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Tired and fucked off.

(22 Posts)
Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 08:51:45

Actually I'm more than tired, my eye balls feel like they are hanging out and in between my eye lids twitching they feel like they are inside out.

We have a 10m dd, sleeping through is hit and miss, more miss than hit.

I'm a SAHM but go to work for a few hours today to keep my foot in the door and escape for a few hours. DP gave up working this day so I could do this as.

The deal was, when he is working, I go to dd during the night and visa versa.

But last night I tended to her three times, two whilst he was pretending to snore head off, the third he was talking so fucking long to even get out of bed, I just got up and made a bottle. I'm not dashing to her straight away,I wait and see if she will go back off herself.

I've had about four hours sleep. I was due in work at half eight but rang in and said I maybe in later. I coach kids in a potentially dangerous environment so f I'm not on the ball then accidents will happen.

I'm not surprised this happens because he is one of the most laziest fucking people I have met. I'm not his partner, I'm his mother, maid, skivvy,cook, cleaner. I don't mid doing the cleaning whist he is at work , but the mess he makes is just mindless, eg cupboard doors left open after a drink, plates on floor, sweet papers just left where he was sat.

I have to remind him to shave and brush his fucking teeth, to tuck his shirt in on his suit for work, honestly he is like a fucking ten year old avoiding looking smart for school.

I've gone of having sex with him, I enjoy it when I can be arsed, but getting to that point I just can't be bothered anymore. It's getting to be an issue. I'm too fucking tired and why should I ?

I've told him, I've had enough, there is no point in him being here, all he does is eat, shit and sleep here, so what's the point.

I had a cry in kitchen, he had a cry on stairs.

He does play with dd when he is home, the adore each other, but I basically feel like I'm parenting two kids. He has taken dd out.

Sorry if there are typos but I feel like my brain is bleeding out my ears

Well done if you got this far.

Walkacrossthesand Sat 22-Mar-14 08:58:42

Oh dear. Will you be able to use this morning's meltdown as a basis for a full and frank discussion about how things could be different? Just because you're a SAHM doesn't make all domestic duties yours - has he ever lived alone, and had to do his own laundry/cleaning/meal prep etc?

Walkacrossthesand Sat 22-Mar-14 09:01:26

PS personally I can't abide grungy teeth - if my DP was slack about dental hygiene I wouldn't be telling them to brush their teeth - I'm not their mum - but I would be commenting that their breath stank and their teeth looked like they needed a clean, and if I'd noticed, so would everyone else...

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sat 22-Mar-14 09:05:19

See how it goes now but after a month if it is all the same, send him a very direct email similar to your OP. At least then if you split, you will have got it off your chest. Don't underestimate how important that is. This cannot go on long term as your DC will learn his behaviour.

ravenmum Sat 22-Mar-14 09:06:17

So all he contributes is his day job, while you are putting in 24 hours a day? No wonder you are at breaking point.

Practically speaking, chucking him out won't give you any more sleep right now, which is what you need in the situation right now. How about setting up a bed for him in a separate room when it is his night to be sleep deprived? That way the baby is in with her dad and you can put in ear plugs.

I'd be tempted to put the mess he makes in a box for him to clear up later. And let him go out looking a mess until his boss gives him a warning.

Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 09:43:15

He has briefly lived alone before but it would have been a shit hole or his mother would have cleaned it.

He is back now, dd has gone down for a nap, I've got in bed. He will come up later and apologise but at the moment I'm not interested.

His mother activly encourages his lazyness. " oh you can't expect poor ds to do that, he works all the hours god sends"

She thinks I'm lucky. He is a good provider hmm

Handywoman Sat 22-Mar-14 11:01:16

It's not an apology that's required it's a full /frank discussion. Poor you. Will he discuss it like an adult dyou think? Good luck.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 11:13:48

That's good advice ravensmum.

RandomMess Sat 22-Mar-14 11:23:19

What ravensmum said plus more. Tell him he is an adult and parent and he either behaves like one and takes on responsibility or moves out.

He needs to help daily with the chores wihtout be asked or told and you need an unbroken nights sleep every 3 or 4 days - non negotiable.

Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 11:29:59

Tbh this isn't new stuff, I've turned in to bit of a nag and I feel like I'm on his case all the time.

He will wash his plate if I ask him, but I shouldn't have to.

I think he has actually pissed of to football which if he has,will really fuck me off.

His life hasn't changed at all! Ive practically stopped working, which I agreed! But I didn't sign up to be the house skivvy.

I don't feel like me anymore. Just tired and moody. If I wanted to go out with friends, I could but just havnt got the energy.

I thnk I might have to start my iron tablets again, but they make my pooh green sad

What a waste of a Saturday !

Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 11:32:40

random that was supposed to happen but never does.

I've basically told him that, it's his house so god knows what's gonna happen.

I've all ready done this, with my 18 year old. Did it all by myself so I know I don't need to put up with this shit.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 11:33:28

You say you wouldn't want to go out with your friends. What do you need right now?

