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Do EA guys change? Ex is getting married

(18 Posts)
withextradinosaurs Sat 22-Mar-14 16:02:01

I'm NC with my emotionally abusive ex, but heard from a friend of a friend today that he's getting married soon.

Do they change? He broke me and it took years to get back to a good place.

Or did I bring it on myself somehow?

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 16:11:00

Don't do that to yourself. Just don't.

He may have learned to be more polite. But you won't have brought it on yourself. That's just what they want you to believe - so don't!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 22-Mar-14 16:13:19

He'll do it to the new wife, too. He may be on his best behaviour now, but he won't keep it up one she "belongs" to him.

It's not you, it really isn't.

Damnautocorrect Sat 22-Mar-14 16:15:40

You didn't bring it on yourself. You didn't control his behaviour
When my EA ex got married I questioned this myself. I know she stood up to him at the beginning and he backed down, she's also 'allowed' to do stuff I wasn't. I see elements of the manipulation I'm not close enough (thankfully!) to see how far he's worked it. I don't believe they change fully but I do think they adapt to the new person

Damnautocorrect Sat 22-Mar-14 16:16:47

Don't forget your seeing the shiny outside they want you to see. The same shiny outside others saw whe you were together

yourehavingalaugh Sat 22-Mar-14 16:22:23

I also think people can be different with a new partner. It does make you think was it me? But they would have to be different or they wouldn't meet anyone else. Also the dynamic between every couple is different.

FrogbyAnotherName Sat 22-Mar-14 16:24:33

My EA ex became EA when I stopped fulfilling his expectations and complying with his wishes. His Dad was exactly the same - a model husband as long as his wife did as he expected - if she didn't, he was very different.

exH remarried within 2 years; his DW reminds me of myself when he and I first married. As long as she doesn't deviate from his script, she'll be fine.

Cringechilli Sat 22-Mar-14 16:26:29

Poor woman (the one he's marrying). Unlikely to change fundamentally.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sat 22-Mar-14 17:12:15

My EA ex was already communicating and forming a relationship with another woman while we were together. He spent the first 9 months of our separation telling me he wanted to get back together with me, although he wasn't willing to admit to being abusive or go to counselling or parenting class or anything at all (because in his opinion, he'd done nothing wrong).

After I finally got through to him that we were not getting back together, he "fell in love" with this OW over the course of 3-4 weeks and has moved in with her and her children, proposed to her and is now trying to hurry me along into the divorce.

So he's got her primed and ready to go. Unlikely to change.

2013go Sat 22-Mar-14 17:38:49

I asked exactly the same question recently, most people said no. I still wonder if I just bought out the worst in him. I fully expect he is getting married soon. I cannot imagine him really ever giving himself to anyone.

LavenderGreen14 Sat 22-Mar-14 18:04:03

I think the new victim gets an older, more crotchety version of him - so he probably ends up much worse. Not your fault at all btw - pity his new partner tbh.

withextradinosaurs Sat 22-Mar-14 18:25:28

I feel like I should post her a big bag of red flags! Or a sign that says "run for the hills." I can't find it in myself to wish him well. I am glad that I have nothing to do with him now.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sat 22-Mar-14 18:48:53

Its not you, it really isnt.

Only now, you'll unwilling be a part of his new marriage, as he'll trot out the "dinosaurs, didnt do this, i thought you were different"

They really dont change, they just get more subtle with it.

cozietoesie Sat 22-Mar-14 19:06:09

i don't think they change in the fundamentals but it's not your relationship now. Let it go.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sat 22-Mar-14 19:08:40

I noticed initially that he spoke about his ex (now deceased) in very reverent tones - she was wonderful, etc etc. Then slowly the negative comments about her crept in. Soon she was a bad mother that never connected with her DS and was financially controlling and so on and so forth.

I'm sure he's saying some dreadful things about me to his new fiancé. I can't bring myself to care, to be honest. He'll most likely be abusive to her and her kids (and grandkids), but there's nothing I can do about that. She won't believe me, as she'll think it's just bitterness and jealousy. I doubt that it would occur to her that I don't want him back. hmm

Karenblixen Sat 22-Mar-14 19:10:30

Well would you have started dating him if he had been abusive right from the outset? Of course not. He is probably now the charming guy who he was to you when you first met.

My DS asked me the other day if I would warn the OW (if there is an OW, but we don't know). I don't think so. She won't believe you.

Karenblixen Sat 22-Mar-14 19:22:49

Anyway, you don't have to wish him well. You have wasted enough of your time and you have your own future to consider. Not his future. Move on, please.

withextradinosaurs Sat 22-Mar-14 22:18:37

Lacing up my moving on boots smile

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