Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH is in denial

(39 Posts)
Baroozer Sat 22-Mar-14 20:15:03

I've been with my DH for 10 years. 3 DC, 5,4 and 2. He's always liked a drink and until four years ago he was an ok drunk - bit loud, but not abusive or nasty.

It all changed. He has depression. He's been going downhill for years and his drinking increased as he got more and more depressed. It went up to at least two bottles a day, the most was a box of wine and half a bottle of whiskey. I said that I didn't think it was ok to drink that much, that maybe he should talk to someone about how he was feeling, but he ignored me, and he was still able to work well in his job, so no one else knew how bad it was.

Four months ago, he hit bottom. With his depression. Not with his drinking. He still hasn't told anyone about his drinking. He refuses to admit it is a problem. But it is. For me and for the kids. Because he is desperate for alcohol, his temper is short. But it gets worse when he has a drink. After his latest binge, two weeks ago, I told him I was worried that he was an alcoholic, and he immediately went off at the deep end. He was abusive to me, swearing, screaming, breaking furniture, getting in my face and scaring me shitless.

After that, he promised he would stay dry, although he denies that he has ever been an alcoholic. It was all my fault for calling him one, he said, that would upset anyone.

We had an argument half an hour ago and he stormed out of the house. I think he is going to buy wine and if he does I can't stay here. So part of me, the part that thinks that I don't love him any more and I shouldn't stay for my own sanity, wants him to buy that bottle so that I have a cast-iron reason to leave. For myself. And the other part, that says how horrible it would be to leave someone when they are struggling with depression, wants him to be strong enough to come back without any alcohol so that I don't have to be the bad guy.

I suppose I'm posting here to find out how I can leave, if he goes down that road again. And also how I can stay, if he doesn't.

MexicanSpringtime Thu 27-Mar-14 05:17:21

Al-Anon would still be helpful even though you have reached a decision about your DH.

mummytime Thu 27-Mar-14 05:30:26

Do still go to Alanon when you can, even if you've kicked him out by then. It will help you see things more clearly and help you in the future.

For now get some legal advice ASAP, unless you are afraid for your or the DCs safety try not to move out of the house until you have had legal advice.

Logg1e Thu 27-Mar-14 05:38:38

Have you told anyone? You shouldn't go through this alone.

Baroozer Thu 27-Mar-14 06:22:45

I have told one friend so far. Her DP drank in secret, but she would still be with him if he hadn't found someone else.

This is not our house, it's rented, and we are in the process of selling my house so I will have some money to buy a new house as soon as that's gone through. I just need to survive without going mad until that can happen.

Logg1e Thu 27-Mar-14 07:13:03

I hate the idea of you having to live under such close conditions with him in the meantime. What can you do to give yourself little escapes?

Baroozer Thu 27-Mar-14 07:27:10

It's ok. I realised in the middle of the night that we live separately anyway. He sleeps in the spare room and he spends most of his time here in his study. Avoiding him will be easy enough.

Baroozer Thu 27-Mar-14 07:28:20

When I said about surviving without going mad, I meant about being able to control my anxiety about his drinking.

SauceForTheGander Thu 27-Mar-14 07:57:06

Good luck today Baroozer I hope the day passes without any upsetting incident.

Are you able to phone anyone Al anon / drink charity if you can't get to a meeting?


Logg1e Thu 27-Mar-14 08:19:09

Does he know that the relationship is over?

Baroozer Thu 27-Mar-14 08:19:51


I will be phoning people as soon as DH goes out.

Baroozer Thu 27-Mar-14 08:22:24

I don't know if he does know, Logg1e. He must know something is not right, but he seems so mired in all his past grievances that I don't know if he understands how bad our current situation is. I feel like I might be making this decision on my own and then just letting him know when I go.

TheBeautifulVisit Thu 27-Mar-14 08:42:09

You might want to make sure the proceeds from your house sale go somewhere safe.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 27-Mar-14 08:49:38

One of the reasons his treatment for depression isn't working is because he has not told his 'team' that he drinks. They are in the dark regarding his real issue, or should I say has not told them he is an alcoholic for that is what he surely is.
Leave. He may need that to stop drinking. Primarily leave for yourself and yourself alone. You have the right to a lovely life and he does not care one jot for your needs or wants Baroozer. The person you loved, he has drowned by his own hand. he did that. You owe him nothing and as for feeling bad leaving him when he is depressed, replace depressed with alcoholic and you have a more accurate description of your situation.

Baroozer Thu 27-Mar-14 09:14:33

I'll get the solicitors to transfer the money into the account I have jointly with my dad, TheBeautifulVisit.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay, you're right. I should replace depressed with alcoholic. The trouble is that no one else will so I will be judged by people I care about. But that's something to deal with in the future. I recorded his angry rant on my phone last night so at least I have something to prove how things really were, if only to myself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now