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Hyperemesis and partner moaning about chores (long)

(16 Posts)
KeepitDown Sat 22-Mar-14 19:07:02

Namechange as lots of revealing stuff I don't want linked to me. bear

I really just want to get this off my chest and have a good rant as there isn't anyone I can burden at the moment (friends/family all have their own issues).

I'm just over halfway through my third pregnancy, and its not going particularly well. Have already had a hospital admission with a virus and hyperemesis, both causing cardiac strain, and feel exhausted and short of breath all the time (as well as vomiting everything... have lost a stone in weight).

First child grown and left, second child just a toddler and very hard work at the moment (lovely as he is). Almost died during the second pregnancy, had to be induced, multiple-organ failure, sepsis, then 2 litre bleed.

I'm also working fulltime (Mon-Fri), partner works (Sat/Sun), in quite a stressful/active job. Can't take leave as haven't been there long enough to qualify for anything other than statutory mat. pay, and we won't even cover our rent on it. Its also a training post, so taking too much time out will mean having to repeat another low-paid year which we just can't afford.

So, I'm tired and stressed (so is DH to be fair), and worried about this pregnancy as well as feeling sick all the damned time. Yet, he seems to think this is a good time to air all of his little niggling annoyances about how I do things/what I don't do.

Just petty things:
ie. not making the bed as soon as I get up (from time to time), despite me explaining the morning is the worst for sickness and I just can't face it and will do it later

- leaving my socks down by the side of my chair instead of taking them to basket

- not washing up glasses/dishes right away (they are always done by the end of the day).

-lots of other stupid, small things

On top of this, he's also constantly moaning about 'living in a monastery' because he apparently doesn't get enough sex (we do it about every other day, solely because he wants it, and I'm already resenting having to deal with it while feeling sick).

I'm just getting so angry with him. He normally has a lot of good points, and has been very supportive in the past, but I'm struggling to remember who he was with who I'm seeing now.

At the same time I know he's stressed too, and I probably am coming across lazy or unbothered (I normally take tablets for long-term depression, which I have come off for the pregnancy, so more apathetic than usual). I'm just sick of the small continuous jabs, all the fucking time.

<sigh> Sorry for the length, just really do need to unload, and get my own head straight. Can't figure out if my anger is justified, or whether I'm just angry at him pointing out I'm not myself (I'm not).

CountessOfRule Sat 22-Mar-14 19:12:23

Why are all those things your job? If he's around to be bothered by the bed, he could make it; if he isn't then what difference does it make? Again, why is it automatically your job even when you aren't 20w pg with HG?

Do you think he is afraid of losing you (both) this time?

He doesn't sound like a great catch from what you've said. Has he always been like this or is it a new development?

KeepitDown Sat 22-Mar-14 19:20:25

He does do a lot around the house (the majority I'd say), but the job of doing the bed falls to whoever gets out of it last (me on the weekends).
To be fair, the things he is moaning about are things I should be doing to pull my own weight (and I normally do!), but I've just been feeling so tired/sick.

I do think he is afraid, probably very afraid actually, and I'm trying to cut him some slack for that, but I just wish he would cut me some slack too.

He isn't himself at all, he's definitely not normally like this (we'd never have got married), and he seems to get more obsessed with the little things the more stressed he gets. Then he picks at me and I withdraw more (inwardly seething and emotional, but avoiding him). Its just such a mess at the moment.

wyrdyBird Sat 22-Mar-14 19:30:09

You're ill, pregnant, stressed and having to work FT.

And your partner is concerned about how much sex you're having and little details about the housework? And jabbing at you all the time.

I wouldn't assume he's afraid or excuse the behaviour on that basis. Have you had a frank talk about all this?

Meerka Sat 22-Mar-14 19:32:05

dear GOD you have HG and he's like this?

he needs a serious grip. Im amazed you can even get out of bed with HG - lots of people with it can't.

I'm thinking that your husband needs to speak to someone who can really tell him what it's like and the fact that as well as meds, you need REST.

This number has specialists in HG. 024 7638 2020 ( If you ring them and leave a message they will get back to you. Perhaps if you can ring them they could let you know of an HG specialist in your area and you could try to talk to them. perhaps they could help you manage it and even speak to your husband to tell him what it's actually -like- and that you need minimum stress going. maybe your husband owuld also benefit from reading [[http://www.helpher.org/forum3/viewforum.php?f=29&sid=cc5514618e3ae982b28b10945ed77424 these forums, the help HER forums. American long established forums with some good stuff on.

and please feel free to join us on the Mumsnet thread.

i hope your husband gets a clue soon. its an utterly miserable disease, and between that and your experience in the 2nd pregnancy Im not surprised you're stressed out of your head.

