Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Emotional affair, no attraction?

(16 Posts)
mrsSOAK Fri 21-Mar-14 13:50:05

hello,
I suspect my DP if having an emotional affair but he has said he doesn't find this woman attractive, does that mean it can't be an emotional affair?

AuntieStella Fri 21-Mar-14 13:51:23

What is he actually doing that you think might be affair territory?

mrsSOAK Fri 21-Mar-14 13:58:20

he has a close work colleague and the kind of 'friendship' with her that makes me uncomfortable. he has been secretive about the extent of contact and she certainly knows more about me than I do about her.

mrsSOAK Fri 21-Mar-14 13:59:23

we have talked about it and he understands how I feel but he's adamant it's not an emotional affair

AuntieStella Fri 21-Mar-14 14:07:50

It's not really up to him to decide whether or not it is an affair. Concealing the extent or nature f a friendship is a huge red flag for an inappropriate level of involvement.

mrsSOAK Fri 21-Mar-14 14:09:29

that's how I feel aboutit. he looked emotional affairs up on relate website and said it wasn't an emotional affair because be doesn't find her attractive and that is one of the three main indicators

hellsbellsmelons Fri 21-Mar-14 14:21:30

Has he given you full clarity of all the communications?
Has he allowed you to look at all texts and emails, facebook etc.... so you can draw your own conclusions?
If not then that's a huge red flag right there.
See if he's willing to show you everything. Then you can decide!

mrsSOAK Fri 21-Mar-14 14:54:05

he has said I can go through everything but at the time I felt way too threatened by this woman and the effect on our relationship. he has taken her off of his Facebook which feels like a step in the right direction but he can't do his job without working with her so complete non contact is not possible

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Fri 21-Mar-14 15:13:30

And you believe him? What attracted him to being so personal with her in the first place?

mrsSOAK Fri 21-Mar-14 15:21:35

this is part of the problem, I don't believe him. he has lied to me and broken my trust in him and our relationship.(other things have happened, not entirely related to this but its all come out at same time) I am struggling to deal with this, partly because he won't admit to having an emotional affair....I am not going to LTB but I still don't know if he's right. is it an emotional affair without attraction?
I don't know why he became close to her.

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 21-Mar-14 16:05:15

Think of it differently. Does it really matter whether it is labeled emotional affair or not? What matters is how you feel about his relationship with this woman. If you are not happy and feel that it has over stepped your boundaries then you need to tell him what you expect from him. If the relationship doesn't bother you then stop worrying about it and move on. You have already decided not to LTB so in reality it doesn't matter what you think as he will lead the way.

Jan45 Fri 21-Mar-14 16:46:58

Well he would tell you that wouldn't he?

Sounds like he's having an inappropriate relationship with this woman anyhow, you don't know how far it has gone and he has form.

There's your answer.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Mar-14 16:53:39

I think he is being economical with the truth.

I have to look at you though; why do you not want to leave?. Fear of so called failure, being on your own?.

I would not ignore your own intuition here.

Your loved one is not necessarily straight up as well as honest regarding their pal. If they have got nothing to feel guilty about concerning their emotions with regard to this person, they would certainly have absolutely no difficulty sharing with you each time they chat with them and even whatever they discussed. Meanwhile if you cannot ever obtain a direct response regarding how much they chat or maybe what they are discussing, the relationship between your loved one and this other person is probably not on the up and up.

Your loved one is spending much less time with you. On the one hand it isn't required or even good for a husband and wife to spend every waking minute together. On the other hand, in the event you observed a large reduction in the amount of time your significant other spends with you, there could be something going on with them. If all of a sudden your husband or wife is working a lot more than normal (when there is actually no urgent project) or spending time with buddies and co-workers a lot more than they used to and you are never included, it could imply they are experiencing a close relationship with another person. If the relationship was harmless, your spouse would have absolutely no issue with spending time with the both of you at the same time.

Your husband or wife is sending text messages and phoning and receiving a lot more texts and calls than they had before. They may be at home with you however their focus is actually on someone else - either they are texting, phoning or even on the computer with that other individual so significantly that it interferes with the time you two spend with each other. The occasional marathon call with someone is one thing; abruptly devoting a lot of time talking to somebody else constantly is quite another. If a man or woman is married they should not feel the need to spend so much time speaking to another, unless they are missing that emotional contact with you - which is the key element of somebody starting on an emotional affair.

These are just three emotional affair signs which can alert you as to whether or not your significant other is actually engaged in an innocent friendship versus an affair of the heart.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Mar-14 16:54:36

If your own trust in him is broken then it is nigh on impossible to repair this.

What do you get out of your relationship with him now?.

MadBusLady Fri 21-Mar-14 17:57:56

What makes you think he couldn't lie about not finding her attractive?

rumred Sat 22-Mar-14 12:49:10

cheaters lie. its really that simple. he is minimizing what hes been up to.

deciding what you want to do next is harder.

do you trust him? can you talk to each other?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now