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I think my xDP might be a psychopath or something?

(89 Posts)
laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 13:20:41

I am sorry if this is long I will try and make it as short as possible and can fill in more detail later if needed. Please would anyone be able to give me some opinions on the crazy change in behaviour of my xDP. I think there’s a chance he might have some sort of serious mental health issues and was wondering what the people here think.

We had a very good relationship, no problems I was aware of, happy home and no drama in our lives.

Throughout the relationship he was the “perfect” man. Nothing was too much trouble, he was really in love with me, treated me so well, huge romantic gestures all the time, was a great stepdad to my kids and just seemed to do everything right. Nothing at all amiss in the relationship, he seemed like Price Charming. My friends and family loved him, my kids loved him, everyone kept telling me I’d found a keeper and never to let him go.

Then 8 months ago he very developed severe depression after the death of his Dad and he changed. Came on very suddenly over a month. He, never went out, he became angry and snappy, he could not get out of bed and in the end he said he needed to be alone and moved out after giving me only 24 hours notice that he'd decided to do this. I was upset, but his depression seemed really severe to the point I was worried he would kill himself so I was supportive.

His depression had all the symptoms you usually expect from what you read about it but he was also quite an angry and started to say and do nasty things for seemingly no reason other than spite or lashing out. He became irrational too, once picking a fight with me over him needing to change travel plans 2 years ago due to my Nan having a stroke. It was really odd and nothing like the docile person he was before.

For six months now I have been helping him financially, talking to him every day, holding his hand when he felt really depressed, supporting him emotionally, driving him to docs appointments, doing his ironing, cleaning his flat and looking after him in general.

All this time he has been attributing his mean behaviour to being depressed and he has said he loves me but was really struggling to cope with life and that me standing by him was keeping him going. He kept saying he couldn't cope with a full blown relationship in his state but he was asking me to wait until he got better because he did not want to lose me.

Then at the weekend, I went on a night out with a mutual friend and some wine got flowing and her lips got loose. She told me that behind my back he has been telling friends he left me because I was a compulsive spender and we had been arguing and having problems. This is all completely not true. He was the compulsive spender and I was always trying to reign him in. He also has been saying behind my back that we are never getting back together, that he is not depressed and that he only stays in contact with me because I am upset and finding it hard to move on.

I was really angry and showed her his messages on my phone which confirmed my story and she was shocked. Because he is known as Mr Nice Guy and he is so well thought of by everyone we know my friend confessed that most people we know think I was “making up the depression” to make myself feel better about being dumped. I am apparently being called a bunny boiler behind my back smile

I then checked the credit card statement and saw that he joined up on and plenty more fish less than a week after leaving me with his “depression” and needing to be alone.

I then turned super sleuth and checked his phone and computer and found out he's put photos of us having sex on the internet on a website used to pick up women for casual sex.

I confronted him about all this last night (I had all the evidence printed off) and he denied it first, then said he didn't have to justify himself to me. I said to him that I'd been taking care of him and he'd been begging me to wait for him and he said that he didn't want to be with me and me checking up on him proves that I am a psycho stalker. He had no remorse or guilt at all over any of it.

I feel really bamboozled. He has the whole world believing lies about me. I could easily send evidence round to show he is a liar, but this seems immature and embarrassing. I can’t stress enough how well this guy is thought of by friends and family. He even had me fooled and I lived with him.

Is he just severely depressed, or is this man a psychopath or something more serious?

Also, what should I do? Walk away?

I feel funny even saying this because up until now I completely believed he was a great guy with no faults. His lies haven't been small ones it's more like he says the opposite of the truth and I feel a bit scared of him.

Nomama Fri 21-Mar-14 18:39:01

OK 2 lessons learned - no videos or photo's you will ALWAYS regret them.

Other one is the one you need to learn now: he will continue being weird and vile. You will gain nothing by fighting fire with fire. But now you know and so does someone who had been sucked in by him. All you have to do/say is laugh 'oh, is he telling you that too?' if anyone else brings it up.

