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The bastard has left me.

(18 Posts)
whattheelle Fri 21-Mar-14 13:41:56

Bit of background: I've been with DP for 6 years. Two young children age 5 and 3. Lots of problems but we've pulled through. He's inherently selfish, I'm branded lazy because I have Lupus and it all goes around in circles with lies, physical abuse from him to me and this isn't the first time he's left.

I should be glad to be rid of him. I know it's for the best but I am so in love it hurts.

This morning when I was in the shower he took our eldest child to school. Two minutes later I came downstairs to be with our 3 year old to find all of his stuff had gone including phone charger, clothes, paperwork etc and his SIM card left on the table for me to find.

He'll be at his mum's but I can't contact him at all as I don't know her new house number (he had it in his phone). She really dislikes me so would lie about him being there and obviously he doesn't want contact at all because I've got no way to contact him rather than showing up and hoping for the best.

I rely on his wage to top up mine and pay our bills. It feels like he's left me with all the bills,children etc while he can do whatever he wants no questions asked. I'm really, really angry, confused, upset all at once. Our relationship has been rocky but we always worked through any issues and we're fine for a while. No other woman that I know of as he works nights and otherwise is almost always at home.

I don't know what to tell my daughters. I don't know how to cope or where to go from here. I'm just in between seething anger at his selfish ways and hysterical tears. I've got no family close by and no friends who can see me today or tomorrow. I've just got to carry on.

I guess I'm just looking for advice. I know I'm well rid of him but the rest is a complete grey area.

Ivehearditallnow Fri 21-Mar-14 13:51:00

So sorry to read this sad although to be honest I think one day you'll genuinely be relieved and happy he's gone.

Why did he leave his SIM behind? So you know you can't text/call him?

I'd be getting the locks changed for a starter.

RE your daughters - I suppose all you can do is tell them the truth, that Dad has moved out. And that you'll all be OK. Because although it'll be hard at times I'm sure, I think you'll learn to love life with out this man ('physical abuse'?) around.

Take care xxx

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 21-Mar-14 13:54:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ivehearditallnow Fri 21-Mar-14 13:56:51

Get those locks changed so he can't just 'come back'. I assume he didn't leave his key behind? x

LavenderGreen14 Fri 21-Mar-14 14:00:37

So you need to sort out child tax credits, council tax benefit, housing benefit or mortgage, maintenance and putting bills into your name. Also Freedom Programme to help you in not taking him back again. You can do it online HERE

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Fri 21-Mar-14 14:02:34

I'm so sorry What.

Regarding money, if you receive tax credits, phone them and notify them you are a single parent and they should adjust the amount you receive fairly quickly. Also call CSA and start the process of him paying maintenance for your DC. If you are struggling day to day you could ask your gp to sign you off work for a while to give you time to cope and adjust.

Again, I am so sorry. He sounds horrible but if you love him still you must be broken hearted. Stay strong and don't let him come back. You don't deserve to feel like this every again.

BeCool Fri 21-Mar-14 14:02:50

Hi - wow you must be in shock but I agree with the others he has done you a favour - you might not feel that way yet though.

Change the locks asap.

Here is a benefits calculation website - www.turn2us.org.uk/
I was surprised to find with a few tax credits, council tax discount etc I was about the same financially without XP as I was with him.

Get on to the council re getting the single persons discount.
You can apply for tax credits straight away.

Big hug - be kind to yourself. Do something nice with your girls this weekend.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 21-Mar-14 14:10:08

You are definitely well rid of him.
You should contact Womens Aid as first port of call.
They can help you with who to speak to to get things moving.
I would imagine CBA and CSA would be next calls but womens aid will let you know your next moves.
Please also consider reporting his physical abuse to the Police.
This man will continue to abuse women while he is allowed and enabled to get away with it.
I do wish you well.
It may not feel like it now but you will be so much happier with him gone.

whattheelle Fri 21-Mar-14 15:22:16

The physical abuse was logged with the police. He used my bi polar against me, the police believed him and he got off with a caution. That was a year ago and I didn't contact them ever again after that.

I'm self-employed and struggling. It may be time to go back on benefits now to ESA so we have some time to figure things out. Our house is in my name and rented so while the deficit is £100 with full housing benefit it should be ok for a while.

I feel like I can't do this. I miss him so much and I love him but I can't let him back after this. He still has a key but I can't afford to get the locks changed. I've only got half the rent this month at the moment and my washing machine has broken so i don't have any money spare to even fix that.

He works two nights a week so I can try and contact him there next week but I don't know if anyone is in the office to pick up. I'm hoping he will call tonight or tomorrow about the children but I'm not holding my breath. Every hour I seem to fluctuate from anger to pure sadness. I think things would be even worse if he came back now sad

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 21-Mar-14 15:43:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EirikurNoromaour Fri 21-Mar-14 21:16:42

He's very abusive and he's done you a favour. You won't see it just yet but he has. Can you contact a local DV organisation for some support? You really need some rl backup in this.

MorrisZapp Fri 21-Mar-14 21:22:01

What a shit father he is. Adults can choose to end relationships but he should have shared the responsibility of telling the children and making plans.

Please do not take him back. This is your golden opportunity to move on. You and your kids deserve better than this.

Katrose Sun 23-Mar-14 00:40:53

How are you doing OP? X

NurseyWursey Sun 23-Mar-14 00:43:17

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have anything to say but don't want to read and run

whattheelle Mon 24-Mar-14 11:44:46

I'm ok, hanging in there. Trying to get into a routine to handle being a single parent.

I've emailed him as it's the only way I know how to get into contact and asked him to phone me or meet me at a local cafe on Wednesday to discuss access to the children. This is day 4 now and he hasn't phoned them or been around and they're really scared, confused and upset. He also still has a key to the house. I haven't found it here and he locked the door from the outside when he left so he's definitely got it.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 24-Mar-14 12:08:08

If you can't afford to get the locks changed could you just swap them around. Could you swop the front door lock for the back door lock. He'll probably not think you did that and will just assume you've changed the locks.

whattheelle Mon 24-Mar-14 12:48:04

There is no lock on the back door apart from one of those ones you can put on the catch and the front door lock is all metal into the handle. He's got no things here and no reason to come home but it just makes me feel a bit uneasy. Whenever I'm inside I leave the chain on and keys in the door.

Katrose Mon 24-Mar-14 18:29:51

If you can't change the locks please make sure you hide important info like your kids birth certs, passports etc- just in case. Also notify the school of the situation and that you're the only one who can pick them up. Although there's not necessarily a risk he'll take them from you what you've said about his relatives not liking you is ringing alarm bells for me.

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