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(65 Posts)
Kurmaqueen Sat 22-Mar-14 08:05:35

So today is my birthday and I'm in bed nursing a hangover alone.

I suppose I saw this coming but when it actually happened it shocked me to the core and I am truly heartbroken.

My boyfriend hadn't mentioned my birthday all week which made me a little nervous. Nervous because it's his weekend with his kids and therefore not "my weekend". However in my simple little mind I thought that he just might have got something planned so that we could spend maybe lunch together.

It's my second birthday with him and last year was spent on my own too because it wasn't "my" weekend.

We have been together for 18 months now. He stays regularly at my house with my children.
We all do things together and my kids love having him here and they get on great with him and vice versa.

Problem is that I am still yet to even meet his children. Long back story .......

He didn't even tell me that I wouldn't be seeing him today. He just left my presents by the back door and texted me to say sorry!!!!

He said he was scared to tell me - I've been inundated with texts from friends yesterday asking me what I'm doing with my boyfriend for my birthday and can't face answering any of them.

I feel so stupid and heartbroken. Am I just being silly and childish????

It's the fact that he didn't tell me in advance but left it. Too late to arrange anything else to pass the day. I was so upset yesterday that I told him I'm done. I don't want to see him again. Maybe I overreacted and maybe you can all tell me what a selfish silly woman I am.......

But it's not just this birthday incident in isolation that has led me to feel so alone. It's not yet meeting his's spending holidays without him......basically disappearing each time he is with them and he has them to stay at his house 50% of the month and half school holidays so that is quite a bit of disappearing!!!

singleandfabulous Sat 22-Mar-14 08:15:24

Firstly, Happy Birthday Kurma! Have some cake and wine

Im so sorry to hear youve been let down again by this man but he is clearly telling you that you are not and never will be his priority.

The shitty way he left your presents by the back door says it all. At least he acknowleges the fact that it was a shitty thing to do.

Has he introduced you to his friends, parents or wider family yet or do you live seperate lives still?

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 08:16:10

Happy birthday!

Get the hangover sorted and go out somewhere you like.

I once had a great day at Kew Gardens on my own (fight with bf and needed to get out) and it really cheered me up.

Go out and do something for yourself that you enjoy.

He is truly well rid.

(left presents by the back door - WTAF?)

Only1scoop Sat 22-Mar-14 08:17:29

Happy birthday thanks

tribpot Sat 22-Mar-14 08:19:46

Well - happy birthday! It's a lovely day and there's plenty of time for you to make some plans of your own. Go to a gallery, go to the cinema, see who's available for lunch.

Taking the birthday incident first of all, why didn't you simply ask him whether he would be able to see you today? Rather than play some kind of guessing game that ended with him a truly spineless, childish act of leaving the presents and running away. "Too scared to tell you" - what the fuck!

Not having met his kids and clearly not factoring into his decision-making at all where they're concerned sounds like he doesn't think your relationship is very serious. I guess the fact that you're still calling him boyfriend after 18 months may tally with that? I think if you want something fairly casual that fits entirely around the needs of each of your children, fine. If you want something more significant, this is not the guy for you.

I don't understand why you've been inundated with texts from friends yesterday asking me what I'm doing with my boyfriend for my birthday - arguably these are friends trying to find out if you're available to spend your birthday with them? I wouldn't be embarrassed to reply "no, it's his weekend with his kids so we'll be celebrating my birthday next weekend".

I wouldn't be able to forgive the presents-at-the-back-door thing, btw. The best thing you can do is plan the most awesome day you can at short notice and not think about him at all. Mumsnet can help you plan a great day if you want to say roughly where you are.

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 08:24:08

Yes, plan something with friends, even if last minute.

Last year I was having a very low key birthday, and ended up having a restaurant dinner with my siblings and their kids.

It's also your first day of freedom from this twat. Enjoy it and flirt endlessly.

Oh, you should have dumped him by post it by his back door.

Kurmaqueen Sat 22-Mar-14 08:31:07

Thank you for your quick replies......yes I've met pretty much all his family and friends.
Funny I did used to call him my partner but over the last 3 months or so I have begun to feel less and less like he is my partner so hence the term boyfriend.
We have known each other for over 20 years and he pretty much went from one of my best friends to boyfriend/lover/partner whatever 18 months ago.

I am completely and madly in love with him. He makes me laugh, he is kind, caring, loving but the situation with his STB Ex has now been eating away for nearly 2 years and it's my disappearing act that has finally done me in. It makes me feel so alone....

He tells me all the time how much he loves me, wants me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but until his divorce is done then I have to stay out of his children's life's (his ex insists on this and she has told me that actually she never wants me to see them)

Kurmaqueen Sat 22-Mar-14 09:11:46

Oh I feel so sad and can't stop the tears ..... Banging headache too lol :-(

Fighting the urge to pack up all his stuff and his birthday presents and drive over to his house and dump them at his back door !!!!!!

Don't know how to tell my kids that he won't be coming back. I'm not strong enough and detached enough to do that. They will be so upset for me and I know that they will miss him so much too.