As for the piccies, where did he put them? Ask whoever urns the site them to remove them as a mater of urgency. Give them a potted history and, if he actually posts anything vile with the piccies use that as evidence that they should be removed. I can't remember where else you go for that....

He is a complete weirdo and you are well shot of him... pity his next victim! As others have said take all steps to sever any and all ties. Even of that means picking up any outstanding debts, if you can afford to. And check your credit status, Noddle is free. Don't let him have any negative affect on you.

SplitHeadGirl Fri 21-Mar-14 18:40:01

Report this revolting man. Stand up for yourself by going to the police. I remember reading that one of the major aspects of a sociopath is that they get you to feel sorry for them. much easier to manipulate and control you if they have gained your sympathy.

laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 19:42:57

Thanks all. He took the photos down last night and I think reporting to the police would create more drama for me when I just want a bit of peace and quiet after all this. I think he would end up twisting it to make me look bad. Like "She knew I put those photos online, we did it together, this is her being a bunny boiler". He's shown himself to be capable of immense bullshit and I don't want any more trouble for me and the kids.

I will definitely not contact him and will block him on everything. I just feel completely devastated. After so many happy years together for him to do this to me for no apparent reason. He was my best friend, I completely trusted him.

His explanation is of course that he was embarrassed about being depressed and did not want people to know the extent of it and he said he did not directly say the things people are saying but that they "drew their own conclusions" which is basically telling e that my friends thought I was a bunny boiler?

His words are so assured and so patronising that they have be doubting my own sanity. HE chased ME. He BEGGED me to go out with him. All through the relationship he acted like he worshipped the ground I walked on. It's like he's twisted reality 180 degrees.

When I talk to him at the moment I come away feeling very confused. He plays tricks with words and I end up having it turned back on me. It's very hard to explain but he sort of answers every question with a question or re-directs things to insult me.

I think people are right and trying to keep my dignity if best, the truth will out in the end. My friend, bless her, said she was calling everyone she knew to tell them the texts and whatsapps she has seen on my phone so hopefully that will help put things right.

I was so temped to put the evidence on Facebook last night, but with hindsight I am glad I didn't.

I know he is a complete bastard, but I really thought he wasn't and really loved him. I've been looking after him all this time when he was ill.

FabULouse Fri 21-Mar-14 19:52:56

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Seaofyou Fri 21-Mar-14 19:54:36

Lovebombing is a common thing psychopaths do to make you think they are the perfect partner. They will mirror you so it appears you are soul mates. But over time the act cannot be sustained and in this case his fathers death put huge stress on him acting out still. He was possibly doing stuff before his fathers death too but the no stress to cause the mask to slip.

So lets thing to do is treat him like a psychopath! Write to him or better still get a solicitor to write to him to explain you will not tolerate what he has done with the photos and if he does not remove and discard them and negatives ( or hands them over to solicitor) you will inform the police and take legal action. Btw did you know the photos were being taken?

Ok next in letter you say you want no further contact with him. You change your numbers emails FB etc and delete his contacts. You have no contact with him ever again.

Then wait! See if legal threats work!

Step 2 don't look back, restart contact etc

For me it is the photos of sex posting them on internet that is a red flag here. He needs his sexual ego boosted. Was he into odd sexual behaviours? Had he ever admitted anything like rape?

Be careful as if he is a true psychopath he might not like this ego attack and may retalliate but I think the 'legal' threat might keep him in check.

Seaofyou Fri 21-Mar-14 19:57:05

Aha posted same time OP glad they are down but are they destroyed?

Well done and dont look back.

laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 20:12:34

I Googled and it said it's not actually illegal in the UK?

No, they are not destroyed and even if I tried to they would probably not be as he's a computer security worker and he'd know a way around it.

Legal action threats are a good idea. He's terrified of public embarrassment and authority figures.

