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Why the hell cant I get over this broken friendship. Ive accidentally turned into a weirdo!

(15 Posts)
RoundNRoundN Sun 23-Mar-14 21:05:54

Made friends with someone who epically screwed me over.

Nutshell, friends, had a laugh, had babies at the same time, she had a shit time during new-born phase I helped her through it, I had an incredibly shit time from mid-baby stage with a seriously ill baby which went on for a while. She was there for a bit, then her life got good and she ditched me. Totally and utterly ditched me.

Then, she did something adorable and mocked me on Facebook for how often I posted. I posted daily, it was like a let out, I was struggling horrendously with my ill baby at that point and when she mocked me I went absolutely postal. I swore at her and didnt handle it well at all.

She thought I was completely OTT, thought she was innocent etc etc.

A little while later, she finally unblocks me and has the balls to ask me why I went mad. She said she never mocked me. (Despite me saying "are you mocking me?" And she replied 'yes')

She still thinks she is innocent basically, the conversation doesnt end well.

A while later I messaged and attempted to offer and olive branch.

It was rejected/ignored.

Recently someone on here pointed out a trait of mine of reacting very defensively and not handling situations well because of it.

There are things coming up soon, in which me and her may be in the same room. The thought of this churns my stomach, the thought of just letting someone hate/dislike me bothers me greatly. So I felt it would be a good idea (dur) to apologise to her for my bad handling of the situation.

This has not gone well, Ive ended up looking obsessed about it.

Im not obsessed, it doesnt bother me day and night but Im not over it and she clearly, clearly is.

I hate that it isnt sorted out. Why cant I let her just hate me? It think thats the issue, i hate that she was the bastard and yet its ended up as me as the hated one. I hate that she has always thought she was toally innocent and I hate that a future meet WILL be awkward despite my trying to smooth things over (which has just ended up with me looking like a psycho)

Arrrggghhh!

Earlybird Sun 23-Mar-14 21:20:12

That is rough, and painful.

Sounds as if you are sensitive, perhaps leaning toward over-sensitive at times. And your ex-friend sounds insensitive and at times, cruel.

You supported her when she needed it, and she ignored you when you could have used some help - she was OK by then, so she moved on once you had served your purpose, without giving you a second thought.

You are a giver, she is a taker - with a nasty edge (mocking you). She was more than willing to accept your support, but then attacked you once she was feeling strong. It says more about you then her - and what it says is not good.

Move on. Your personality cannot be close with someone with her personality. And don't take it as a rejection - you've simply outlived your usefulness, and she has found a new circle. And don't be drawn into an argument with her.

When you see her, say hello and be cordial for a minute or two, but don't linger. You need to get on with your life - without her.

Pippilangstrompe Sun 23-Mar-14 21:25:26

You have to move on. No need to worry about future meetings now. They will be whatever they are and probably nothing like the scenarios you are playing out in your mind.

This friendship is over. Instead of thinking what a waste of time it was, see it as something you can learn something from that you can take with into future friendships.

RoundNRoundN Sun 23-Mar-14 21:35:06

I hate that I am so weak that it bothered me, hurt me so much more than it bothered or hurt me.

I also hate that that I was so weak that I apologised to her.

Why cant I just grow some balls?

Fucking pathetic.

RoundNRoundN Sun 23-Mar-14 21:35:29

*bothered or hurt her

MoonRover Sun 23-Mar-14 21:48:53

I have no advice but I completely sympathise.

I'm about to ditch an entire group of people because one of them and I had words, and I think she's bad mouthed me to a few others in the group.

I hate when things niggle - and if you're like me, they niggle when you're not in the wrong. This woman has been cruel and careless with your feelings and that's a painful thing for you to come to terms with, when once you were friends. I think some people can't bear to be around someone who was with them when things were bad for them - perhaps she's one of these people?

It's a strange thing for an adult to mock how another adult posts on facebook, is she 12? She doesn't sound like a real friend tbh. Can you write off the friendship as something that has run its course, and treat her with civility when you see her?

Also, for all you know, she may be as churned up inside as you are, but for reasons of having been a total bitch, she could just be better at hiding it.

poocatcherchampion Sun 23-Mar-14 22:06:26

Ive got one of these and I am still so not over it. and was 4 years ago now.

I had a dream about her again last night and was just chatting to dh about how I'm still not over it. she basically used me to enable her to cheat on her husband and then dropped me when she left him. but somehow she is making me out to be the bad one within that friendship group that I'm not really part of now. I dont know how she managed that am I'm so sad that we shared so much and she wasn't the person I thought she was.

so I'm no help but send my sympathies. friendly but brief would be my suggestion to you. I think I would be a blathering idiot to my friend. all the witty put downs would disappear.

Laura0806 Mon 24-Mar-14 15:55:17

yes Im the same, oversensitive, let down/ badly treated by a friend 2 years ago and still not over it. Still excrutiating difficult when we see each other and v hurt by mutual friends and how they reacted. No advice but to echo the suggestions to say hello and move on when you meet. You're not alone with it, not that it helps but worth knwoing maybe......

RRRJ83 Mon 24-Mar-14 16:10:59

I don't get why you're beating yourself up. Stop hating yourself.

You have to remember you're the better person for apologising...which is a nice thing to do, not somethinge to hate yourself for being weak for.

If you're going to be friends, this hiccup won't matter. Stop overthinking it and speak to her normally when you see her next. Or ask if she wants to meet up for a coffee or something...so she sees you're ok with her x

SoleSource Mon 24-Mar-14 19:51:30

Dismissive of your feelings. You're well rid of the piss taking, smug over nothing that is better than you cah.

MrsCakesPremonition Mon 24-Mar-14 20:01:58

It sounds to me as though you were having a tough time but that you now realise you want/need to draw a line under the episode and move forward. Unfortunately, by apologising and asking her to forgive you, you assumed that she would behave kindly and (indirectly) give you the go ahead to move on. But she hadn't behaved nicely, she is using the power you have given her to make you feel bad. Perhaps she doesn't realise or care about what you need, may be she enjoys wrilding power over your future happiness.
I think that you need to grab that power back now. She had her chance and misused it. So now you need to forgive yourself, take credit for having learned something about yourself and acted to change the way you react to situations.
If you bump into her, be cordial as if you were meeting a stranger.

SoleSource Mon 24-Mar-14 20:03:19

Her reactions and statements about you are extreme.

Roshbegosh Mon 24-Mar-14 20:06:31

I wonder if this has all blown out of proportion because of something else it triggered. Do you have a history if trusting someone who then betrayed you or something similar? I wonder if your reaction is about one of your parents or a sibling, otherwise she would not have the power to upset you so much.

RoundNRoundN Wed 26-Mar-14 15:39:54

No never.

Ive never fallen out with a friend, ever before this.

Its come as quite a shock!

Thank you for making me feel like Im less of a twat then I felt.

I couldnt get it out my head after that, and hated the fact that shes gone away thinking Im obsessing about it and that Im weird.

Then I came back down to earth after I made myself remember all the bastard stuff she did to me in the last couple of years and realised that her reaction was just an extension of that.

Also, the fact that Id forgotten about All The Bastard Stuff she did made me realise that I was more over it than I initially realised.

Im still a bit <cringe> about the whole thing, but stopped berating myself now.

Laura0806 Wed 26-Mar-14 17:30:09

I know exactly how you feel re shock. Glad you feel better about it all. I don't think you have anything to feel embarrased about. I think if you feel a lot for a friend and they shock you by behaving badly, it does hit you hard and hurt. Do you have to meet her often? Hopefully over time you'll feel less awkward

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