NC for this. Obvs. I'm in such a mess. We're in such a mess.
Married to DH for 8 years. 2 DDs 6 and just 4.
Marriage difficult from the get-go. Met DH while both involved with a very full-on church. So didn't have sex beforehand, and only had a 4 month relationship before getting engaged (during which point I lost my Dad to cancer - we got engaged 2 months after that – make of it what you will) and just a 4 month engagement before getting married, (mostly his idea).
Has always been a difficult relationship. Sex dreadful, but apparently very effective - despite using birth control I found out i was pregnant on our foirts wedding anniversary. DH has been, for much of our marriage very controlling.
I had catastrophic PND after DD1, coupled with PTSD and significant physical damage (problems during pregnancy, horrible horrible brutal foreceps delivery). So while I had never been bothered about having sex with DH and did so mostly to avoid arguments, I now couldn't bear the thought. Almost suicidal for a while with the PNDS. DH genuinely baffled by the whole thing, I think. Not very helpful during it, and frustrated and angry by my lack of libido. And also my lack of faith (which disappeared with the PND, frankly, if not before with the death of my Dad)
But he became very critical and then very absorbed in work and mostly not at home or attached to his laptop. DD2 came along after maybe only having sex three times after DD1 was born.
I went back to work again after DD2 then quit my job and set up my own business. Started getting myself back, after many years of feeling like someone I didn't recognise. Business flourished (but going through a tough time just now.). Marriage disintegrated. lots of arguments
Unsurprisingly then I met someone through work, and we fell headlong for each other. He is also married, although has an open marriage (this I know because she and I had lunch).
DH found out about the affair. Forgave me. Accepted responsibility for his part. Is working hard to be a better husband and father – I'd say he's succeeding more with the latter than the former
I tried to break it off with the other man. Several times. I've failed to do this. I love him. The sex is amazing. He's not offering me anything other than OW status – but I'm actually not looking for another husband. I'm not sure I'm suited to marriage, frankly.
I see OM now only about once every 3-4 months. We email a lot. Speak on the phone maybe once/twice a week. He says I am the love of his life. But he won't leave his wife, largely for fear of being his dad who did exactly that, and other reasons. And he has no need – his wife knows about me and accepts the situation.
DH is trying monumentally hard, but is still controlling and emotionally manipulative.
I honestly don't know what to do. I think all the time of how I could leave him and be free. But then I think about the devastation for our children.
I feel like I can't stay in the marriage, and yet I can't leave the marriage. I am terrified by either prospect.
I am deeply unhappy in my marriage, but then i think "What the hell does that matter, you selfish bitch. Think of your children. They love their Dad, what gives you the right to wreck their home because you're 'unhappy'."
I can't bear the thought of leaving the OM. I love him, and want him. It feels like he's the only thing keeping me going, actually.
But I can't go on like this. I am unsuited to subterfuge and a terrible liar. I think the tension is making me ill. But I don't know what to do. I feel terrified and desperate, frankly.
Go on, then do you worst. I need to hear it all, I think.
And thank you for bothering to read this far. I'm not going to try and reread and edit, so apologies of this is a bit of a mess. I didn't want to drip feed, but I didn't want to bore you all rigid either.
SABM
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Prepared for a flaming - but need advice. Sorry. Long.
suchabloodymess · 23/03/2014 20:36
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