No, he's not got any weird sexual tastes, doesn't like pain or anything weird. The only odd thing is maybe that he is very sexual, maybe a little obsessed with it. This always made me feel "loved" and "wanted" but with hindsight he would have been like that with anyone. I think he's a bit of a pervert. I read some of the messages he was sending girls on that sick and it made me sick in my mouth.

lavenderhoney Fri 21-Mar-14 20:40:55

I hope thats the end of you doing anything for him at all? And you have sought legal advice re maintenance for your dc? Plus agreed contact?

I would change the locks too, just to be sure, and stop all contact with him, fb, etc. Do you have a solicitor? Perhaps he could go through them in future and where does he see the dc? Assume you're not running them about making it easy for him?

Your friend- she sounds like his friend too. Is there anyone in your family or an old friend who would be supportive of you and you know won't run back to him? Not saying your friend will, but you may need assurance of privacy.

laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 21:03:38

Yes!!! Am doing nothing for him ever again. Already sent him and email to tell him never to contact me again. My DC's are not his thankfully.

My friend is more my friend than his. She would not run back to him. After reading what she read she telephoned him there and then and called him a manipulative c**t because she was so disgusted and angry for me. She is the one who suggested me that he was a psychopath and she has been the one to help me really find my anger in all this. At first I was like a bunny caught between the headlights.

Yes though, I do have lots of friends with no connection to him. Honestly...there's no danger at all of me running back to him. I'd never let him near me again.

Hoppinggreen Fri 21-Mar-14 21:22:52

My Dad was narcissistic but his behAviour only got really bad after my grandad died.
I think I read somewhere that quite often this kind of person is held in check by an authority figure that they are afraid ( usually a parent) but once that person has gone it can release the real narcissist.
Get away and keep away, he will only get worse.

43percentburnt Fri 21-Mar-14 21:25:53

I really do suggest you report the pictures to the police. It may seem melodramatic, but I think you may only feel that now because of what he is saying. You may feel that will upset him further. But he thought very little about upsetting you when he posted them on line.

A little chat with the police may make him realise you are not going to be fucked around. Follow it up with a solicitor letter. If any one calls you unhinged ask them if they would want someone to post intimate pictures of their girlfriend, mother, sister or daughter without their knowledge. Stick to facts if anyone asks you questions, say they may want to be a little wary of him.

Keep texts and emails, just in case you need them later on. Ask him to not contact you. He may become mr nice guy again to further manipulate you. He is saying he doesn't want to be with you because you caught him out, he may want you to beg for his forgiveness. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

My ex said lots of people thought I was unhinged/horrid blah blah blah, I now know from many people that they actually thought he was a cock and wondered why I was with him! Strangely his exes were all unhinged/crazy and psychotic too... Hmmm...

This guy is doing you a favour. You can do so very much better. You may look back and realise there were other red flags early in the relationship.

Do report his posting of pictures and do send a letter via a solicitor. You are not unhinged, I would certainly expect a friend, acquaintance or a stranger to report it.

ScarletStar Fri 21-Mar-14 21:32:01

OP read this

You made me think of it when you started your post by saying he was Prince Charming, etc...

Seaofyou Fri 21-Mar-14 21:37:52

Hopping can I was ask was your dad abused by his df? Did the gf cause it?
I agree and showing you mean it by law enforcement action is often the only way to keep behaviours in check. My ex doesnt attack my house no more as if caught on CCTV he will go to prison. You have to wait to see if he attacks then otherways ie stalking cyberbullying and quash these with threatening law also. You have to spell it out you will act abd he will be in trouble OP. This should hault him to move on and stop this behaviour. Unless he is a paranoid psychopath of course he wont stop and end up in trouble with law.

laurenlovely Sat 22-Mar-14 08:23:02

I know this seems a very silly question, but can anyone tell me why a person would do this?

