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What's your definition?

(27 Posts)
CakeWillDo Fri 21-Mar-14 08:22:43

What do you think the foundations of a loving relationship are? What things are important to you, to keep the spark alive in a relationship?
I'm interested to see if my expectations are unrealistic and not what/ how everyone else thinks.

WWOOWW Fri 21-Mar-14 08:41:48

Someone who is secure. Who allows me to be me, do what I want, when I want.

Logg1e Fri 21-Mar-14 09:24:44

Kindness, kindness, kindness.

On a practical level, shared values and shared expectations.

Missesbumble Fri 21-Mar-14 09:30:23

I'll be watching this thread with interest since apparently my expectations are unrealistic according to h :-/

OurMiracle1106 Fri 21-Mar-14 09:33:57

Someone who makes me happy. Someone I can be myself around. Someone who will comfort me when I'm sad and laugh with me when I'm happy. Who will support me with my ambitions as I will them. Who listens to me. Someone to share my life with

LavenderGreen14 Fri 21-Mar-14 09:37:10

Faithful, honest, respectful and kind. Without trust there is no real point.

whatsagoodusername Fri 21-Mar-14 09:49:25

Respect. Honesty. Trust.

Your expectations are not too high as long as you apply them to yourself and not just your partner. It's when you can't that it becomes unrealistic.

Olivegirl Fri 21-Mar-14 09:50:00

Be best friends as well
Be encouraging of each other
Let each other go,don't cling
Be confident in yourselves and independent
Be kind
Trust each other
Have fun and laugh

I've been happily married 21 years this year smile

Not saying life is perfect and we've had ups and downs like anyone
But we seem to go by these generally ....

youmakemydreams Fri 21-Mar-14 10:17:38

Things that I've lacked in previous relationships that I have with dp I think.
We are friends,we probably share more with each other than friends we've had longer.
He is soft enough to be a soppy bugger but strong enough to lean on when I need it.
He will look after me and has stuck up for me when one of his oldest friends was extremely rude to me. He's quite a quiet man but spoke up when I needed him.
We trust each other and have fun together. We have the same values and support each others ambitions.
From my now ended marriage I realised how it becomes all to easy to forget about your relationship when dc come along and this was something we discussed when we got together. We make sure that we make time just for each other. The dc are at their dads this weekend and we are going to a hotel for the night to enjoy some dinner and wine away from the house. We also make sure we end the day together. It sounds soppy but every night when we get into bed we cuddle up for a while before we go to sleep. Again from experience it's easy to be shattered and get into bed and fall straight to sleep. It's amazing how much difference to physical intimacy just sharing a cuddle makes. Even if you're knackered and a bit stressed out.

lavenderhoney Fri 21-Mar-14 12:52:56

Trust, honesty, having fun, same outlook, same lifestyle choices, same sexual compatability, kind, being able to discuss and talk about anything without fear of reprisal or misunderstanding. Accepting there will be problems along the way and sorting them out. Compromise without bitterness. Being able to disagree without it being a big shouty drama.

Knowing they are there to share the good and bad times.

And they are hotsmile and they think you are hot as wellsmile

CailinDana Fri 21-Mar-14 12:57:53


CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Mar-14 13:09:53

I'd say it's everything you get from a really close friend - love, laughter, respect, honesty, support, understanding, shared interests etc - with that added (and crucial) extra layer of emotional and physical intimacy.

CakeWillDo Fri 21-Mar-14 16:32:47

Thanks for all the responses. For me the answer would be..

Mutual respect
Emotional and physical support
Best friends
Being honest and open
Sharing the same outlook on what makes you happy.

Making an effort to spend quality time together to the benefit of both partnets.

Listening to their needs and wants.

Being equal and part of a team.

Looking out for your partners emotional and mental well being.

A shared life which encompasses both parties methods and preferences where possible.

Making an effort to talk to, get to know and understand your partner.

I don't think what I want is unrealistic but apparently I cant have everything and have to compromise on some of themblush . It seems quite similar for all of us, in a general sense.

CakeWillDo Fri 21-Mar-14 16:34:19

missedbumble I'd be interested to know what you have been told is unrealistic and whether our DH share similar traits.

hookedonchoc Fri 21-Mar-14 19:37:55

Logg1e: Kindness, kindness, kindness.� On a practical level, shared values and shared expectations.

Exactly this smile

worsestershiresauce Fri 21-Mar-14 19:51:02

As well as the things listed above, someone who makes time for me. Playing second fiddle to a partner's career/hobbies/friends/family etc is no life.

Tinks42 Fri 21-Mar-14 20:11:55

Of course all of the above is ideal and should happen "most" of the time, it's unrealistic though to expect it "all" of the time. Everyone has bad days.

louby44 Fri 21-Mar-14 20:19:43

What if they are kind, loving,attentive, generous etc to you but they struggle to bond with your DC?

Tinks42 Fri 21-Mar-14 20:25:12

Depends how old your DC's are Louby.... My son is 16 so it's not really so important. If they are young then and you're thinking of living together then I'd dump the guy. Kids come first.

Offred Fri 21-Mar-14 20:43:29

Equality, respect, complimentary values, trust, honesty, responsibility, compassion, support, understanding, communication and matching sex drives.

In no particular order.

louby44 Fri 21-Mar-14 20:55:57

tinks he's already dumped! Took him 6 years to show his true colours.

Tinks42 Fri 21-Mar-14 21:02:17

Im glad you dumped him Louby, so he pretended to like your kids for 6 years? I think that some people automatically take on others children full heartedly and some just can't. When my son was little I used to set my bar on whether they were fantastic to him. Anyone I have had a long term relationship with have been. Never ever choose a man over your child is my motto.

FastLoris Fri 21-Mar-14 22:52:02

Cake -

I think one problem is that all the items in your list are open to a lot of interpretation about what is being expected and when those expectations are reasonably fulfilled.

"Emotional and physical support" - How much support, when? We all have lives to be getting on with. Do you drop everything for your partner only in the gravest crises, or whenever they need anything, or somewhere in between?

"Being honest and open" - HOW open? Everybody has stuff they prefer to keep to themselves too.

So just making a list of items doesn't really address the issue of different perceptions of reasonable expectation. It's probably more of a feeling thing - about how much feels right for people to give into a relationship and have open to the relationship, and how much they need their own emotional space. We all have both aspects, so there's no right or wrong. People are just different in the balance and makeup of those aspects.

FWIW I think it's pretty common for men to want a lower standard of expectation than women. That's certainly been the case in nearly every relationship I've ever had. You just have to be willing to listen, be open to the other's perceptions and compromise. And if you can't, together, do that enough to be happy, well then it won't work.

FastLoris Fri 21-Mar-14 22:53:45

I also agree with Logg1e about shared values and shared expectations. And I think that "practical level" counts for more than many people realise, particularly once children come along.

CakeWillDo Sat 22-Mar-14 13:37:22

'You just have to be willing to listen, be open to the other's perceptions and compromise.'

This for me is the key I think, Fast. The glue that allows different personalities to have a loving relationship. Thank you.

Like you said, everything is open to interpretation and we all have different expectations. Something that is important to my DH may not beas important to me. But I have always tried to respect that and act accordingly. Life isn't perfect and we all have ups and downs. I also think a key factor is seeing someone else's needs and not just applying our own feelings to a situation. i.e "that doesn't upset me, so why would it upset you, so why would you need suppor?" (As a permanent approach, not the odd let down, which happens).

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