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Help with teenage daughter and problems with her on/off boyfriend

(17 Posts)
catloony Sat 22-Mar-14 00:37:10

My daughter started seeing someone in August. She is nearly 16 and he has just turned 17. Over this time there has been incidents that have happened to him that are never his fault, she believes his version of events 100% and can never be told any another version may even be possible.
Examples are:
Being thrown out of his mothers house to be made homeless amd having to sleep on the streets with no reason other than his mother is horrible and hit him.

Tried to live with his grandmother but could only stay there if he paid her £50 per week despite having no job and only be 16 at the time.

I tried to tell my daughter there is always two sides to the story, but kept an open mind at this time because there can be situtions like this.

He then sofa surfed but kept getting thrown out for reasons that were never his fault, again the poeple could of just got fed up.

By this time I was not overly impressed by her choice of boyfriend but he was having a bit of a bad time, he was sleeping on the streets again, he kept asking her to ask me to sleep at our house, this was in November time. I have said no he is not under any circumstances staying, and never will.

He was very obsessive about her, standing outside the house, not letting her see other friends, she said she would rather be with him and never see her friends again.

Social services were involved with after this and he got a place in complex but was then evicted soon after for not adhered to the rules and having someone in to stay over night, again he told my daughter this was not his fault, it was the staff picking on him and got him threw out. my daughter beieved that.

He then was back to sleeping on the streets, he then became depressed about the situation and took an overdose of paracetamol, my daughter and other people called the paramedics and he was admitted to hospital, whilst on the childrens ward at local hospital various other incidents happened and he was transferred to a mental facility where he was to remain. This was a couple of weeks ago.

My daughter started to see her friends again, having fun, although she would have to pretend she wasnt going to go out.

Then last week he dumped her, said he had a new girlfriend in the place he was, met her there, my daughter spoke to his friend who confirmed this.

Then today apparently she is back with him as he rang her, he wasnt with anyone, he told her has wasnt and she believes him.

Well after that epic post I have attempted to tell my daughter that he is probably lying about that and multiple other things I havn't even included in this, there is so many other things.

She didn't react well, he can do no wrong, every version of anything he says is the truth.

Even when in the hospital and I was there and they said why he was evicted from the complex, "they" were lying, - he had a girl stay over night when thats not allowed, I was told this by CAMHS in front of her and him, but he then later still convinced her.

So if anyone has got through this mamoth post, I thank you, it was more for me getting it all out, cos she wont listen to me, and shes getting back with him.

innisglas Sat 22-Mar-14 02:21:04

Oh how horrible for you. I'm afraid I can't give much good advice as my daughter also got involved with someone unsuitable and their relationship lasted for three years. Hers was a totally controlling type and I could picture her married to him and being kept under lock and key, honest. I didn't dare take too strong a stand because I dreaded her moving in with him.

Maybe you could have a talk to her in general terms about the principle of accepting responsability for one's actions. Her boyfriend is an extreme case, but too many people go through life without ever accepting responsability for their actions.

ColourMe Sat 22-Mar-14 03:14:08

So sorry this is happening to you.

Firstly, I think you will need to stop being negative about him or you will alienate her further from you. It'll be him and her united against the world, and you. You're not getting through to her on this level, so say nothing about him that is negative however hard that is.

Having a slightly older DD myself, I'd say that her friends have far more chance of getting the point across than you. Could you have a quiet word with them?

With regards to DD, just be there for her. Keep life ticking along; try not to react to the dramas, which probably seem quite exciting to her at the moment.

Good luck - hang on in there.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Mar-14 06:23:31

I agree with the PP. The more you and others attack him, the more she'll be rushing to defend him. My guess is that she knows he's a jerk but that she's flattered by what she thinks is 'love' and she's probably suffering from low self-esteem.

What I think you should actually do is bring this boy closer. Invite him to spend time with the family, talk to him one-on-one, let him know (indirectly) that you're watching, that you have DD's back and, at the same time, take some of the mystery out of him for her. If his track record is anything to go by he'll show himself up pretty quickly

The other side to this is to go all out to boost your DD's self-esteem. Encourage her to pursue interests that mean she makes new friends and meets new people. Do what you can to build her confidence... tell her how great she is and how you respect and admire her rather than (what she's currently hearing) that she's a silly little girl with a crap taste in boys. Find something, perhaps, that means she has to spend time elsewhere... college, travel, visiting relatives etc.

Finally, please have long and detailed chats about safe sex with your DD because the last thing you need is her having children with this arsehole.

mymiraclebubba Sat 22-Mar-14 06:33:13

I struggle to believe cahms would discuss anything with you regarding this boy as you are not a relative and are not entitled to any information!! So where exactly are you getting all this info and insight into him??

As others have said, the more you attack him the more you will drive her away.

catloony Sat 22-Mar-14 09:31:02

Mymiracadlebubble the reason cahms and the nursing staff spoke to me regarding him is that they are both know to each service before so when they were onthe ward assessing him they already me from having involvment with my daughter. He was also acting very irratically, he climbed on top of the hospital twice roof twice from the play veranda threaten to throw himself off, my daughter was there when he did this, called me in a panic and so became involved at the hospital this way. I was at the hospital for several hours whilst they sorted out the transfer and he was doing what I told in regards to behaving a little more respectfully in a childrens ward, his language was afwul and there was a 7 year old girl in his ward. His own family refused to come to the hospiltal.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 22-Mar-14 09:37:51

Aw, she wants to cure him.