I can smell his aftershave on my pillow and just want to cuddle with him.

One minute I want a cuddle and the next I want to just get in my car and dump everything of his, everything he has ever bought me right at his feet!!!!!!!!

louby44 Sat 22-Mar-14 09:13:07

Happy Birthday for today!

He needs to grow a pair and tell his exW to stop controlling his life! She is still pulling his strings and telling him who he and his children can see!

You need to have a frank discussion with this man. He is a coward, why couldn't he have at least sat and had a coffee with you whilst you opened your presents.

tribpot Sat 22-Mar-14 09:23:16

he is kind, caring, loving

No. He really isn't.

His ex-wife will be able to play these games of control once the divorce is done, too. If she exerts this much power, that he can leave your presents and run away, he's made his choice.

Stop making today about him. Forget dumping the presents back on his doorstep - why stoop to his level? His ex-wife doesn't run your life.

Get yourself out - haven't you got your kids with you today?

mymiraclebubba Sat 22-Mar-14 09:30:27

Erm if you have known him 20 years how is it you haven't met his kids?? Seems very odd!

If you know his weekends with his kids are just that then you were setting yourself up for disappointment from the start by expecting anything different. Especially if you never mentioned this as a possibility to him in the run up. So from that point suck it up, put ya make up on, get dressed and go do something fun with your kids/friends.

With regards to not having met his kids have you spoken to him? Asked him why? It could well be sosomething to do with his ex, or an agreement that he has with himself not to introduce them for a given time, or he has asked them if they want to meet you and they have said no and he doesn't want to upset you.

You need to talk to him calmly if you want this relationship to continue

LavenderGreen14 Sat 22-Mar-14 09:43:26

why won't the kids meet you. Did he leave his wife for you? Seems v odd that everything is so separate after such a long time.

Kurmaqueen Sat 22-Mar-14 09:46:34

My two youngest are with their dad and my eldest away with friends so I'm on my own.

I have met his children before many times when he was still with his wife. We have known each other a long time.

I just haven't been allowed to meet them since we got together. They know I am his girlfriend and that we are or should I say were together!!!!

It's his Ex that won't allow me to meet them and spend any time with them. She has told me that herself. She blames me for their split which happened 6 months before we got together.

She is trying to screw him financially in the divorce and my boyfriend has been trying to avoid going to court as it is so expensive. If she knew that I had met them in the capacity of GF then she would definately take him to court over money and access !!!

tribpot Sat 22-Mar-14 09:49:02

None of which excuses his cowardly performance this morning.

Now, up and at 'em. What are you going to do today to make it a fun day for you? I would phone a couple of friends and see what they're up to.

Millyblods Sat 22-Mar-14 10:00:03

Although not fair on you I can understand her not wanting them to have contact with you if she believes that her soon to be ex husband and you were having an affair before they split up. I'm guessing that you were both in contact before he split with her. But she will hopefully get over it eventually. At least I guess it shows that he is a good dad. You have told him it's over so just leave it and see what he does next. If he really wants you then he will be doing everything he can to make amends. It's your day today. Birthdays are about you. Go out and buy yourself something really nice and pamper yourself. Bet he will be begging you to take him back, if you want to that is.


newlifeforme Sat 22-Mar-14 10:09:08

Why did his marriage break up? I suspect he avoids conflict and has very poor communication skills and no doubt his ex wife has felt like this over the years.

I know its painful to breakup but I really think you are saving yourself from many more years of heartache.This is the person he is, no doubt he's charming etc but he will always put you lower on his priority if it doesn't suit his agenda and he will not be open about what he's doing.I know this because I am married someone similar and now trying to leave.I had warnings early on but ignored my instinct, it doesn't get better as this is his learned behaviour.If you ask him to prioritise you he will build resentment against you.

Do value yourself, its not acceptable to you, you don't need to justify your feelings.Come on here when you need the strength to continue.

Kurmaqueen Sat 22-Mar-14 10:18:27

Yes he is a brilliant dad and loves to spend time with his children - as much time as he is "given" by his Ex.

He is great with my guys too ........ Don't quite know what to say to them when they get back. They will want to know what he bought me for my birthday and I can't say nothing as they know that won't be the case. I can't say his gifts are unopened in the garage. They will want to know where he is when he doesn't turn up as usual tomorrow night after dropping his children back.

And yes you are right he hates confrontation and anger and he admits that since he left his wife he has very much been sticking his head in the sand and not dealing with the divorce. He is a very successful businessman and in terms of profession is very strong.

When it comes to his STB Ex then he is by his own admission WEAK......she wore the trousers in their marriage until one day he just had enough and left. Trouble is she still is in control and he is still allowing her to be!!

Off for a shower now and have a think about what to do today and with the rest of my life!!!!

