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Shall I leave? Out of the frying pan into the fire

(19 Posts)
Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 23-Mar-14 08:50:04

It's such a mess. Don't know we're to start..will try to be brief.

DDs dad dropped them of yesterday, after they stayed with him for the night. Long history of him not getting on with DP.
At handover I asked XP what had happened with oldest DD a she fell off her bike (I just asked if she still had stabilisers), he then made a snidey comment and I walked back to the house with one DD, next thing I knew he lunged at DP who was in the doorway and wrestled him to the ground.
They stopped very quickly and XP got in touch to say he was remorseful. BUT both DDs saw and started crying before I could remove them from the situation. They were scared.

XP thinks DP (met six months after we split) stopped him from getting his family back. He didn't; XP dragging me across the floor did.

XP otherwise is a doting dad, wanting to be very involved; he's never shown violence to them, just me.

It's not been a walk in the park with DP either, he is absolutely fantastic with DDs, a natural. But I don't like the way he speaks to me sometimes, we've talked about it, I don't know if it will change. We get on very well and the girls seem so much happier living in this environment, but he's stubborn and rigid at times.

There's much more history, don't want to drip feed but it would take so long..

I'm so far from perfect. My mum was a claustrophobic smothering parent; I have low self esteem and confidence. I blame myself for most things that go wrong. I blame myself now. I'm embarrassed as the neighbours must think they are living next door to Jeremy Kyle participants!
(Also bad argument recently with DP when girls were away, police have been called once too).

I've also abused alcohol in the past. I dont drink when the girls are here but got very drink twice when they were away and we argued. I don't know why I did, feel very ashamed indeed, I think alcohol is incredibly destructive. I've always used alcohol to numb the negative thoughts. But I've recognised this and am taking steps to make sure that I'm not in a position to do the same again. If doesn't matter that the girls weren't here, it's still a terrible route to go down.

All that aside (!) DDs on the whole are incredibly happy wonderful beautiful girls, I have a good job and work full time, they love nursery.

I just don't know how I got here. I just seem to infuriate XP and DP. As usual I blame myself.

I just don't know what to do. They are so amazing and innocent, I want to protect them from this crap.

I hope this post hasn't been horribly self-indulgent..I just wanted to write it all down, to get some perspective (and advice!), thank you if you're still reading.

EirikurNoromaour Sun 23-Mar-14 08:58:44

So xp and DP are both abusive? I think you need to call women's aid for advice

akaWisey Sun 23-Mar-14 08:58:59

Your ex is not a doting dad, he's a dad who turns up to see his DC's for access then attacks your DP in front of them.

Your current DP is cut from the same cloth. Your DC's appear happier with him around because they are taking their cues from you and you aren't happy but are appearing to be.

Get out. Do the freedom programme online. It's free.

And it's not your fault.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 23-Mar-14 09:04:50

Thank you.

I'm sorry, I'm crying now. Because I know you're right; I wanted it to be different though, to provide a stable family environment for the girls, how flippin wrong did I get it.

How do you know it's not my fault? My brain wiring is such that its too hard wired for me. The freedom program sounds really good.. I will definitely look it up online this morning, thank you smile

Gretagumbo Sun 23-Mar-14 09:10:43

You've moved from one relationship straight to another serious relationship without getting to know yourself. Go it alone for a bit. Tell new guy to back off for a bit you don't live together do you??
Build up your own self esteem, meet new friends. Life isn't relationship dependent. Concentrate on you and your girls first xxx

akaWisey Sun 23-Mar-14 09:12:11

You have nothing to apologise for smile. You want what many people want and that's not a failing on your part.

It's not your fault because nothing you do or say makes you responsible for someone else's actions - nothing (especially abusive behaviour). If they tell you it's your fault they are doubly abusing you.

Your brain is not hard wired, it's never too late to change. Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Mar-14 09:13:41

Its no wonder at all that your self esteem and worth are through the floor and abusive men see that and exploit that for all its worth.

Both your XP and current man are really cut from the same cloth; they are both abusive. One's been physically abusive whilst the other current bloke is both stubborn and rigid. You do not like the way he talks to you sometimes; that's another indicator that things are not good in this relationship.

You also learnt a lot of damaging stuff from your own mother who did her own lot of damage to you when you were growing up. It is NOT your fault that your mother was like that when you were a child.

I would urge you to get rid of Mr Current Man as of now (you were never ever ready to begin another relationship so soon after the last abusive one ended) and work on rebuilding your life as well as your self esteem and worth. You need to show your DD positive role models and its patently not these two as men. Your ex and this bloke fighting too in front of your girls should be the last straw and I would formalise contact through the courts as of now. This current bloke has done nothing really to enhance your life and seems to enjoy the power and control he has over you.

The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid would be good for you to do and I would suggest you do this asap. At the very least talk to them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. Your mother certainly taught you a fair share of crap and those lessons have now been carried over into your own adult relationships by ending up choosing men who are likely to be very similar in nature to her. You can break this cycle of past and present abuse but its not going to be easy and will take an awful lot of work on your part.

