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Advice rebuilding relationship

(10 Posts)
muser31 Sat 22-Mar-14 10:02:20

dh and i are separated but we are going to continue going to marriage counselling, and we have had little contact really for 2 years. i have agreed alongside counselling to start rebuilding our relationship outside of this - perhaps goinf for walks or a meal, that kind of thing. he still sees our 2 year old. at the minute i am not thinking of reconciliation - there has been so much hurt and pain i don't think it is possible - he would need to seriously change and i doubt he will... but at the minute i would like to focus on friendship with the teeniest possibility that we might get back together.

the advice i am asking is this..... do you think it would be ok for us to do joint activities with our dd? she is my priority, and i don't want her to be hurt if we start doing family activities together and then stop (if we are not getting back together and our friendship diminishes) on the other side of the coin, he will always be her father, she will always see him, and perhaps we will do some joint things together in the future regardless such as parent evenings, stuff concerning her etc, so will it actually cause her harm if we are doing stuff together and then stop? obviously we will keep all our difficult issues for counselling or when we are alone together.

Millyblods Sat 22-Mar-14 10:09:57

I would think it would be confusing for her to have you both together on outings. If you are thinking about getting back together in the future then you need to be dating again at some point to see if there is still enough spark there to ignite. Do you still live him and fancy him because two years is a long time to have been apart. What have you both been doing in that period.

Millyblods Sat 22-Mar-14 10:10:22


AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Mar-14 10:21:51

I remember you from previous writings.

Why resume any joint activities after 2 years apart?. Why has this suggestion come about?. Playing so called happy families with her will likely confuse her all the more. You have also seemed happier apart these past two years.

I think that yet again you are setting yourself up for a huge fall here. You state that she would always see him but inherently selfish men like your H do often turn their backs on their children without a second glance.

You and your DD deserve better than he.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Mar-14 10:45:09

I think you need to be honest with yourself. In the space of two sentences you went from 'I am not thinking of reconciliation' to 'the teeniest possibility that we might get back together'

I can't personally see why you'd waste your time on marriage guidance and meals/walks/etc with someone from whom you've been separated two years and who caused you huge pain and hurt. Unless you're lying to yourself, this has nothing to do with DD and you're angling to ease his way back into your life with what looks like dating. In which case it would make perfect sense. hmm

mymiraclebubba Sat 22-Mar-14 10:48:33

I don't think joint activities yet is a good idea as at 2 it will be very confusing for her.

If you have no desire to actually reconcile then why are you bothering with counselling and spending time together?

muser31 Sat 22-Mar-14 19:08:36

thank you for the responses they have been helpful. i realise now i need to just make sure if we do see each other dd must not be with us... to protect her. cogito it is about protecting her, and also about dating dh again.

the reason why im starting this again after a bad session of marriage counselling was because he sent me an email afterwards apologising, saying he was sorry and wants to change and can i give him another chance. this is the first time i have seen him be genuinely remorserful since we separated (then he didn't do anything for 2 years but he has excuses for that...thats all they are - excuses, but still i am going to give him that extra chance.) if he is serious about changing i will give him a set time limit - and i guess the only way for me to see progress is spending time with him alongside our marriage counselling. i hope this makes sense.

Handywoman Sat 22-Mar-14 19:49:22

IMO you are selling yourself short, muser31 he has dangled a carrot of remorse and now you feel ?duty-bound to let it rumble on a bit more?

I think a healthier option is for you to go to counselling on your own to process the hurt and pain. He is free to go on working on himself. It is so easy to stay in the same dynamic 'at a distance' please do look after yourself thanks

Lovingfreedom Sat 22-Mar-14 20:08:20

If you feel your ex is truly sorry, why not accept his apology. There's no need to set yourself back by getting back together with him though, or by spending unnecessary time with him.

muser31 Sun 23-Mar-14 12:41:14

if he wants to change and will change though i would like to get back with him. if he isn't going to change i don't want to get back with him but will accept his apology... and the only way to find out is to give him another chance. i do see that he is dangling that carrot in front of me as a worse case scenario, but in best case scenario there might be hope. its so hard. not having the best of days its been very stressful dd been crying all morning as she isn't feeling the best

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