Long time lurker here, trying to make sense of the muddle in my head.
My mother died very suddenly last Sunday - literally dropped dead as she was getting ready to go out.
We weren't NC but we were mostly estranged due to a lifetime of EA. She lived in another country and I hadn't seen her for 2 years as she wasn't able to come to the UK (ill partner) and I made no effort to visit her as I didn't want to spend time with her. We spoke only occasionally, again due to my reluctance to engage with her. I wasn't strong enough to go NC as there wasn't anything big enough to justify it.
I don't know how I feel, I keep crying in little bursts but not sure why. It's been nearly a week and haven't yet had a single moment of feeling sad or bereft, it's just shock and maybe a tiny bit of relief. A colleague sent me flowers and I felt a total fraud, she's trying to sympathise but it's not a normal 'devastated at the loss of a parent ' situation.
Due to legalities, her memorial service (in lieu of funeral) isn't likely to happen for another couple of weeks, and I don't know whether to go. I won't get any comfort or closure, and it'll be a lovely opportunity for various family members to point out what a total failure of a daughter I was (she was a classic narc, and very plausible when telling people how she tried so hard but I was just cold and horrid to her for no reason). I can't shake the feeling of obligation, as if by not going I'd be embarrassing her which is just completely irrational.
I've talked it over with DH and he'll support whatever I do. If I don't go my brother won't forgive me which means that relationship is over - but due to differing views on mother we've barely spoken for several years anyway, and I'm not sure that having him back in my life would be positive for me. I feel guilty though, like I'm letting him down and being very selfish.
No point to this really, not even sure why I'm posting - maybe to give poor DH a break!
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Relationships
When a toxic parent dies
36 replies
Whyaremyfeetsofat · 22/03/2014 15:30
OP posts:
LondonForTheWeekend ·
22/03/2014 17:07
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