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need reassuring or a kick up the....

(21 Posts)
formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 21:45:05

Will try not to drip feed but a long story. Have a 4 month old dd and live with her father. Together for 3 years. Found out after 6 months that he was still living with and in a relationship with a woman. He did not confess, I found out. He left her, moved out and eventually into my house. Since then, we have been on and off due to his other affairs, (one with her, one with someone else, again, no confessions, found out) I'm writing this thinking why on earth am I even with him. I'm fairly intelligent, friendly, kind, just kept believing his lies that things would change I suppose. Classic cliché I know.
Fast forward to present day. He has lost his job (the third since I met him), decent, well paid positions, all the companies fault, every time, according to him.
I'll get to the point now. I saw the letter that the company gave him about why they let him go. Poor time management. He has lied about this, gave me a different reason.
I want him to leave, he refuses. It's my house, privately rented from my parents. Our daughter is so young, I do feel guilty for wanting him to leave but every day is so unhappy. Arguing in front of her and I don't want that for her.
He hardly does anything around the house and when he does he brings it up as if Its a major thing. It's like living with a manchild. He is defensive, inconsiderate, there are so many things but if anyone needs to know more I'll share just don't want to overload.
He tells me he loves me and he'll change but it stays the same. I have told him all of the above but nothing changes. Just more empty promises. I'm at rock bottom. Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

headlesslambrini Fri 21-Mar-14 21:47:00

You need legal advice asap. If you rent from yr parents can they have him removed?

Cotherstone Fri 21-Mar-14 21:47:42

You don't need a kick up the arse or reassuring. You need to leave him.

Yes, he is the father of your child - but what else do you get from this relationship?

RandomMess Fri 21-Mar-14 21:49:46

When he is out change the locks!

formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 21:57:32

I could just change the locks, I suppose I'm scared to do so and I don't know why
I don't want to involve my parents, they are gentle, kind elderly people and quite simply, I'm embarrassed. I shouldn't have taken him back any of the times we split up and they know that and so do I. I certainly shouldn't have had a child with him

formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 21:59:19

He is always storming off, muttering to himself and tells me that I think I'm never wrong

formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 22:00:15

I don't get anything from this relationship except stress.

Cotherstone Fri 21-Mar-14 22:01:56


I'm sorry you are in this position.

What do you think would happen if you told him, calmly and seriously, that it is over and he needs to leave? Could you stay with your parents for a few days to give him time to move out?

formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 22:05:34

Thanks for that. I feel like I am going mad. Always being told I am unreasonable. I feel I have been more than reasonable actually
I have told him that. Several times. He refuses to go. And now he is jobless. If I leave the house he will be here when I come back. I think the previous poster was right, I need legal advice as this living situation is unusual

formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 22:09:06

He was so unsupportive when I was pregnant and since lo was born. He says all the right things then doesn't do anything. He also says really cruel things when we argue. I have tried not to react, tried reacting and responding, nothing works.

Cotherstone Fri 21-Mar-14 22:11:01

What do you think he would do if you change the locks? Would you be worried, or do you think he would go to someone else's house?

I would be thinking about legal advice. I assume its just your name on the tenancy? Or your parents name? In which case he doesn't have any rights to be in this house, so you or your parents will have the right to get rid of him.

formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 22:40:13

I think I would just be worried he would turn up all the time. I know that for his sake and hers, he should have access to our daughter, I just didn't think it would come to this. He has no friends in the area to stay with. In fact he only has one "friend " - they are not that close- and he lives 200 miles away. I don't know what he'd do or where he would go. It sounds as though I am talking about a child and I am not sure how to express this but to the outside world he is a capable, intelligent man.
In the home he is defensive, lazy, angry, negative and mean to me

formidablescent Fri 21-Mar-14 22:42:41

He is not on the tenancy. I don't know if this means that the police would get involved if he won't go/keeps turning up. I know he would do this as when we have split up previously, that's what he does. I have had enough this time
I can't cope.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 21-Mar-14 23:50:38

By the sound of it, the police can and will get involved. If he is not on the tenancy, he has no right to be there when you have told him to leave and if he won't go, he can be forcibly removed. Any belongings of his in the house need to be returned to him, t hough if he has no storage space that is his problem and not yours.
He can see your daughter (if he bothers: selfish lazy men often just fade out of their children's lives, particularly if they are blocked from any chance of harassing or annoying the children's mother) outside your home. Finding somewhere to take her is, again, his responsibility.

If you put him out and he keeps turning up, you can keep calling the police, who will keep coming to remove him. You can get a court order forbidding him to come near you, if necessary.

ColourMe Sat 22-Mar-14 03:30:27

Go and see a solicitor on Monday - everything will be so much clearer then. This is very sortable. Do you have some RL support apart from your parents?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Mar-14 06:30:59

Please start thinking about yourself and stop worrying what would happen to him. He's responsible for himself and, if he starts making your life difficult post-split, cross that bridge when you come to it.

Living with someone that treats you with contempt and who you can't trust is incredibly depressing. You sound depressed. Tell him to leave, change the locks behind him, go talk to your GP about your low moods and lack of confidence.... then give yourself a few weeks and you'll wonder why you waited so long. Courage!

formidablescent Sat 22-Mar-14 07:46:59

Thank you all. Yes I do have rl support, just haven't wanted to let everyone know what was happening. Again, too embarrassed. I will find it easier once he's gone, I'm sure.
Thanks cog, I was hoping you would comment as your advice always seems wise on other threads!
I am feeling a bit depressed over this, I love my daughter and am really enjoying being a mum, I just feel ridiculous that I have got myself in this situation and I feel somewhat responsible for him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Mar-14 07:52:52

What the other respondents have written re getting rid of this man from your house. You can and should get him out of your home and your day to day lives. You state yourself anyway you get nothing from this relationship except stress.

This was never a healthy relationship to begin with.
I would suggest that you read up on co-dependency and read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie as you still seem to feel some degree of responsibility for him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Mar-14 07:53:49

It's not 'ridiculous' to be taken in by a liar or to feel responsible for the people in your family. However, your STBX has choices in how he behaves and what he does with his life. Your DD has no choices in how she grows up except the ones you provide.

Get yourself some help and support - medical, friends, family, lawyer, police, whatever is necessary - because, once he's gone, he's gone and you can start to recover and start to live in peace

formidablescent Sat 22-Mar-14 08:00:02

Thank you all, I appreciate it very much and needed to hear some perspective. I know I can do this and it will feel better when I do, I know that too. Thanks again. It was good to get it out.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 22-Mar-14 08:18:40

Stop listening to what he is telling you for a start. He will tell you what he thinks you need to hear in order for him to get his own way.

Get the locks changed and kick him out. Don't let him back in.

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