put it off. Things will only get worse.

Bogeyface Mon 24-Mar-14 00:29:24

What does DH say about this? Does he just expect you to go along with it?

I would start saying no, and let them start WW3 if they choose.

They can only do this if you let them.

colditz Mon 24-Mar-14 00:29:29

You have to just say no.

Thetallesttower Mon 24-Mar-14 00:33:04

What is your husband like in all this?

No-one tells me where or when to take my children anywhere. If anyone said we are coming on such a such a date to pick them up, I'd say no. All visits are by mutual arrangement and I'm the parent!

This would only work if your husband is on board.

What are these family meetings? No wonder you feel ganged up on.

Is there a cultural issue here that makes this seemingly more acceptable- it just sounds a bit odd with all his sisters and family around there telling you how to live your life.

You can break away from this if you want to, you don't have to let your children go anywhere if you don't want to (really believe this, the way they are behaving is totally unacceptable, they also have no legal rights). It will be easier though if you and your husband present a united front- agree what you do agree to and the rest just keep repeating like a record 'no, that won't be convenient for us' 'no that won't be convenient for us'.

PigletJohn Mon 24-Mar-14 00:36:45

arrange trips away without asking their permission telling them, and practice saying, oh, you shouldn't have! If only you'd asked me first I could have saved you wasting your money!

Whose side is DP on?

EverythingCounts Mon 24-Mar-14 00:42:59

Yes, how does your partner respond to all this?

Agree that you need to start saying no. Start with the small things, so next time they say they have booked a movie, tell them that night's no good (they can't book the cinema that far in advance so this is more plausible as a beginning). Then you can move on to the bigger things more confidently.

AlpacaYourThings Mon 24-Mar-14 00:49:40

That's sounds very strange.

I would say to them, "Oh, that's a lovely thought, thank you. However, DH and I don't need the break but we will let you know when we do as we would hate for you to waste your money like this again." Have an enthusiastic grin on your face and change the subject.

AlpacaYourThings Mon 24-Mar-14 00:50:20

Maybe replace enthusiastic grin with polite smile!

BillyBanter Mon 24-Mar-14 00:51:35

Another 'what does your DH say/What does he think?' from me.

Can you stand up to them again? 'No. They are our children and they do what we say to our schedule, not yours. Stop arranging things for them without our agreement or or you won't be seeing them at all. End of discussion.'

BillyBanter Mon 24-Mar-14 00:53:50

Alternatively as they so kindly provide the schedule, just make sure you are out at the 'agreed' time and when they contact you by phone give a breezy 'Oh, was that today. Never mind'.

IcedFrappe Mon 24-Mar-14 00:55:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletJohn Mon 24-Mar-14 01:10:38

"what an interesting idea. DH and I will talk it over and let you know"

tallwivglasses Mon 24-Mar-14 01:12:33

Piglet's mantra is good. Practise it in front of the mirror.

GarlicMarchHare Mon 24-Mar-14 01:21:12

BillyBanter, passive aggression is a perfectly valid tactic when dealing with determined manipulators smile Fight fire with fire, etc.

Sounds as though Your H is scared of them too, Frappe. Is he?

How about a combination of Everything's, Alpaca's and Billy's suggestions? Catch them out by varying your approach.

Assertiveness primer. Please read!

winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 01:24:56

This is madness. How can they think this is okay?

You have to say no and that they must check with you next time. You will have to stand up to them.

It's creepy and presumptuous and controlling.

BillyBanter Mon 24-Mar-14 01:26:53

The strength of the our kids, our schedule approach is you can just keep repeating it. You're not 'imagining things' you're just telling them what's what with your children. Once you've said it two or three times you pack the children up and leave.

Best thing would be to go NC, at least for a while, if you can get DH on board.

It's understandable your Dh finds it hard to stand up to them. He's had a life time of being trained not to.

Bogeyface Mon 24-Mar-14 01:34:28

Hang on, just realised that this is nastier than I thought.

You stood up to them once so they cut you out and now think that they can just take your children?

No, that HAS to stop. What happens when one day the kids say no to something? They will, kids do. Or worse they learn the lesson that your DH has learned which is to do what Granny/Auntie says otherwise they get cross?

This has the potential to become an abusive situation for your children, if it isnt already. FOr them you need to relocate your balls and say "NO! MY KIDS, MY RULES" They will cut you off? So fucking what! They are no loss to you or your childrens lives.

RoaringTiger Mon 24-Mar-14 08:53:38

When they next ask, repeat the date they say in a questioning tone, look thoughtful then smile regrettably and say 'that date doesn't work for us we already have'd be better for you to check your plans with us before you book in future, to save you wasting your money' big smile and change subject of conversation.

If they come to you and say they are taking them for the weekend to give you a break, repeat date, pause looking thoughtful and say either 'ah sorry Inlaws we have plans that be fair I don't really need a break at the minute, I'll let you know when I do though' big appreciative smile and change conversation

Or 'ah sorry Inlaws that weekend doesn't work for me....XX date does though, so we can do it then...thank you' as above big smile and change conversation.

Choose one of the above for each and every time they try and do it and if questioned why it doesn't work with you just say we have plans and change the conversation....don't get drawn in.

Cocolepew Mon 24-Mar-14 08:58:13

Tell them no, if they want to start ww3 let them get on with it . Dont engage with them
Cheeky fuckers.

Cocolepew Mon 24-Mar-14 09:04:54

What age are your DCs?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Mar-14 09:06:31

This is a very bad situation and you as their parents must act to protect them from such malign influences. This is about power and control and they want absolute over your children. They could well go onto steal the hearts of your own children. This sort of tactic as well is often employed by narcissistic grandparents; these people either over value or under value the relationship with their grandchildren as a means to get to you.

Your DH may well be in a fear, obligation and guilt state with regards to his parents so he will not be able to be of much help to you here. So you need to take a stand against this. This is your own family unit at stake here.

At the very least you need to both start saying no this does not work and repeat as necessary. Also going no contact with his parents must now be a serious consideration to you all.

hamptoncourt Mon 24-Mar-14 09:09:57

You really need to get DH on board with this. It sounds like his family are way too involved.

Tell him that now is the time to stand up to them, next time they pull a stunt like this he has to tell them NO, Flat out NO, and keep repeating it. Then he has to tell them not to do it again.

Failing that can you move far far away? Not joking.

Holdthepage Mon 24-Mar-14 09:26:07

"No that doesn't work for us but thanks for the offer".

"Check with me first before buying tickets/making plans in future".

"Don't make any plans involving my children without consulting me first".

Any of the above phrases every time they try to do this to you. It is outrageous that they are going over your head like this & you & your DH need to put a stop to it.

MorrisZapp Mon 24-Mar-14 09:31:40

There's no such thing as an inlaw problem. Just a husband problem.

They are his family. If he won't sort it out, your problem is with him.

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