Act for years as if they loved you, bend over backwards to make you happy, be there for you through everything (illness, troubles) and be your best friend and closest companion and then suddenly decide to be hateful?

gamerchick Sat 22-Mar-14 08:34:28

I do hope you'll report the photos to the police. Even if you don't want the aggro for yourself or you don't mind that much etc. Do it for the next unfortunate who finds herself wrapped up in him.

scornedwoman67 Sat 22-Mar-14 08:50:14

lauren Who knows why he has done it. It must be torture but sadly you may never know. What you must concentrate on is stopping him from hurting you any more. I'm so sorry.

laurenlovely Sat 22-Mar-14 09:09:27

I just can't understand how anyone could keep up such a performance for so long

AchyFox Sat 22-Mar-14 17:13:04

His explanation is of course that he was embarrassed about being depressed and did not want people to know the extent of it.

I was going to suggest that this might well be the case.

Everything fits.

AchyFox Sat 22-Mar-14 17:15:45

ie that he was depressed not that he was just going to say that.

laurenlovely Sun 23-Mar-14 09:29:31

Well, I defriended him, blocked his number, blocked his email and my friends and family have done the same. I never thought at my age I would ever have to do that with anyone (especially not him!) but it's done.

I have contacted credit card company and asked them how to split our joint card and I've had his name taken off all the bills at the house.

I feel really detached from reality and none of this seems real.

wyrdyBird Sun 23-Mar-14 14:11:14

Good for you Lauren. NC is the only way to deal with someone like this.

You may feel detached from reality because you've had to rethink your reality in a big way. It's a shock to the system. You've also had to deal with his word games, blatant lies and manipulation.

Recovering from a relationship like this can take more out of you than you expect. Be kind to yourself, get plenty of support, and give yourself time.

AchyFox Sun 23-Mar-14 14:11:42

I agree with others: this man is not depressed. He is a full on manipulator, and always was. It's not unusual to find a huge web of lies around a man like that, and to find yourself offering emotional and financial support because he has made you feel sorry for him, and because he appears to be a nice guy.


You'll probably find out later that he killed his father.


GarlicMarchHare Sun 23-Mar-14 14:44:14

It's natural to want to know 'why'. Highly simplistic explanation coming up:
1] There's a powerful fantasy in his head of what he is & how his life should be.
2] Discrepancies between what's in his head and the realities are intolerable.
3] He will do anything at all to make reality fit the fantasy, or to convince himself it fits.
4] Since he can't bear the discrepancies, he will always blame others for them.
5] His fantasy is his only 'reality'. Other people are not properly real to him, they are accessories.

You will never know exactly what his fantasy looks like. As you know him well, you'll have some idea but you can only have seen a very small part of it.

I know these aren't answers, but hopefully it will head off any sneaky feelings that you should or could have done things differently. You couldn't have: you were manipulated by a madman.

Some time soon, it may be helpful to think that you had 3 lovely years with a fantasy partner - and, when the façade broke, you acted swiftly to limit the damage. You rock smile

laurenlovely Sun 23-Mar-14 16:05:52

I know it must be easy to read stuff like this and work out that a person is unhinged or deranged or a sociopath - but to me he's my partner. It doesn't feel really possible at all.

He was my best friend and the closest person in the world to me and this was the best relationship I'd ever had. It's hard not to wonder hat that says about me. That my deepest relationship in 40 years was with someone who had no real emotions and was faking the whole thing sad

GarlicMarchHare I know what you have said is completely true. His reactions are like an animal backed into a corner and he's almost rabid in his need to not face the truth or admit to reality. His "nice" persona changed completely like the mask slipping off when he was confronted.

What you said to me was very, very nice. This is a good way to look at it and I hope I can try and focus on it in a positive and strong light like that because I know if I have done something wrong here I didn't know it or understand what was happening.

I am not sure how to mourn the relationship now. It's really strange because I don't miss him or want to see him because the things he has done are so bad that he sickens me but there's another level to it underneath where I know I've experienced the loss of what I thought was my future and someone who was incredibly previous to me.

Holdthepage Sun 23-Mar-14 16:28:48

Your description of this man is so like a member of my family. The word mask is very apt because they do wear a mask & only under duress does the mask slip & you see the real person behind.

Don't waste another minute of your life trying to understand the motives behind the actions of someone like this. The only meaningful relationship they ever have is with themselves, everyone else is expendable.

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