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I love my boyfriend, but I like someone else

(25 Posts)
ella111 Sat 22-Mar-14 00:42:35

I'm 20 and I've been with my loving boyfriend for almost 3 years. We have a great relationship. We had a bad period a few months ago in which we broke up for around a month, but soon got back together.

During that split, I had a one night stand with a friend. At the time, we both agreed that it was a one-off. However, ever since then, I've been thinking a lot about him, despite being with my boyfriend who I genuinely do love.

I don't know what to do- I think about this friend all the time. I don't necessarily see a future with him in the same way I do with my boyfriend, but nevertheless the attraction is still there for me, despite only sleeping together once.

Any advice would be so gratefully received- I don't want to hurt my boyfriend, but I keep imagining cheating on him with this other guy.

Thank you.

NurseyWursey Sat 22-Mar-14 00:46:38

I'm not really sure what you'd like people to say.. there's nothing we can say except either get over this 'friend' or let your boyfriend go. If you really love your boyfriend then you wouldn't let this get in the way

TheAwfulDaughter Sat 22-Mar-14 00:51:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ella111 Sat 22-Mar-14 01:04:15

Ok, I'm sensing quite a harsh reaction here. This is a genuine problem for me, though it may seem silly or unimportant to you. I was just looking for a second opinion, as I've been worrying about this for a while and I don't feel like I can go to anyone with it. I don't think it's fair to say 'a mere three years in'- plenty of relationships last much less than that. But thanks anyway

NurseyWursey Sat 22-Mar-14 01:06:22

OP like I said what would you like people to say? What would the 2nd opinion be?

The fact is you're in the wrong, if you keep thinking about sleeping with another man. How would you feel if your boyfriend was thinking about sleeping with another woman?

You say you love your BF so it should be obvious, get over this other man.

If not, let your boyfriend go.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 22-Mar-14 01:11:01

You clearly aren't ready to settle down. 20 is very young to be in a long term monogamous relationship - out of interest how old is your boyfriend?

Thistledew Sat 22-Mar-14 01:13:22

Being in a relationship is no guard against finding other people attractive. What you have to do is sort your own head out and decide what you want. If you want to commit to your current partner then you need to put the other man out of your mind and be strict with yourself about not thinking and fantasising about him. If you can't or don't want to do that, then you need to separate from your partner.

McFox Sat 22-Mar-14 01:15:44

OP I don't think that the replies are harsh, they are realistic.

If you are having feelings for other people the only options are to leave your bf, or get over it. It's not fair to your bf to stay with him when you feel this way, and at 20, who could blame you for wanting to experience other relationships?

TheAwfulDaughter Sat 22-Mar-14 02:08:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

badbaldingballerina123 Sat 22-Mar-14 02:11:42

It's not quite clear what you want advice on .

You'll always find other people attractive , it's just one of those things. In your case the one night stand you had probably made you feel very desired , is this something your missing with your partner ?

There's lots of reasons to stay with someone , but not wanting to hurt them isn't valid. One of the things you'll have to learn to do in life is know when to walk away. You can't stay with someone simply for fear of hurting them.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Mar-14 06:49:17

This is the time in your life you're supposed to have a few different boyfriends - preferably sequentially rather than all at the same time - because that's how you get experience in managing relationships and understanding yourself in the process. There isn't just one guy in the world or even two. If you don't want to hurt your boyfriend but you want to be free to see other people then the two just aren't going to go together. You have to choose... As others have said, this is a learning opportunity.

LordPalmerston Sat 22-Mar-14 06:54:29

you are twenty fgs

life doesnt need to be hard

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 06:57:31

If you really want to stay with your boyfriend and see a future with him, then you must let go of this friend. And I mean stop seeing him and talking to him. You could explain to him that you got feelings and need to let go.
Or you let go of your boyfriend and sort out your feelings for this friend.
If you love your boyfriend but the lust isn't there, you may end up more like friends.

What was the bad period that ended up in a break? And how and why did you get back together?
Do you have unresolved feelings and are actually detaching from your boyfriend?
It may be that something is missing there that you are reluctant to address or recognise.