Counselling for you would be very helpful, BACP are also good and do not charge the earth.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Mar-14 09:16:43

Its not your fault your mother, your ex and Mr Current Man are the ways they are. You are and never were responsible for another person's behaviour, only your own.

You can and must show your girls positive role models in their lives, rebuilding your own life can be a part of that overall process. The patterns that you learnt can indeed be unlearnt but it will take time and will not be an easy process.

There is a saying too; better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. Currently you are badly accompanied.

You are at heart a good person and you can do this not just for you but for your girls too.

tribpot Sun 23-Mar-14 09:17:02

You need to create a place of stability and security, both for your daughters and for you to deal with your alcohol problem. Frankly that is your only priority right now.

If you were only thinking about leaving your DP because it would stop your XP from attacking whoever you were with on the street, I would tell you not to give in to bullies. But to be honest your new relationship sounds only slightly less abusive and wrong than your old one. The whole point of the freedom programme is to help abuse victims out of the mindset that makes them vulnerable to returning to abusive relationships, either with the original abuser or another. If you look back on the Relationships board, you'll find it's incredibly common for people who've been physically abused in previous relationships to accept extremely poor subsequent relationships on the grounds it's not as bad as it was.

You can create a stable family life for you and your daughters. I would guess you would find that helped you deal with the alcohol problem in itself. But you will need to put the legwork in on that regardless - this is the book that really helped me, and it's a steal at 3 quid on the Kindle at the moment. If you don't have a Kindle you can read it on a phone, tablet or your laptop.

Make today the start of positive changes in your life.

Hissy Sun 23-Mar-14 09:24:37

The FP is good online, but imho it does really need to be done in the group setting for you to see how futile it is to hope these blokes will change.

You can do this. YOU can provide a stable happy childhood for those children without a bloke.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 23-Mar-14 09:31:42

Thank you again, for all the replies.We do live together greta, have done for nearly a year now. You're right; I do need to build up my own self esteem..and be on my own. I'm scared, but I know it's the right thing to do.

They both blamed me aka..I never thought of it being double abuse, but you're right.

Thank you atilla it's strange because my dad is so respectful and treated my mum so well (they are now divorced, she ran off with an employee who 'needed' her, my dad was too self sufficient and balanced for her liking), it was definitely my relationship with her that was screwed up; she don't like me having friends and treated me like her counsellor (me and DDs were watching Tangled/rapunzel the other day and it reminded me of her, no joke!)

Anyway, I need to take responsibility and sort this out.

I want to teach them to value themselves, to live their own lives, that they have no obligation or duty to make me happy, that I love them more than anything. To be confident and stand up for themselves.

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 23-Mar-14 09:34:12

Thank you trib and hissy and for the link, I will look today.
Things need to change....

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 23-Mar-14 10:36:24

I'm just wondering if I should also go no contact with my mum? She is the 'loving' grandmother on the surface and helps with childcare, but she's close to XP and knows duly about he physical abuse.
Maybe she thought I deserved it. If someone had hurt DD regardless of how old they were I would have wanted to stab them in the eye with a screwdriver (I wouldn't have don't that btw, I'm a pacifist! but I certainly wouldn't have been cosy and friendly with them..)

LavenderGreen14 Sun 23-Mar-14 10:40:10

Freedom Programme online is HERE

I agree though, get rid and spend some time alone. You need to break the pattern of abusive relationships. None of this your fault and you don't deserve any of it - but you need to take back the power and put a stop to it now.

And yes, if your mother is condoning the abuse (mine did) then you need to protect yourself from her too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 23-Mar-14 10:42:07

Your mother was an awful parent to you and is likely not much better as a grandmother to your children either. Yet another reason to go no contact with such a person.

Gretagumbo Sun 23-Mar-14 10:59:34

I thought living alone would be scary and lonely.......I love it! The peace, calm and happiness is brilliant. I have friends over for tea a few nights a week, I have a beautician do home visits occasionally (self esteem building!) and I have cocktail night by myself on Saturday night. It took some time to get here though and you will too. Please don't cling to a man to rescue you, rescue yourself xxx

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 23-Mar-14 16:49:41

I think I will have to go no contact attila it will break her heart not to see the GC though; she already has no contact with my brothers daughter (my xsisinlaw doesn't like her..)

So glad things worked out well for you greta the life you've made for yourself sounds lovely, I'd love that too. A few friends round now and again, lots of singing and happiness, not worried about upsetting people.
I probably need to meet some friends so its not jut me and DDs all the time, anyone have much experience doing this as a single parent? I work full time so no chance of going to groups and weekends seem to be family time for other people..

Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets Sun 23-Mar-14 16:50:53

And thanks again for the replies and greta you're right; I need to save myself xxx

procrastinatingagain Sun 23-Mar-14 16:58:09

I love being alone too, and I can provide a stable family environment for my child, and you will be able to as well. You don't need a man to do that smile

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