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I just wish everyone would back off at the weekends

(21 Posts)
lupo Sat 22-Mar-14 13:34:55

Ok, will try and keep this brief. Dh I believe is EA and loves to goad me at the weekend, I try not to react or bite but weekends are hard work. My mum is quite controlling and likes to dictate what I do, I am nearly forty btw. So h takes ds out for the day and mum and I go to tesco, she said she will come with me as I need to do the weekly shop. For the past four moths every time we speak she said I should go to Aldi instead as cheaper. Each time, for the past four months I have explained that I can't get everything I need there and would need to go to two supermarkets which I haven't got time to do. Weekends are busy enough. I have literally begged her and given my reasons each time but she still goes on and on. She mentioned Aldi on way to tesco again, is I was so fed up is agreed. Basically I ended up cross and bit stroppy because once again I had been forced into doing something I didn't want to. She's is now cross that I am cross and I am now feeling guilty,. To top this, dh will be home soon and would
Prob enjoy winding me up at the weekend again. Plus I have inlaws was to cook for tomorrow and
They are pretty toxic also. Am so fed up and just want to be left alone...

LaurieFairyCake Sat 22-Mar-14 13:37:11

Dump them all

You have a right to live your own life

BackforGood Sat 22-Mar-14 13:38:45

Have I got it right.... you are kindly giving someone a lift to the supermarket, and then changed the supermarket you wanted to go to, because the person you are giving a lift to, complained ?

Surely the obvious response is .... "I hear Aldi has good prices, but I prefer Tesco. Do you want a lift or not?" End of.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 22-Mar-14 13:40:26

As is often said NO is a complete sentence.

Once you make a stand op it gets easier, consider that doesn't work me as your new mantra.

Bunbaker Sat 22-Mar-14 13:41:17

Shop online.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Mar-14 13:46:35

You are not 'stroppy'... toddlers are stroppy. As a grown woman putting your foot down you are 'assertive' and that's the perfect response to bullies. If your DM is cross tell her to go back to her own house and do it there rather than making your home miserable. Don't let DH wind you up but tell him to get lost as well. Cancel the in-laws if you've changed your mind. Your house, your kitchen, you choose who you cook for.

I would strongly suggest you consider making an appointment on Monday with a solicitor so that you can understand what independence might look like. Whether you stay together or split up, I think having some information will give you more confidence.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 13:50:33

This sounds like a nightmare. You are accepting so much shit. Would you consider counselling?

hamptoncourt Sat 22-Mar-14 13:56:32

OP your post reminded me so much of myself about four years ago. My mother is also toxic. I was in an unhappy marriage and was also dreading visits from overbearing and overinvested inlaws.

I actually ended up hating myself the most, because I hated the version of myself that all this turned me into. I would spend so much of my time trying to avoid everyone that I became quite manipulative and controlling.

I ended my marriage and also went NC with toxic narc mother (who behaved precisely as you describe yours) and now my life is so much easier/happier. I feel two stone lighter without dieting!!!

Life is too short for all this shit. Time to take charge and take action I think? Good luck.

lupo Sat 22-Mar-14 14:10:54

Thanks for all the messages so far, I certainly won't be apologising to my mother this time , as for h , am pretty detached there too. Just soo tired of all the stress, though have a mice weekend booked next weekend so may get some chill out time then

hamptoncourt Sat 22-Mar-14 14:55:32

grin at mice weekend Imagination in overdrive!!

That is all you can do, detach detach detach. Trying to live your life so emotionally detached from people you are "supposed to love" can be very draining though. This is why most of us eventually physically detach as well after a while.

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 14:59:00

Ok, why are you taking your mother shopping?
Or leave her at Aldi for her shopping, go to Tesco, then collect her on your return.

And don't cook for the inlaws. Tell your OH to do it. Hopefully he'll divorce you for that.

LizSurly Sat 22-Mar-14 16:04:21

Wow. My h is my x but after i'd left him, and after I'd had psychotherapy I saw how my ' choice' of partner was largely down to that feeling where being bossed about and controlled and not heard (but trained to need approval) felt so familiar when I met my xh, then bf. If you know what I mean.

So it might be worth looking in to that, if that doesn't sound too LA

LizSurly Sat 22-Mar-14 16:09:16

I find my parents much easier now that I SEE what I didn't see before. Eg, going to scandinavia this year and my parents discussed this with me, with their heads tilted, reminding me that I spoke only French and Spanish and that Scandinavia was really expensive and Portugal, Spain or France would make much more sense. Instead of defending my decision, I just nodded, then booked what I wanted to book. They were so surprised. They thought 'we' had decided that Scandinavia not a good idea for me. I said, 'oh, yeh, i think i remember you saying that'.

Another stupid example, I've just painted the back wall of my garden pink. My Dad went on and on and on about how I would regret it, how the neighbours onlooking my garden would think it odd, how it would be hard to get the right type of paint in pink, how it wouldn't look like a garden . I love my parents but they just go on and on and on til you AGREE. So, now I get this I just nod and say 'yeh' vaguely.

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 16:11:06

My mother is very critical, particularly of my home.
She doesn't get invited.

LizSurly Sat 22-Mar-14 16:14:58

really good article about being too nice

I know you probably can't click your fingers and apply this to your current world, but this is an interesting article which spelled out to me why I was in the situation I was in, with so many emotionally draining relationships going on.

Longdistance Sat 22-Mar-14 16:18:15

I'd second dropping your dm off at Aldi, and then you can shop in peace in Tesco.

expatinscotland Sat 22-Mar-14 16:25:35

Your mother conditioned you to accept bullshit.

You need counselling to learn that you don't have to put up with it.

LizSurly Sat 22-Mar-14 16:51:28

My mother would keel over in shock and horror if I confronted her with the fact that she trained me to seek her approval and had me so addled I couldn't distinguish between what she wanted me to want and what I wanted. They did overlap sometimes because I couldn't enjoy something if it didn't win her approval.

So, psychotherapy was really helpful for me because my mum is not a bad person per se, she just thinks I'm awkward or making a point or being silly if I don't agree with her thoughts.

Now i just react differently. I really recommend it. I wish I'd had it before I met my x. The man before my children's father dumped me and I really wish I could have had psychotherapy then at that point, not a decade later! But you live and learn even if that learning is later than ideal.

I only began to figure these things out in my mid-late 30s.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 17:08:35

These are very much the reasons I suggested counselling too. The fact that you still ended up in Aldis is very telling, I think.

Wrapdress Sat 22-Mar-14 17:21:22

I wonder if separating from your mother will improve H's behavior towards you?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 22-Mar-14 17:29:07

DM's got what she wanted but you are fed up of the same wheeling every weekend. It's a diversion though. I take it you don't have the emotional connection to talk to her about more important issues like why you believe your H is being EA.

I mean this kindly stuff Aldi vs Tesco what is the real issue with H? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree so if PILs are toxic it seems that their DS has followed suit.

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