Hello. Sorry I have lurked for a while and this is going to be quite long. I don't know what I expect of you wise ladies, but I hope that it will help to get it off my chest.
I found out recently that I am pg. DP and I already have DS, who is a joy and was a semi-surprise in himself! Although we weren't actively TTC we weren't actively preventing it either and we were both excited when we found out. The surprise bit comes from the fact that we're both a bit older - DP is 45 and I was 38 when I had DS. DP has older DSs from a previous relationship.
This time - genuine contraception failure. I'm now well over 40 and honestly didn't expect one split condom to result in a pregnancy, especially as I was just getting back to normal after having had the contraceptive injection since DS's birth. But, this is the situation we are in.
I am utterly conflicted. I lurch between excitement at the thought of a sibling for DS, to complete denial that it will ever happen. There is lots in our life which is in no way ideal for a second DC (just like everyone else, I'm sure) and some things I am genuinely unwilling to change. For example, we have a lovely 3-bed house which is exactly how I want it, with a nice bedroom for DS and a gorgeous guest room for visitors (of which we have quite a lot as we live 100+ miles from family). I work FT, which would have to change and I would find it difficult to return FT to my role later. I enjoy our family time as it is and I feel it provides a good balance, with a chance for baby-free time for both of us. This would change with 2 children.
But then I think about DS. This is his only chance for a brother or sister (well, one around his age anyway, his half-brothers are much older). I have a sister and simply cannot imagine life without her. We are friends, confidantes, allies and sometimes enemies - none of which I would change for the world. Would I ever get over the guilt of taking that relationship away from my son?
DP is utterly horrified. He suffers with rather fragile mental health and he says that he is already 'hanging by a thread' to wellness. I don't know how true this is because he has been known to exaggerate at times, but it is certainly true that he does get depressed sometimes. He will not go to the GP, and generally manages to control it with meditation, exercise and herbal remedies. He is vehemently opposed to ADs, despite the fact that the last time he was on them was over 16 years ago and I'm sure things have moved on a great deal since then.
Although he has said that whatever I decide, he will support me 100% - and I believe him; he is many things but he is not a quitter - I simply cannot ignore that he really, REALLY doesn't want another DC. I worry about what another child would do to our relationship; equally I worry about how I would feel if the reason I did not have this child was predominantly because of him. But then I worry if another DC really would push him over the edge?
I have just read the information the GP gave me yesterday (I have asked to be referred for TOP even though I am as yet undecided) and it has worried me even more about what I would need to put myself through if that's the path I choose.
As I have said, I am genuinely and completely conflicted. It feels wrong to think about terminating. It feels terrifying to the pit of my stomach to think about another DC. I know no-one can tell me what to do for the best. I'm just hoping someone can help me to clarify all the jumbled up panic thoughts running through my head.
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Can anyone offer me a bit of clarity?
9 replies
notaflamingclue · 21/03/2014 10:26
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