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Can it work after infidelity?

(7 Posts)
lovecocopops Sun 23-Mar-14 11:54:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ludways Sun 23-Mar-14 12:32:05

My dh had a 6 week affair, we broke up. He finished it straight away and put all his effort in getting me back. He had to prove himself a thousand times over which he did, he was steadfast in his determination and seemed to grow up quite a bit in that time, he went from being a bit of an immature arse into a grown up man before my eyes, we also went to relate.

Eventually we got back together on a trial basis, we're still together 6 years later and I'm very happy. We're stronger now because of his infidelity, I wish we'd got here without it but I still glad we're where we are now.

I trust him but not it's not blind trust, I can trust my own judgement and observation skills, that's not saying I spend my whole life stalking him, we just trundle on through together. We're much more aware of how our actions effect each other, we seem to care more about each other than we did. Thanks to Relate we now know the reasons we're together and what it is about each other we like, sometimes love is never examined, it's just there, it can make it unstable.

We spent so many months examining every tiny aspect of our feelings, dh's actions and our marriage, I was knackered most of the time. I am glad we did it now as it had made our relationship stronger. It was damned hard work but it's paid off for us.

breaking2bad Sun 23-Mar-14 13:31:01

From my experience no. After a year of us parting I always wondered what if, but I know deep down he wouldn't have had it in him to make it work.

Hypermutley Sun 23-Mar-14 13:50:31

We're together after years of internet sex chats and meets. It is recent so I cant be sure it will last, but I do want it to. For me it was down to both of our intentions; to be willing to and make changes in our selves and our relationship and want to stay together.

DH changed more considerate of me and my feelings and pull his weight in the relationship - not perfect and we do have issues - but a big difference. I have decidedly been patient and not been a perfectionist, and when I have pulled him up on things he has been willing to listen and to listen to my perspective.

We don't have kids but he was my best friend so I wanted be in this relationship and to make it better, as did he. There were very frank conversations and I made it clear I wasn't afraid to leave and I encouraged him to be true to himself in what I he wanted and not stay for any other reason than because he wanted to.

People can change and if they are willing to put in an effort and be frank. If you both want it, it is worth trying. Good luck in whatever you decide.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Mar-14 14:43:27

"I think that has caused him to see himself in a new light and to realize that he needs to change. And he knows that he has a lot to lose if we go through with the divorce (reduced access to DC, money, lifestyle etc). "

Forget the first part. A man deceitful, manipulative & selfish enough to have an affair for a whole year - not some drunken kiss or a one night stand - is purely thinking of himself here. Promises to change from a proven liar mean nothing. 10-1 all you'll get from counselling is lip-service from Mr Perfect and you'll be spilling your guts blaming yourself more.... 'I retreated' 'I was down' 'I should have made more effort' etc. You will be the big loser.

How long has it been since you discovered the affair and how long has he been gone?

EdithWeston Sun 23-Mar-14 14:52:44

He may be seeing himself in a new light, but I note you still say that he's promising to change. That means he has not yet actually changed.

Choosing to reconcile is by far the harder path to take. And it seems he hasn't yet reached the start point of actually doing something. Protestations don't count for much - has he started acting differently? Attending individual counselling? Or working through online or published resources?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sun 23-Mar-14 15:08:19

A YEAR of deceit?

No, not a chance, in my book. That isn't a 'moment of madness' or the ever-popular 'I made a mistake.' That's hard core lying, making a mockery of the whole idea of married life.

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