Sortyourmakeupout Sat 22-Mar-14 11:34:07

His personal hygiene and lazy habits are probably grating more because your tired and I have been there believe me. Sleep deprivation can turn you into someone you don't recognise. It's a form if torture isn't it!

This isn't the time to sling insults about his teeth. Sit him down this evening and ask him how you can both work together to get out of this. Give each other the opportunity to talk about how your are both feeling at this time.

When my husband and I struggled with a baby that didn't like to sleep and work early we sat down one night and I just blurted out that I didn't ever think it would be this hard he agreed and said the baby felt like a stranger to him. It was all work and no play. Slowly we worked it out as we both began to open up. If I had a shit day I would say to him fuck me I don't know how I made it to the end of today and often we laughed about it.

I really hope you get through this. Young children and in particular babies, can be so demanding and a little bit of appreciation from him and picking up after himself would be an enormous help as you have enough on your plate.

RandomMess Sat 22-Mar-14 11:35:09

Well he isn't doing it then is he.

Honestly leave, at least then you will get a proper break when he has your dc for contact.

Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 11:43:00

loggie I think I would like to spend the day by myself. Sleep and eat, spend quality time with dd1 in a cafe or something.

I taught full time before dd2 and it was an abrupt lifestyle change. I love being at home with her but that's not just who I am.
Going back to work is counterproductive because of CC costs.

I feel I'm living with Homer Simpson. He dosnt make effort with appearance or help around house so why should I dredge the energy from some where to shag him once a week.

I don't know if I'm over tired, he does bring me wine and orange match sticks..

Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 11:44:14

at least then you will get a proper break when he has your dc for contact

That was said and it caused upset.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 11:48:23

Can you plan for a few hours doing just that? I did it once at a Travel Lodge kind of place. I just wanted somewhere clean and quiet to sleep and that I didn't need to tidy up afterwards. It was my partner's idea and I think it saved my sanity.

ravenmum Sat 22-Mar-14 13:17:12

My marriage is basically falling apart right now as far as I can tell but it has had some unexpected side effects. My husband has agreed on an arrangement whereby we live in the same house but spend as little time together as possible (a shit arrangement and one I hope to change but better than before!). To organise this I've got him to write down actual times on the calendar when he is going to be there making dinner, doing stuff with the kids etc. He has planned it into his schedule. All these years I spent complaining about him coming home late (9 pm on average) and now it's taken this to stumble across an actual solution that appears to have some effect. And I realise that now, I don't have to be the "awful nag" (as I saw myself) doing all that complaining. The complaining did absolutely zilch anyway. The one thing that gets to me is that I have to organise this for him as if I was his boss, and he is still doing nothing proactive, but for now it is better than being a nag.

Any chance you can make a schedule where he does specific cleaning tasks, large time-consuming ones so that if you do have to clean up after him at least he gets his fair share? Specific ones so that he doesn't just do exactly what you did right in front of him ten minutes before and then say "But I didn't know you'd done it" or "When I do help you always say I get it wrong".

Of course you don't want to shag a lazy slob who doesn't even brush his teeth. Who would? Would he?

RandomMess Sat 22-Mar-14 14:00:17

Read the book wifework!!!

My dh does do his share but now I've read the above book I don't feel guilty for it, I rebuff comments about isn't he wonderful - no he's not, he is just someone that does his fair share of parenting and running a house so that we have fairly equal leisure time and cash to spend as we choose on ourselves.

Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 14:28:15

Hi I've managed a nap.

Dp didn't go football he went food shopping? First time for everything.

I'm going to write a list of things that he has to do. It's not so mch jobs actually, I don't mnd doing house work it's just his mess I really fucking resent. But, while he is off I'm going to do some odd jobs, bits and bobs so he is being proactive rather than treating the house like a hotel.

He will do it, it's just the fact I have to point it out irks me.

Fri/sat nights I'm going to sleep in spare room till he gets used to it being regular.
I need to pencil in time for 'me' time even if it's going gym. - good idea.

Regards to personal hygiene and appearance I'm going to bring that up when dd is in bed. He knows it anyway as I tell him most mornings but I'm going to say it's turning me off him.

Actimaladdict Sat 22-Mar-14 14:28:56

I shall down load 'wifework' smile

RandomMess Sat 22-Mar-14 14:40:24

We both work so the situation is a little different. I ended up giving dh sole responsibility for menu planning, food shopping and cooking (I of course sometimes shop & cook) it did mean relinquishing control, not early as healthy as before I returned to work, and there was a learning curve he had to go through. However it is one chunk of work that I no longer even think about apart from letting him know when I will be eating out with friends or late home!

He also now will notice the overflowing wash basket, chuck a load on, hang it out, bring it in etc. He always helped with the washing but I again relinquished control and let him get on with it. Yes a few clothes have been ruined and he is better an leaving some of my dresses/tops in the basket for me to sort but he gets on and does it as an equal adult running a home. Before now I would only let him do a dark wash because he doesn't look for stains/marks and treat them sad but so far only 1 thing spoilt due that issue tbf in a few years.

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