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Tired of 'finding' things

(77 Posts)
mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 16:25:46

Today I went into my partner's bag to take some laundry out and found some stiletto heel bits and pieces (he has a shoe fetish... I am not into it at all) which I can only hope belonged to an ex of his.

It's not just that they were there but that he doesn't seem very interested in me sexually, so it was a bit of a double blow.

In the early days he asked me to do something on his phone and a naked picture of one of his exes came up. On another occasion, he was showing me some photos on his computer and I saw a picture of them together, naked.

A few months ago I found some condoms that he left lying around which made me question everything.

I'm fed up of finding things like this. I appreciate he has a past but I don't want fetish items from previous relationships in my house and I don't want it all rubbed in my face. I feel sick thinking about it now and have no idea how I'm supposed to react to things like this?

AdoraBell Sun 23-Mar-14 16:31:12

I would be moré concerned about the lack of sexual interest in you.

Do you think it's because of the fetish, or because of a general lack of interest?

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 16:34:29

He once told me he spends almost no time thinking about sex, but then from what I've seen above and from what he told me before we were together (we were friends), it doesn't add up and I feel horribly inadequate.

I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm not into fuck me shoes and dressing like a stripper. I will not do that for any man - if I am not sexy enough for them as I am and as I choose to be then they can fuck off.

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 16:38:39

But then he is very stressed and tired with things at the moment, so perhaps I shouldn't read too much into it.

I feel so sick at the moment thinking about what I've found. I've been crying on and off all afternoon. What am I supposed to say to him when he gets back?

LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 16:43:37

Surely condoms suggest he is having sex with someone else?

Why are you with him if he treats you like this and makes you feel so unattractive?

CarryOnDancing Sun 23-Mar-14 16:48:22

Don't doubt yourself or your instincts.
You won't dress up as a stripper for him-perfect. You have your own idea of how you want to act and be treated-perfect!
It may mean you aren't compatible but you should definitely stick to your ideas and morals.

Maybe it's "normal" sex he's not interested in, rather than he's not attracted to you? He may be comparing you to his exes who either had different sexual desires or were just going along with what he wants. Either way, I wouldn't be comfortable with him having wank material of his ex. That's just weird imo and I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

You really are going to has to have it out with him and set the boundaries that suit you both. The discussion may highlight the incompatibilities but it's better to separate than keep trying to shoehorn yourself into this relationship.
You liking "standard" non fetish sex is just as valid as his desires.

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 16:49:02

I should have made the condom part clearer - they were old ones (from a previous relationship) that he found when decorating and put on the side. I have accepted his now and am fairly certain he's telling the truth about that. It's the thoughtlessness/carelessness that bothers me.

Why am I with him? He is very affectionate and we are very close. When we do have sex it's lovely. But I admit (and I have to him) that his fetishes do make me feel inadequate and unattractive, because I look/wear nothing like this and have no intention to.This shoe thing is just another blow. I wish he'd be more discreet.

It's all a jumbled mess in my head right now. I don't know what I'm expecting by posting this here. I just feel very sad.

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 16:54:03

"I wouldn't be comfortable with him having wank material of his ex."

What am I supposed to do about it though? I doubt it's wank material - it really wasn't very sexy (heh). It doesn't feel right asking him to delete all naked photos of his exes - it feels weird. I'd be very hurt if I knew he'd been looking at them I suppose, but it can't be reasonable to demand they go? I believe each time was a genuine mistake and he was understanding and apologetic about it.

He can be really crass with ex stuff.

LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 17:09:45

find someone who you are compatible with who doesn't keep photos of their ex?

Jengnr Sun 23-Mar-14 17:13:48

How is it unreasonable to expect someone to delete naked pictures of their ex?

LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 17:15:00

Has he ground you down so far that because you won't dress up and indulge his fetishes you have to be ok with him seeking fodder elsewhere - you do realise how wrong he is don't you?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 23-Mar-14 17:15:21

What can you do? Call time on the relationship. Perhaps you are just not that compatible. It sounds like you are rationalizing and justifying, and minimizing which all leads to you taking hits to your self respect and self esteem for the sake of preserving the relationship. His casual attitude to hiding, rather not hiding, things that he should know would upset you presents a message...It is disrespectful to you.

nkf Sun 23-Mar-14 17:16:42

Does you and he use condoms? If not, then he is sleeping with someone else.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 17:17:24

I would not be with someone who kept naked pics of their ex on their phone. How disrespectful.

AnyFucker Sun 23-Mar-14 17:18:19

All these "little" indiscretions add up to one big message, love

He doesn't give a shit about your feelings

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 17:21:40

I've been through it Op

It is 'wank material' and he sounds very into his penchant of shoes etc.

It's hard to ever settle in a 'relationship' like this. When you find the crap....they just learn to hide it more.

Sorry I just see all the warning signs.

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 17:22:53

Well, it was a fairly old bag that he doesn't really use so I don't think he left it there for me to find. This stuff could have been there for years. I'm just annoyed he didn't check.

What fodder is he seeking elsewhere? The pictures you mean? I don't think he is/was actively looking at them. He just has them, and I unfortunately happened to see them. I don't know if it's reasonable or not to ask him to delete naked photos of his ex. It feels a bit controlling.

I'm not trying to minimise - I'm trying to give an accurate portrayal of the situation and because my head is in such a jumble I'm leaving out details that are probably key to him not coming across as an out and out bastard.

I want to have a calm conversation with him about this. I just don't know quite how to do that.

AdoraBell Sun 23-Mar-14 17:25:31

The moré you say the moré I feel that I would end the relationship if I were in your shoes.

Why can't you ask him To deleté naked photos of his Ex's? It's not the same as expecting him To destruyó every photo he has. And the condoms, unless he needs them To use with you he wouldn't be very likely To keep them.

And you clearly have different ideas of what is sexy, so you don't know that photo isn't sexy To him.

Dirtybadger Sun 23-Mar-14 17:28:59

Of course he should delete naked pictures of his ex shock

I remember someone posting about condoms here. Their dp/dh was decorating. It did sound plausible, if it was you. The date on the condoms suggested they were pretty old, etc.

The pictures of exes would be enough for me. The other things not so much (although I get the impression there may be more boggles not stated).

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 17:29:11

"It doesn't feel right to ask him to delete all naked photos of his ex"

Please re evaluate your worth within this 'relationship'.

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 17:29:22

Because this happened a long time ago, and it would be a bit out of the blue to ask him to get his hard drive and go through everything now.

By the way, he hasn't ever asked me to wear or do anything. I know about his fetishes mostly from before we were together. It's more my own doubts and insecurities.

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 17:30:03

That was me, badger.

mansize Sun 23-Mar-14 17:31:15

Okay, so now I realise maybe it isn't so normal to have naked pictures of your ex kicking about. How do I calmly bring this up with him?

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 17:31:18

Being with an idiot like this will heighten any insecurities you may have....

You say he doesn't seem that interested sexually in you.

Another classic symptom.

Only1scoop Sun 23-Mar-14 17:32:04

Did you think it normal Op?

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