I'd tell her that of course she is free to go out with whoever she wants. And that if that includes someone who is unstable and a potential threat then that's absolutely fine.
Plus someone who is bringing back unknown women to sleep with him then great, if she gets a STD that means she can't have kids - who needs kids anyway?
And who has had to spend time in a mental facility, then brill, she gets first hand experience of people with a different way of looking at the world.
Plus attempting suicide - fab, it gives her lots of experience in living in an emotional rollercoaster, will look great on her CV.
Plus stalking, nice at least you will know that if she is found dead in a ditch you will know who to point the finger at.

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 09:47:11

How is that helpful Ribena??

I was going to suggest the same as Cog, keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.

mymiraclebubba Sat 22-Mar-14 10:01:05

But they should not be discussing his situation with you regardless of your daughter's involvement with them unless you have agreed to act in loco parentis? It's illegal and a massive breach of confidence and they would lose their jobs!

But cogs is right to a point, keeping him close at least means you can monitor his behaviour

catloony Sat 22-Mar-14 10:11:38

I have actually tried both of the differing views on here.

Cog - tried that already, he can behave in a perfect manner to get what ever he wants, including waiting for my daughter to be out of eyesight before expressing a view, only I saw what he did, I told him to leave the house, told me daughter why, he denied that he did what he did to me, she chooses to beleive him and I'm a liar. I was there, I saw him flip me the finger and smirk at me, his change in behaviour was like a switch flicking.

Similarly at the hospital, his behaviour was awful when I wasnt there, when I was he was perfectly behaving, the staff knew what he was doing, they said they needed the pyschiatrist to see his behaviour with me there and then again after me and my daughter had left.

And I have tried telling my daughter the hard truth which is what I think Ribenas post is all about, it works for a while but she changes her mind back again after he tells her what she needs to hear to get her back on his side.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Mar-14 10:12:00

At 17 he would be likely classed as an adult so no family involvement. Seems like his family washed their hands of him long before your DD was unfortunate enough to meet him.

I would agree with the comments made re your DDs self esteem and self worth; if it was shaky to start with she would have been targeted by such an individual. Although Ribena's comments are unhelpful she is right in one respect; your DD wants to rescue and or save this man from his own self. Their's is a Svengali/muse relationship. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer; Cog's ideas are good one.

She as a teen needs you more than ever now because has no real life experience behind her.

How did these two meet anyway?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Mar-14 10:15:33

There are none so blind as those who refuse to see.

You do not mention her Dad; if he is at all present in her life what does he make of all this?.

NigellasDealer Sat 22-Mar-14 10:15:48

maybe some of his story is true, eg being thrown out by his mother, the granny thing, some people have horrible families.
try to minimise your negative comments about him to her and just hang in there i suppose.

catloony Sat 22-Mar-14 10:16:46

he gave permission for them to speak to me, I was the only adult that bothered to go to the hospital, his nan lives a five minute walk away from the hospital, she was contacted and refused to go.

mymiraclebubba Sat 22-Mar-14 10:42:51

He sounds a very troubled young man who craves devotion from anyone and is getting that from your daughter.

If as you say none of his family bother then I can understand why he sees you as such a threat.

Can you raise your concern with a police child protection officer or someone like women's aid and see if they can get your daughter to see how wrong his behaviour is? I am not sure how the law works innit but can you report his abuse of her to the cops and press charges, get an injunction or something to keep him away?

cory Sat 22-Mar-14 11:54:15

I'd say the same as Nigella and Cogito. Basically, keep the moral high ground: don't try to make any judgments about the past. Just concentrate on building your dd's self esteem and eventually, when she feels able to trust you, try to get through to her that however awful somebody's situation they have no right to control another person and prevent them from seeing their friends.

Don't try Ribena's approach: "if he's got MH issues he's not much of a catch"- if she is a half decent person she will see that this attitude puts you in the wrong. She should know at her age that plenty of lovely people have MH issues. Or come from chaotic backgrounds. The problem here is that he is not a lovely person.

You don't want to muddy those waters. In order to be able to see him for what she is, she must be able to retain her faith in you as somebody whose morals and judgment are beyond reproach.

Fairylea Sat 22-Mar-14 13:29:11

I think he sounds like a very troubled teen- but essentially a very sad one. Maybe if you can move forward perhaps you can extend an olive branch and try to show him how a normal family behaves? Because he doesn't seem to have had that. Most teenage romances do fizzle out on their own especially at that age so I'd just hope that it does and keep quiet.

I also agree with Nigella - some families really are horribly toxic and he may not be deserving of their treatment. My husbands family for example threw him out on the streets age 16 for accidentally breaking a tap. His older brother threatened to beat him up if he returned to the house. No one spoke to him for 6 months. He had no money and had to sleep on a park bench until social services stepped in.

He is the most loving, kind and amazing man you could ever want to meet. I'm not saying your dds boyfriend is i'm just saying some families truly are awful.

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