Lweji Sat 22-Mar-14 06:58:29

Lord, at 20, just out of the teenage years, life can be very very hard. All those raw emotions.

Bonsoir Sat 22-Mar-14 07:02:11

OP - you are 20 and far too young to settle down with someone you met when you were 17.

Only1scoop Sat 22-Mar-14 07:03:48

20 in a relationship for three years....sounds like me. I saw the light got out and started enjoying myself grin

Bonsoir Sat 22-Mar-14 07:05:58

Yes - enjoying yourself is the key. Don't hide from the world in a committed relationship.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 07:14:00

You say you want a second opinion which implies you've made a decision. What is your decision?

Purplehonesty Sat 22-Mar-14 07:26:06

OP I was in your shoes a good few years ago. I was also 20.
I was engaged and planning my wedding and I was happy.
Then one day I met a man at work. He bowled me over and I couldn't stop thinking about him. We talked at work - all innocent stuff and he made me laugh, he was so funny.
I ended it with my fiancé a few days later. I wasn't sure if anything was going to happen with this man but I knew that if I had such strong feelings for someone else I couldn't get married. It wouldn't have been right and to me - it was an indication that my relationship wouldn't have survived time.
A few months later I got together with said man. I didn't know where it would go and I wasn't sure he would be the one but my feelings got stronger the more I got to know him.
We have been married ten years and have two children and we still laugh everyday!
So go with your heart, if you are thinking about this other guy so much it tells me you aren't committed to your bf.

TyrannosaurusBex Sat 22-Mar-14 07:29:53

I think it would be very hard for you and your boyfriend to be together forever if you are feeling this way now. As you know, long term relationships encounter difficulties - you've just experienced one. I think that the feelings you describe will surface at those times if you simply bury them now in an attempt to keep your relationship alive.

You've had barely any time in your adult life to be by yourself - I think you need that space, to decide what 'you' in the singular want, rather than 'you' in the plural.

Good luck, OP - I know it's painful.

ALittleStranger Sat 22-Mar-14 09:20:38

You are far too young to be settling down. I highly doubt you see a "future" with your boyfriend; if you did you wouldn't be splitting up and sleeping with other guys. Split up, gain some experience, get to know yourself, settle down when you're ready and with the right person. Life partners aren't selected first past the post, thank god.

MuttonCadet Sat 22-Mar-14 10:07:27

At 20, 3 years feels like a lifetime, but if you're thinking of another guy already it won't last with bf.
get rid and enjoy yourself, I married my first serious boyfriend - it didn't last and I wish I'd given myself more time to enjoy myself when I was young.

Dahlen Sat 22-Mar-14 10:20:14

No matter how in love you are with someone, there is always someone else you may find attractive. Maturity, decency and love can work together to stop you acting on that because you realise what you have isn't worth risking.

I know a few couples who got together in their teens and are still blissfully happy decades later. Sometimes people are lucky and meet someone highly compatible very young who they then build a life with and grow closer with over time. This usually takes both partners to have the sort of temperament where they see themselves as a unit, rather than two individuals together.

IMO the more individualistic you are, the less likely a relationship formed when young is likely to last, because what you want will change as your grow.

I don't know which camp you fall in, but I'm pretty sure that the attraction towards this other man is really your subconscious making you question whether this is all you want to know in your life or whether you want to try out new experiences, new people and new relationships.

If you were my DD, bearing in mind that you and your BF obviously hit the rocks enough to split up last year, I'd be encouraging you to break things off I'll admit.

HandsOffMyGazBaz Sat 22-Mar-14 10:26:54

Imet my dp when I was 17 and we are still as happy as ever 15 years later. ive met some wonderful people through the years but if I ever felt more than friendship towards them or used my energy and time thinking about them in a romantic fasion, I would question my relationship and I know DP would be the same

MadBusLady Sat 22-Mar-14 12:14:34

You're not doing anything wrong FGS , you fancy someone else, you haven't acted on it, you are asking for what to do about it. Don't know why some people are reacting as if you're having an affair.

At your age though if you've got a wandering eye I really wouldn't settle down if I were you.

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