Meerka Sat 22-Mar-14 19:33:21

Oh, it may also help to oint out that pressuring a preg and very, very sick woman to have sex is a really good way to turn you off him in the long term.

it's very hard to respond to anyone when you're not feeling safe, loved and well and to be pressured when you're in that state is a really great way to ruin intimacy long term.

Meerka Sat 22-Mar-14 19:34:53

sorry, link fail; dont know why.

(If you ring them and leave a message they will get back to you. Perhaps if you can ring them they could let you know of an HG specialist in your area and you could try to talk to them. perhaps they could help you manage it and even speak to your husband to tell him what it's actually -like- and that you need minimum stress going.

Maybe your husband would also benefit from reading the help HER forums

wyrdyBird Sat 22-Mar-14 19:36:50

....yes, he ought to be concerned about you, and going out of his way to support you.

Sick, pregnant and working, with a small child - most of us would be in sheer survival mode. Sex, making the bed, washing a glass ..what does that matter confused

Mintyy Sat 22-Mar-14 19:38:15

Sorry you are having such a terrible time. I sincerely hope it gets better when you've had the baby.

KeepitDown Sat 22-Mar-14 19:42:01

Thank you for those links, I think you're right, he doesn't really get that its more than just a bit of morning sickness, and of course the nausea is invisible. Am on cyclizine which has been helping a lot, but still vomiting the majority of food/drink.

We've not been able to have a sensible talk yet, but I've asked him to ease off a bit, and he seems to think I'm being very unfair. He actually asked me if I think I'm above him now that our fulltime/part-time positions have swapped (wtf?). Of course I don't, but he can't seem to grasp that my slacking in chores isn't a deliberate dig at him, its because I feel like lying down on the floor and not getting up.

Have to start toddler bedtime routine, but will be back.

RandomMess Sat 22-Mar-14 19:42:13

I honestly think you should ask him outright whether he has considered you may not survive this pregnancy. Perhaps my bringing out the real issues into the open you can both agree that whilst you are so ill things are going to be different but you both need to focus on you taking very good care of yourself so there is a happy ending.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 22-Mar-14 19:48:14

Minor detail - but tell him that making bed straight after vacating it vastly increases the number of house dust mites - they love warm moist environments. Much better to leave duvet back for an hour or more to let it air. Also bad environmentally to run hot water every time you use a glass/cup - much more efficient to wash them several at a time. Is he a bit OCD in his domestic habits?

MistressDeeCee Sat 22-Mar-14 20:38:03

I couldn't live with this level of nagging. You arent his stress-counsellor he needs to get off your back and not pick on you whilst you're pregnant ie, vulnerable in his eyes.

Meerka Sat 22-Mar-14 20:39:13

^ He actually asked me if I think I'm above him now^

.............. <speechless>

Please tell your husband that the best medicine for HG is ondansetron. which is given for chemotherapy.

You are not exaggerating, you are ILL and it is amazing you can cope with a job and a toddler at all. Many people can't.

On a practical note, are you managing to keep down liquids at least? is your doctor HG-aware? some doctors are, now, but there's still a lot who aren't. There are more powerful meds available which are considered safe, some have been used for decades and actually, by millions of women.

It sounds like your husband is suffering from some serious insecurity at the moment. Is it worth sitting and talking to him seriously generally, and perhaps specifically at the doctor's?

MistressDeeCee Sat 22-Mar-14 21:57:18

Im just reading through and hoping OP has the support of family and good friends whilst going through all this. This man could drive her to the point of very serious illness. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour.

LucindaE Sun 23-Mar-14 09:08:34

KeepitDown I really feel for you. Not many people who have had this awful thing can empathize properly, but this is one unsympathetic partner, he doesn't seem to get it at all that you wouldn't have been hospitalised if you weren't seriously ill. I don't know how you are coping with such a schedule at all, full time work, a toddler, a demanding husband - do come over to the Hyperemesis thread where everyone knows you aren't making a fuss about nothing. There have been several women on there in the past with unsymapthetic partners and it did help them a bit not only to vent but to get advice from others on there about how best to deal with this insensitive treatment.
He ought to be grateful he gets any sexual activity at all - a lot of women with this just can't stand to be touched and tend to vomit if they are moved about!
I can't improve on my friend Meerka's suggestions re that advice line re treatment, links etc, but do come on over and join us
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/2027794-Hyperemesis-Support?
In the meantime, this will pass, honestly. You will feel human again.
Remember that.
Hugs.

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