Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't f**king think so!!

(53 Posts)
LisaW1979 Sun 23-Mar-14 05:07:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Missblossom Sun 23-Mar-14 06:40:36

I would be telling him to do one!

EirikurNoromaour Sun 23-Mar-14 06:56:38

Do one! Don't you dare apologise. He sounds awful.

Bluestocking Sun 23-Mar-14 07:00:24

He sounds awful! Tell him he can sod off.

SanityClause Sun 23-Mar-14 07:01:39

He goes out without your "say" but you have to ask his permission?

Have you put that to him?

ihatethecold Sun 23-Mar-14 07:03:02

Selfish sod, he sounds like a child!

You go about and enjoy yourself. Fgs.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 23-Mar-14 07:07:46

<asks mildly> Did you let him know you were going to be late back? Does he let you know what time to expect him when he goes to pub after work?

whereisshe Sun 23-Mar-14 07:07:58

Sorry to hear about your mc, that's awful sad

It sounds like the two of you need to talk. Not the getting home late thing, but about the tensions the mc has uncovered / created between you. Are you getting any counselling to help you? A late mc is a tough thing to handle so don't discount outside help.

MangoBiscuit Sun 23-Mar-14 07:13:58

It's not clear from your OP whether your DP has expressed these opinions (out without his permission, not home to cook food etc) or whether you've inferred them from his stropping. Has he actually said any of it?

akaWisey Sun 23-Mar-14 07:17:27

If the tensions between you have arisen since your mc (and I'm so sorry about that) I would say that's probably key to what's happening now. It's very common for couple's to split up after a mc or death of a child OP. It's a loss for both of you.

If it's always been an issue that he strops about if you go out that's a different matter and you should revisit some ground rules and expectations of your relationship to see if this can't be resolved.

akaWisey Sun 23-Mar-14 07:18:19

sorry can be resolved.

LisaW1979 Sun 23-Mar-14 07:58:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Puttheshelvesup Sun 23-Mar-14 08:14:34

Poor you OP, it sounds like a really tough time. I would be livid with him for attempting to humiliate you publicly. FB walls are not for conducting domestics, how controlling and passive aggressive! If he has an issue it should be discussed openly and honestly with you in PRIVATE!

Please don't apologise to him. He doesn't get to dictate when you go out and when you come back. A polite text from you to keep him informed as to your whereabouts is all he can reasonably expect.

I don't have much advice really, other than be kind to yourself and see where the counselling takes you. If you crave time alone could you go to your parents for a couple of nights? Or have a night in a hotel? He can sort his own washing out for a little while.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 23-Mar-14 08:23:56

Remove it from your facebook wall. And don't have a baby with this controlling man. You need to come to terms with what has happened and going out with friends is one of those ways.

If your man doesn't treat you as an equal then something is not right within that relationship.

akaWisey Sun 23-Mar-14 08:27:22

I think you're both dealing with this in similar ways, sort of. You got drunk and talked to anyone, he posted on FB. I think you need to talk it through together with a professional. He may be very frightened of opening up about it and instead he's trying to deal with it on his own.

You don't sound like a cow OP you sound grief stricken and i've no doubt that public posting on FB is symptomatic of your DP's grief (unless he's normally given to such things). Lay off the booze too. It won't help.

LisaW1979 Sun 23-Mar-14 08:31:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji Sun 23-Mar-14 08:35:42

You don't sound selfish. You sound hurt.
And he sounds like a twat.
It's in moments like this that people reveal themselves. During the good times everyone can be nice and pleasant.

I'm sort of tempted to say to tell him very firmly that this is unacceptable and that if can leave if he feels like that and anything less than an apology and improved behaviour will make you leave. And suggest counselling for both of you and as a couple.

But... I think that's who he is. And if you hit another rocky patch, or find yourself vulnerable, that is who he will be. And if you have a child then or are not earning, it will be much harder to leave.
So, frankly, I think the best option for you is to finish it with this man.

LisaW1979 Sun 23-Mar-14 08:37:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji Sun 23-Mar-14 08:37:51

But seek counselling for you anyway, and stop drinking. It is dangerous at times like this when you are vulnerable, as you know.

CinnabarRed Sun 23-Mar-14 08:42:21

TBF, if DH disappeared for hours unexpectedly, and was incommunicado, I would first be incredibly scared for his well-being, and then incredibly angry for the worry he put me to. (I wouldn't care two hoots about making my own dinner, or if he were drunk, or waking me.)

Did you text him to let him know you were safe and with friends?

If not, then I think he has a point.

Not one that should be played out on Facebook though.

CinnabarRed Sun 23-Mar-14 08:44:16

Sorry - xpost - so he did know where you were - on that case all my sympathy for him has evaporated!

Puttheshelvesup Sun 23-Mar-14 08:46:13

It takes two to have a healthy relationship and if he won't play ball there is nothing more you can do. Maybe if you lay it all out to him:
"this isn't working, this needs to change, if you are not willing to do your bit it's over",
he may be shocked enough to start communicating.

I'm sorry about your mum not being around. I hope you have some good friends to support you.x

akaWisey Sun 23-Mar-14 08:50:18

I reckon it's both OP, such a loss can bring to the fore weaknesses which were already there, old grudges get resurrected, destructive ways of coping are played out……..but not necessarily though. You should definitely see someone on your own if he refuses to go to counselling with you. If he sees it's helping you he might change his mind and come too.

Sparks1007 Sun 23-Mar-14 08:50:39

I would also suggest the heart to heart conversation. Maybe he doesn't realise how serious you are about this. That said, if a lot of this behaviour is new for him then I think he really needs help in dealing with the loss too. Many people underestimate the impact it has on fathers. My parents suffered an mc and I have never heard my dad even mention it. I think even now if you did mention to him he'd probably still be in bits about it. And it was about 35 years ago.

Re the FB. Tough one. You got drunk and told any stranger that would listen. He put it on FB. Seem fairly similar reactions to me.

FoxInTheDesert Sun 23-Mar-14 09:53:04

I don't think it's fair to blame the guy for everything and call him a twat, saying he is not treating her as an equal, controlling her. From 1 or 2 incidents the consensus is that he is not doing his part in the relationship. As much as it's more physically and emotionally painful for a woman to lose her child, and she will be suffering more and longer from the consequences, it's also HIS child. He also lost a baby. We all react differently to loss and though what he did was wrong, what you did was also wrong. The 2 of you need to sit down and talk. Really talk. And listen to each others feelings. Again, both of you are dealing with loss, and you have to get through that together.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now