Millyblods Sat 22-Mar-14 10:29:39

We're you seeing him before they split up OP? Is there any chance that his need to do everything she says is because he still has feelings for her? He seems to spend a lot of time at your house but just wondered why after all this time that he hasn't made any commitments to you.

mymiraclebubba Sat 22-Mar-14 10:34:14

Kurma - to put a different slant on it... My dp is also weak where his ex is concerned and like your bf his ex wore the trousers on everything from which supermarket they shopped in through to whether he was allowed to see his friends (she has admitted this tome hherself so not just ex battering) she also refuses to say no to or discipline their kids. This has resulted in 2 highly obnoxious, bad mannered and demanding kids in my house eow. Dp got told he either stepped up ot shipped out. I have supported him and nudged him a lotover the kids bbehaviour and manners but he has learnt to stand up to his ex all by himself. He too pussy footed around due to the divorce until the mediator stepped in and told his ex how unreasonable she was and pointed out that he didn't owe her a lifestyle when itcame to ffinances etc and that her demands for access were out of order. She whinged that she did the lions share and when 50/50 or eow was offered she refused it cos she would get less money.

If you love this guy and you want it to work then stop being a doormat and start telling him how it will be going forward and that he needs to stand up to his ex. She cannot control who they see when they are with him and after 18 months she is just being a bitch. If shestops access then mediators and courts will see heras the vivindictive bitch she is being so whilst she may threaten it her solicitor will tell her not to be such a twat (had same with dp ex)

Give him a chance to man up

aylesburyduck Sat 22-Mar-14 10:43:48

Happy birthday Kurmaqueen

Your (ex?) bf sounds totally overwhelmed by everything and his behaviour towards you has been at best indifferent.

Plan a day doing whatever you would like to do. Put yourself first and I hope you enjoy your birthday.

un mumsnetty hug for you

Kurmaqueen Sat 22-Mar-14 11:02:30

Yes he spends pretty much all the time that he is not with his children here with me and my guys.

And yes again he is totally overwhelmed by the situation and not coping well......

I feel like a complete bitch about ending things by text yesterday - I was just so totally shocked and heartbroken about the presents on the door and realisation that I wouldn't be seeing him on my birthday.

I know he relishes the time with his children and I have absolutely no concerns or issues with the time he spends with them - I wouldn't love him like I do if he didn't want to spend time with them!!!

However I do feel so so gutted that for the second year running he has not put me first just once - you only get one birthday after all .......

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 11:09:29

For me the problem here is not so much that he didn't spend your birthday with you, but that he wouldn't talk to you about it. Although you could have asked him what was going to happen in that weekend.
Did you give him a hard time last year? Why was he so afraid of saying he wouldn't be available?
He seems to know it was important for you, so he could have made plans to celebrate it at another time.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 11:21:48

Did you actually tell him, "I was really disappointed we didn't do anything special for my birthday last year. It's my birthday in two weeks' time, when do you think we could plan to celebrate it? It would mean a lot to me"?

redundantandbitter Sat 22-Mar-14 11:32:35

Happy birthday chick!!!

Put something lovely on and get out side!

I saw the following question written on a flip chart on a course I attended last sept "have you got a supportive partner?".OP What's your answer? My thought when I read it was 'oh no, I don't think
I have , it's complicated'. Which of course is the wrong answer.

Your partner/BFs wife is acting very much like my EXP's e wife. Controlling access, not allowing kids to meet you. And he is responded JUST like my ex.

BUT I was the ow and your posts feel familiar- his ex thinks there was an 'overlap ' and now has all the power over decisions in both your lives. She's controlling your relationship. The only person can can change the dynamic is your bf. but if he chooses not to then you can either a)continue or b) step out of the drama.

What would happen if you had an emergency? Had to be admitted to hospital on 'one of his weekends?' Have you discussed the possibility?

Do you know in advance which weekends he's with his kids? WAs it not possible to look ahead in the calendar and say 'oh, what's happening with my birthday? - can we do something or are we shuffling the occasion so we do something special either side?' I would def have brought it up so I knew what I wS doing and not 'hoping ' that he would pull
Something out of the bag at the last minute.

He KNOWS that birthdays are about presents and feeling special cause he's left gifts at your door and apologised. But you're just too far down his list to makes waves over. And you may stay half way down the list - what you do next depends on how you feel about that . So sorry to go on, I have been there. When's his birthday? - gift wrap him a backbone.

Kurmaqueen Sat 22-Mar-14 12:04:12

I know it's stupid of me but I didn't push my birthday as I wanted and needed him to arrange something for me himself without me forcing the issue - what's the point of forcing it ??? It has to come from him not me.

I have long standing issues about my birthday which are complex and private but he knows about them and knows that I find my birthday very emotional due to my past.

I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. The problems that we have are only caused by his lack of balls when it comes to his ex......

He knows how I feel about this situation. She drags the finances on and on as he is paying her far too much and she knows the longer she drags it on all the better for her. It keeps her happy financially and keeps her happy knowing that it keeps me away from him and away from their children.

But the longer this goes on the more problems it causes and my birthday may seem petty to some but to me it has been the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.......

I don't really no how I go back from this or forward ??????

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