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Is there any hope here? (Long)

(11 Posts)
ThreeAndDone Sun 23-Mar-14 16:01:52

I am pretty resigned to the fact that my marriage is over but I would appreciate an unclouded view. DH and I are married 11 years with 3 DC. We have had problems on and off since the DC were born even attending counselling after DC 2 was born. Things were better then as he put more effort in to being a father and husband-prior to that he was acting as the counsellor termed a 'married single' out all the time no regard for family time etc. He is better but only on his terms - he will bring DC (usually 2 of the 3) out when it suits him and to do things he likes but will not do anything as a family of 5.

He will go out with his friends/family but will never do anything with me - I suggested a date night once a fortnight or monthly even and he just laughed at me. I am blue in the face saying that for things to get better we need to work at it, make time for each other but he just doesn't get that. I only see him at weekends as he works nights and I have come to dread the weekends as he just wants to do his own thing, do a couple of hours with the DC and basically the rest of the time is his own. I work full time also and that coupled with managing the children before and after work all bedtimes dinners baths etc means I feel just as entitled to down time at the weekend and would love for one weekend to go by without a fight (or 10).

In the interests of full disclosure we also have huge problems with sex and intimacy in general - well I do. I don't enjoy sex, am totally inhibited can't let go, have never had an orgasm- you get the picture. I sometimes enjoy it if I get into it but just can't seem to let go fully. Therefore it's always there as an issue-if we have sex he is not happy with the way it went. He is not happy that I don't want it, he's not happy with how often we have sex. I need to feel loved and wanted and he doesn't do that. He is only nice to me when he wants sex. If there is no chance he makes no effort.

I am so unhappy. I don't know if I love him. I only feel anger and resentment when I look at him. We disagree about parenting, money. We can't communicate- I am a shouter and he is a sulker. We never ever have a laugh. No hugs kisses in jokes. No nights curled up on the couch watching a movie unless he thinks sex might happen and it probably will because I feel I owe him to do it but get nothing out of it.

But we have 3 lovely children. On the one hand I feel we are messing them up staying together, on the other hand I feel we will mess them up if we split and break up their home. I can't live this shit life though. And I feel it's a bit shit for them too with the atmosphere in the home. When Monday comes around and I know I won't see him for the week I feel more relaxed until Friday looms again.

This is long and if you have read to the end thank you. I would appreciate any thoughts/advice.

LettertoHermioneGranger Sun 23-Mar-14 16:16:05

When Monday comes around and I know I won't see him for the week I feel more relaxed until Friday looms again.

Oh OP, you have your answer there. You aren't happy. This tense, stressful environment isn't best for your children. You did what you could, you tried, you went to counseling. It isn't working out and you aren't happy. You deserve to be happy.

Tbh, it doesn't sound like a marriage to me. He wants tofuck off and have his own life, he doesn't want to do things as a family. You clearly care very much for your children, you'll all be better off without you and your husband in a toxic marriage.

Handywoman Sun 23-Mar-14 16:30:00

My unclouded view is that despite counselling he is selfish and doesn't see your family as a team effort. You are entitled to live an authentic, happier life in peace rather than dread. You children's deserve to see their Mum happier and live in a house free from a tense atmosphere. You have worked tirelessly for your kids and tried hard to fix this marriage. From here it is high time for you to end this relationship. What's the house/financial setup? Would he leave? Poor you, Three wishing you strength thanks

Lozislovely Sun 23-Mar-14 17:25:03

Oh Three, I could written your post!

In my instance, I had (and am still working through) low self esteem issues.

There was no doubt underneath it all we both loved each other but I didn't like him and he didn't like me, if that makes sense?

He worked nights, I worked days and he only had every other weekend off (with a single night during the week). We were like passing ships in the night.

We are both stubborn by nature and that never helped when trying to resolve issues.

I would compare him to friends husbands who were more hands on, romantic etc etc and in the end I resented him.

We split 14 months ago (though lived under the same roof until the house sold last July). We didn't speak at all in those months and it was hell.

I wish we'd gone to counselling as we both realise now that we could have been a lot nicer to each other, but we were both so exhausted with it all that the fight to make things better wasn't there.

I still love him, he still loves me, but it's too late. He's moved on and is now with someone else and whilst I accept that, I am still sad.

If you are both willing to sit down and have a very honest and frank discussion about your relationship and what you both want, then who knows.

Good luck x

peppajay Sun 23-Mar-14 18:55:58

Wow this could have been my post too!! My husband like yours refuses to do anything as a family as it is too stressful coz kids constantly fighting for his attention as he never gives them any do when he is around they play up! I love it when is it just me and the kids we have a laugh and do nice things without the any tenseness. When he is at hone I am constantly walking on eggshells and making sure that the kids don't step out of line as any bit of fighting or noise or sends him straight out. We have had a terrible day today as he can't cope with the constant pressure from the kids to play or be involved he went out about 4 and won't prob come back ti around 8 which is better for me really as the tenseness is gone. He honestly believes that I am their mum and I am the one who does everything with the kids he works hard to bring the money in but a father shouldn't be expected to be a play machine that's what toys are for!! There is no love between us any more but easier to stay together than split the family up. I know if we did split he wouldn't be able to see the kids as he can't cope with patenting and I don't want to be responsible for taking their dad away from them! I just live each day ad it comes - I have a job now which helps and I try to honour with friends in the evening as unfortunately I have to miss out on days put or weekends away with friends as I can't leave kids with him. It not a very happy life for me but I am quite a positive person so I just try to keep my chin up and do the best for my kids now without involving him. So hard tho I get so jealous watching those happy families at the park and I just love seeing a dad interact with their kids it is so lovely!!

peppajay Sun 23-Mar-14 19:20:49

Sorry about typos posted by mistake before checking for errors!!

Handywoman Sun 23-Mar-14 19:32:33

Like you peppajay when I see dads truly interacting in a natural/cheerful way it seems like a truly wondrous thing - I am enchanted. It feels so special as it was never a feature of family life with STBXH.

Handywoman Sun 23-Mar-14 19:33:16

That's dads with their dc, obvs

fatedtopretend Sun 23-Mar-14 20:12:35

Op I can relate in some ways with you, I have no advice as I am stuck in a crap situation too. I just wanted you to know I will read and respond if you need to rant ever.

Quitelikely Sun 23-Mar-14 20:22:20

You poor thing. It seems torturous for you. I genuinely believe going by what you have said is that you and the children will be better off without him. You will be much happier and will also get a rest when he takes the children for contact. Life is too short. There will be someone out there for you.

Would you be able to stay in the home? Would finances be ok

peppajay Sun 23-Mar-14 20:49:28

Just interested OP if you did split would your hubby have contact at weekends? Part of the reason I am hiding our marriage together is so the kids get some kind of relationship with their dad as even though he doesn't particularly interact with them they hero worship him and if we split he would not be able to see them as he can't cope with the destruction and mess that comes with children and I am not going to be the one responsible for cutting ties with their dad.

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