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What is with these types of men?

(19 Posts)
WholeNutt Fri 21-Mar-14 19:16:03

Two of my very good friends met boyfriends on the Internet this already sounds dodgy anyway all 4 are mid to late 40's

The men professed love after a few short weeks said all the things that anyone would probably like to hear then 4 months down the line become complete arseholes and dump them.1 was a cheat the other said something was missing.

Both of my lovely friends are very upset. There seems to be more and more of this happening, or maybe just to one of my friends in particular.

Why do men do this? Is it just about getting the goods?

I think I'd be wary of any man declaring love 3 weeks in but I guess if you're unhappy single and meet someone who seems besotted it might be hard not to fall for it.

Deathwatchbeetle Fri 21-Mar-14 20:38:19

I think you have it there in the last sentence. You would be wary - your friends were probably not as strong or were feeling a bit vulnerable or whatever. These snakes know who to sliver over to. Any other woman worth her salt would have laughed in their face or rolled her eyes and never broken her stride.

Tinks42 Fri 21-Mar-14 20:46:00

Why does meeting a partner on the internet sound dodgy? I've met my last 3 long term partners there. Doesn't really matter where you meet someone, its what happens after. People "try others on for size" and many relationships don't work after a few months regardless.

FastLoris Fri 21-Mar-14 22:14:38

Why do men do this? Is it just about getting the goods?

Yep, that's it.

There are some men for whom the entire relationship/love/communication thing is nothing but a game or a means to an end. It's completely unconnected to any kind of reality for them. There are just certain things that you can say or do to achieve a particular effect (ie getting a girl to sleep with you) so you say or do them. It's a bit like advertising.

Incidentally I'm a man so I'm not just saying this out of past relationship bitterness, but because I've had candid conversations with such men.

The odd thing is that sometimes the same people can, in other situations, say they're genuinely in love and seem to be. I don't really understand it because I don't see how somebody playing that kind of game could have any concept of love. Or how the same person could feel such a complete lack of empathy for their victim, and love for someone else.

But there you go. Fortunately I think it's only a small minority of people who are like this. Wouldn't be surprise if they are over-represented on internet dating sites though.

olathelawyer05 Sat 22-Mar-14 01:47:25

Pick up artists taking advantage of naive women. No different to women who might use sex (or the suggestion of sex) to take advantage of naive men for their own gain. It's dishonesty that's the issue, and both sexes practice that equally.

FolkGirl Sat 22-Mar-14 06:37:08

If someone declared they loved me after a few weeks, I'd be off.

You're describing a pattern here that's quite commonly read about on the relationships board, particularly the dating thread, and early declarations of love and "saying all the right things" are generally regarded as Red Flags.

Only1scoop Sat 22-Mar-14 06:42:07

Declaring love so early I would actually find a real turn off.

TDada Sat 22-Mar-14 07:09:15

The internet is an efficient tool for players to set their traps.

georgesdino Sat 22-Mar-14 07:12:41

Dh and I said we loved each other and had talked about marriage in that time frame many years back. He does over 50% of home and childcare and is a fantastic man. Some people just click.

I think 99.9% of men on internet dating are going to be weirdos as thats why they are the internet to date.

SailingToByzantium Sat 22-Mar-14 07:32:00

Isn't there a saying "men give love for sex, women give sex for love"

Walkacrossthesand Sat 22-Mar-14 07:50:22

Bit harsh, Dino - internet dating is just another way to meet people nowadays, not the last resort for the ones no-one else wants! hmm

Only1scoop Sat 22-Mar-14 07:56:09

I must socialise with many 'weirdos' just been to a friends.... met on the Internet.

Actually that's the 4th friend with 'weirdo' I've see get together in the last 3 years and still together.

Hhhmmmm maybe not quite the 99 point 9 percent hey.

kentishgirl Sat 22-Mar-14 08:25:31

They might be using twats.

Or they might be at the stage in life where they use their heads more than their hearts, having learned a few lessons from previous relationships. You can fall for someone, or being infatuated anyway, and then over a few months as you get to know them better, you head starts pointing out red flags and things that will be a problem. I know in the past I've been in love so ignored potential issues and red flags, and deeply regretted it later. Now I'm much 'harder', no matter how much my heart said yes, if there was something not right and my head was saying 'not a good idea', I'd break up.

They might not be utter bastards. Just not wanting to stay with someone they've come to realise simply isn't right for them, despite initial strong feelings.

FolkGirl Sat 22-Mar-14 08:43:23

That is also true kentish.

I know that there are red flags I'd recognise and escape from now, whereas when I was younger I'd have been firmly in the "but I love him" camp.

Now, there are certain red flags I'd dump at the first sign of and others I'd wait and see if it turned out to be a proper red flag or not. But always mindful, and always prepared to end it.

TDada Sun 23-Mar-14 06:41:43

More and more normal people internet dating. But the internet is an efficient tool for players to reach as many women as possible. This is minority though.

TDada Sun 23-Mar-14 06:42:13

...basedin anecdotal evidence

WholeNutt Sun 23-Mar-14 09:13:53

I wonder if it depends on the dating site? Something like match or eharmony that you pay for makes me wonder of the people on there are more serious about looking for a partner rather than plenty of freaks fish which is where my friend met her recent numpty.

Nothing wrong with dating sites if you're honestly looking for the right person for you and you can sort the wheat from the chaff.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 23-Mar-14 09:36:43

Ok I met a man online. Really liked him (didn't declare love though) Had some fun. Saw him for about 6 weeks. Decided he was not the one for me and that, at the time, I didn't really want a full on serious relationship. So I (very gently) dumped him. He was devastated. I mean crying and the full works

Does that make me an arsehole only after my jollies?

It's unrealistic to expect that the first man you meet online. Or in fact every man you meet online is "the one" and be devastated when it doesn't work out. I think a lot of people online dating have very silly and unrealistic expectations of it and the people on it.

RichardLawton Sun 23-Mar-14 09:43:16

TBH it's impossible to know the truth here. Yes, the men might have just been using the women. On the other hand, it might be that the relationships really didn't meet their needs, in which case ending it is perfectly reasonable.

And it's not just men who do this. I have plenty of personal horror stories about women!

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