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is it the relationship or the situation - help me

(9 Posts)
NinjaChipmunk Sat 22-Mar-14 21:08:24

Quick bit of background. Been with dp 17 years, got 2 dc, one is 6 one is nearly 2. Moved house when dc2 was just born, it needs some work doing to it. DP also changed job at the same time and it is a 1 yr contract due to end in the summer.
We are both very stressed. Even though he earns a good wage and I work part time we are completely skint. If he doesn't find a new job soon we won't be able to pay the mortgage in the summer. He pays the mortgage and all the bills, I pay for the childcare and the food. I am having a meeting at work to discuss flexible working as currently childcare is so expensive I am out of pocket every month.
We barely talk, we haven't had sex for 2 years and I can't remember the last time we cuddled. I think I still love him but i'm not in love with him. I don't know what to do for the best. I know I need to initiate some kind of conversation but we avoid each other very well. Please help me as I don't know where to go from here and i'm sat here in tears.

NinjaChipmunk Sat 22-Mar-14 21:32:25

we are both at the end of our tethers. I spend most of my time feeling sick with worry or waking at 5am and not being able to sleep. I know he is stressed as he is out a lot and also not sleeping well. DC1 would be devastated if we separated I'm just so scared and sad and lost. I don't want to be the one who tears my family apart.

monniemae Sat 22-Mar-14 21:42:54

Didn't want to read and run but don't usually post in here. It does sound though like it's the situation - at least insofar as it will be clouding whatever else is going on. Your fretful worrying about being in love / leaving is likely to be about needing change rather than definitely about the relationship itself needing to end?

As ever, you need to talk to him. About the stress, make new plans, etc..

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 21:44:10

Sorry, not sure how to help.

Why is he out a lot?

Have you got together and analysed finances?

Then deal with the relationship itself.

NinjaChipmunk Sat 22-Mar-14 21:50:31

Lweji he plays sport, goes running and sees his friends. We have never been good at talking, and money has never been jointly held however we pay roughly equal proportions of salary to keep things going however I have a few debts (which I find embarrassing to talk about) which doesn't help. Although they only cost me around £180 a month. However it is difficult to shift them as I don't earn much
I don't know how to start the conversation we need, I'm terrified of asking what he feels for me in case it is all the beginning of the end. God, i'm in a state.

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 21:53:52

Are those previous debts?
Why aren't they paid as a couple so that the family doesn't lose money?

Do you get free time? In the same proportion like he does?

NinjaChipmunk Sat 22-Mar-14 21:57:53

Debts are fairly recent as most have come about as cost of childcare went up and I thought I could cope with it but I couldn't. I'm stupid for that and I know it. I can't tell him. I have no spare cash to go out but i've been so depressed recently I just don't feel like it anyway. I feel like i'm clinging to it all by my fingernails.

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 22:03:23

These are not your personal debts, it's for the care of his children.
You have to tell him and you must at the very least discuss finances jointly.
Any debt you get it's family debt. Unless he doesn't consider it that way, in which case I will tell you now it is best to leave.

Charley50 Sat 22-Mar-14 22:56:26

Have you applied for tax credits housing benefit etc?

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