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He actually is that selfish - just need a vent!

(87 Posts)
ScoobyMetBatman Fri 21-Mar-14 18:15:43

I am so annoyed with my dp right now at how childish and selfish he can really be.

So we are both studying, me Open Uni, him traditional uni. Because I am with OU I don't have access to a physical library (well I do but it's Milton Keynes which is too far away). I found a really useful book on dp's uni library website which is only available as an ebook. As I wasn't logged in I couldn't read it, however he said he has access to all the ebooks for free. By looking at the free preview on amazon, this book will be a massive help for me.

Dp won't let me see the book on his account unless I do something for him. Today was my first chance in ages at having a full day of work - I am behind as it is so I really needed today (and he knows this!). He wanted to go out to do one of two activities that we sometimes do, but obviously I said no, I HAVE to do work. Then he said fine, he'll get the book for me if I put sexy underwear on (back story - we don't have much sex, I have problems which he knows about, sex really hurts for me, so I have no desire to wear sexy lingerie). Again I said no, so now he won't let me see the book.

I have ordered it from amazon now for £13. He asked if I'd ordered it, when I said yes, he says that proves how much I value his happiness??? What the hell?? I'm sorry I know this is very petty, I'm just so pissed off with him over it so needed to let it out here smile

BellaVita Fri 21-Mar-14 18:18:22

And you are with him because?

AnyFucker Fri 21-Mar-14 18:18:52

Why are you in this relationship ?

it sounds toxic, and he sounds like a prick

headlesslambrini Fri 21-Mar-14 18:20:45

Wow he's a real catch! hmm

pictish Fri 21-Mar-14 18:20:51

What a gentleman. hmm
What are his redeeming features?

headlesslambrini Fri 21-Mar-14 18:21:37

What is more worrying is that YOU think this is petty

MabelSideswipe Fri 21-Mar-14 18:23:02

He sounds like he is 10. Seriously even my 11 year old, who loves to be petty to his siblings, allows his sister to borrow his books for homework without expecting a pay off. I don't know why you would have any desire for sex with even if it did not cause you pain.

On a side note, when I was studying long distance with a University there was a scheme which allowed students to borrow books from other university libraries. I can't recall what it was called though. Maybe someone else will come along with more knowledge.

CannyBagOfTudor Fri 21-Mar-14 18:23:12

This is all wrong.

If he treats you like this it's not something you need to vent about and get out of your system, then get over.

You need to get him out of your life. Now.

CuntyBunty Fri 21-Mar-14 18:26:39

He is childish and selfish. My DH would do anything to help me and vice-versa, no strings attached. If he said something like this to me, I would think he was joking. It is just not normal or acceptable in a good, loving relationship.
No wonder you don't want sex with him; he sounds repulsive. I hope you aren't going to have children with him, because it will all be worse x 10.

Bogeyface Fri 21-Mar-14 18:27:45

You have to trade sex for a favour from him?!

That is fucked up. Seriously.

This guy is only going to get worse and worse, please please get rid of him.

IslaValargeone Fri 21-Mar-14 18:28:10

This goes Waay beyond childish, selfish and petty.
It's terrifying that you think this.
You really have to end this.

ScoobyMetBatman Fri 21-Mar-14 18:28:42

Yes there is a scheme where we can use other uni libraries, however because this is an ebook I don't think it applies (although not really looked into it).

I knew that would be the response, and I know I need to leave him. I tried splitting up with him last month, but we somehow talked through it. The thing is, when we talked last month, I basically said where I stood with the whole sex thing - how whilst I am studying, this is my priority, I don't want to be worried about sex or getting myself sorted until my course is over (later this year). He said that was fine, he understands blah blah blah. But then he goes and says things like this, and then gets in a huff when I say no, and it makes me think it went in one ear and out the other!

pictish Fri 21-Mar-14 18:30:17

I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was so self servingly unsupportive and unhelpful to me.

ScoobyMetBatman Fri 21-Mar-14 18:30:22

CuntyBunty - I did actually think he was joking at first, I honestly didn't think he would be that selfish.

hoppingmad Fri 21-Mar-14 18:32:02

He won't change. If he suspects you are having a relationship wobble he will be very agreeable and nod at all the right places. He doesn't mean any of it. He's a prick

You want an ebook for uni and he seriously turned it into a sex transaction. Urgh, he sounds vile

AnyFucker Fri 21-Mar-14 18:32:26

So, your talk was a waste of time then ?

Just tell this dickhead to jog on, you have no ties to him

Imagine...if you stay together long term will he expect a blow job every time he puts the bins out?. I imagine he would expect you to "prove" how much more you love him than eg. a new baby

if that doesn't put the shits up you, nothing will

pictish Fri 21-Mar-14 18:33:24

Listen to AF - she speaketh the sense.

IslaValargeone Fri 21-Mar-14 18:34:00

This is not about sex Scooby, this is about control and the sex is just one aspect of it.
I think the fact that you have described it as petty is a sign that he has eroded your sense of what is normal and what isn't.
I dread to think what else he does or plans to do that you accept as normal.

FobblyWoof Fri 21-Mar-14 18:34:44

That's really not petty. It's actually a huge deal (or it would be for me) on many levels. I would not be with someone who was such a massive dickhead

Viviennemary Fri 21-Mar-14 18:35:28

He sounds beyond awful. Time to call it a day. No need to put up with this kind of nonsense.

andsmile Fri 21-Mar-14 18:36:10

when sex becomes used as a bargaining point by one partner over another then its time to ask a few questions about the relationship.

aside - couldnt you ge the e book via OU uni website?

Rebecca2014 Fri 21-Mar-14 18:36:36

How often do you have sex? if you are never having sex then I can understand why he is getting so uptight about it.

hoppingmad Fri 21-Mar-14 18:36:40

In a typical relationship the conversation would go like this

"I need an ebook, could you download it for me please"
"Sure"

That's not hard is it?

AutumnStar Fri 21-Mar-14 18:37:32

This isn't a normal relationship, Scooby. You deserve better. Truly.

Nojustalurker Fri 21-Mar-14 18:38:26

I think you need to do more than vent.

You are not responsible for his happiness. Anybody who tries to make you do something you don't want to do just for their pleasure is not somebody you should be spending time with. Your partner is somebody who you should be able to trust, you can't trust this man. Take responsbility for your own happiness and get rid.

This is my first ltb so do come back and let me know if he has any redeeming features which means it is worth staying.

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