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I just don't know how to do this

(15 Posts)
RedandChecker Thu 20-Mar-14 20:43:48

Possibly the longest post on MN and I'm still
Missing out loads. It's just years of crap.

Been with DP since Early teens. He's all I know.
But I think I'm realising that I am fighting a battle I will never win and it's destroying me.

I've always stayed because of DS and their relationship and put DSs happiness before mine, but now that just isn't the case. As DS has got older DP is finding it harder. He is only four, bless him but DS seems to think now he goes to school he should know better. He sees him for 15 minutes a night, he only has to help out with bed time (which he insists I keep DS up for) only for it to turn Into him shouting at him for something tiny. He thinks he's naughty, he really isn't. He's not an angel, but he's just a normal cheeky 4yo. He doesn't give him any warnings his shouting is so harsh and sudden it even makes me Jump. He says he won't do story time now etc etc and storms back down leaving DS in tears over trivial every day issues you get with young children. I am left almost every evening with the decision to go and comfort my DS or follow through with DP so I don't have to face the music.

Of course, I go and comfort DS. How could I not. I always tell him to say sorry if he has shouted at DP but he only learns it from DP anyway. Then I face the music of 'you're too soft, why do I bother trying to help anyway' and all the names under the sun. It makes me feel awful. I think I am a good balance as a parent. I do timeouts and sticker charts and the odd bribery! I just cannot stand shouting or aggression or 'I'm taking away absolutely everything' the other day he told DS he couldn't have a story, toys or telly. I said to him what do you want a 4yo to do if he can't read, play or watch his programmes.

If we have a family day out and DS has a tantrum over say something he doesn't like on his plate - it Turns into the end of the world for DP. He just escalates the tiniest things into these massive horrible atmospheres and he tells DS he's ruined the day :-( it breaks my heart.

Anyway - that's the reason I'm wanting to leave now. Because once DS isn't happy there is no point, is there?

For me, he doesn't help with anything. We both work, he does do more hours but he has never cooked a meal or cleaned a plate or helps out when I'm ill. Last night I made dinner which was a big meal, lasagne and salad and he asked me to put some chips on with it for him. I totally forgot in-between ironing and making lunches. I said 'oh Shit I'm sorry I forgot to put the extra chips on.' And I get head shaking and tutting and 'I knew you'd forget' he's just so ungrateful and rude. If he takes the bin out one day he mentions it like he's expecting an award.

He's been unfaithful plenty of times. I forgave. I don't bring it up but it still eats away at me especially as I know two of them.

I've had miscarriages and never felt support from him. They tore me up inside. Confused me. we TTC for 9 months at a 'happy point' In our relationship and i then decided i no longer wanted to anymore I decided to look into contraception. The day after this Discussion I found I was pregnant. I was shocked and scared but he reassured me saying he was excited and it will be nice. The times I have miscarried life has been stressful so he knows I don't want to be stressed. And I really need some emotional support right now But it seems ever since I found out it has been so stressful and emotions are just crazy to him. He's started going out more. I don't mind him going out as I enjoy the telly to myself and some peace. But this time was his second weekend in a row and I've been suffering a lot of anxiety with this pregnancy. I've been having panic attacks so I asked him to stay. He wouldn't. He wanted to go out with the same guy he sees at work 12 hours a day and we had over already that week. The next day was meant to be his only day off with DS he promised to take him to the toy shop and he didn't. He stayed in bed till 4pm.

I brought him up on this and said it was unfair on DS to promise something he was looking forward To very much and then not do it due to a hangover. He shouted at me, said I was mental if I thought that was letting down DS and this is why he wants to go out because he can't deal with me and how mental I'm being with this pregnancy. This broke my heart and made me wish I never told him I was suffering anxiety. He used it against me.

He's had a lot of shit that I've stood by him through and it's all been stuff he's brought on himself but I've been there through thick and thin and he couldn't support or stay in one night to just give me a cuddle whilst I'm pregnant.

I know I have to leave. I just don't know how.
I'm scared to post this, I know I must seem like the biggest doormat in the world. I just wanted a family for DS. I've tried so hard, and it's draining me. I have nothing left to give. I've begged him to go to anger management and he said he is embarrassed, I told him to at least read a book about It, a self help one and he won't. EVERYDAY I stay calm when inside I am raging to try and teach him how to parent and help him to understand how is parenting effects DS. Sometimes I get through and he takes it onboard and apologises but the next time is the same as before.

I just have nothing left to give? What do I do? What can I do?

I don't know what to do. I earn buttons. I tell him
I will leave sometimes and he thinks I'm joking. He says I never would. I have failed DS, haven't i sad and now I have a second on the way,
Poor kids. FFS. I only want support someone to make me realise that this will never work no matter how hard I try because all I've done is cling on to hope he will change. He just doesn't want it as much as I do.

somedizzywhore1804 Thu 20-Mar-14 20:49:08

I have no experience OP but I didn't want to leave this unanswered. It will be hard if you leave but I think you'd be happier and I think so too would the kids.

I know you must feel trapped but you aren't. There's s better life out there for you.

crispyporkbelly Thu 20-Mar-14 20:53:40

I think you and your ds would be so much happier just you two. He sounds like a cheating, lazy slob tbh and a shit father. Nothing much to hang around for.

Life is so short. Be happy

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 20:55:55

Oh my lovely I'm so sorry. This is an awful way to live, I left my abusive partner five weeks ago now because when it starts spilling over towards your children, it's heartbreaking and you just know enough is enough. I was so downtrodden but I left with a three year old and 16 month old twins, if I can do it, so can you.
You're sure to get help with benefits if you leave, it's not ideal but neither is it anything to be ashamed of. And it's far better than how you're living now x

OiMissus Thu 20-Mar-14 21:05:17

Ah you poor thing. He sounds like a git.
When I was pg, everything seemed si much worse - I was so much more emotional. But your story goes beyond that, so I don't think that's what's happening here.
It really does sound like your life would be so much richer without him. It'll be tough. But probably not as tough as you have it now. Good luck.
And congratulations on your pregnancy!

Justyou Thu 20-Mar-14 21:07:03

You need to make the break, I know how scary it is I was in exactly the same position 7 years ago with 2 young dd but the relief once it was done was amazing. Yes there were lots of difficult times afterwards when he ranted or tried to make things hard but the relief of being free with my girls and not worrying about them being too noisy or wanting to play without worrying about mess was so so worth it. Eventually I was at point where I really didn't care how much he kicked off at me as it was like a switch where I realised it didn't matter I didn't have to worry what he thought anymore. The relief is hard to describe it was like a huge weight being lifted. It will be hard but during the tough times I still felt so much happier that it was done and my dd could be children without fear of upsetting him

Its0kToBeMe Thu 20-Mar-14 21:08:41

Your DP sounds like a spoilt piece of shit. Utter asshole.

RedandChecker Thu 20-Mar-14 21:18:27


I know it will be a massive relief, eventually. But he will make it extremely hard. I've done it before and I got everything from threats to on the knee crying. It's so hard. I'm so scared I've never been an adult by myself. I'm going to have to work out money.

I worry about having a new born on my own and then I realise that actually, it will be easier. I won't have to be scared when the baby wakes in the night that he will kick off.

He tells me no one would take me on with kids! Now I'm
Putting in writing I realise how bad it is. I've just not known any different. It's always been like this.

milkysmum Thu 20-Mar-14 21:19:24

So much of your post rings true to me. 3 weeks ago I decided enough was enough. Feel free to search my other thread for details (sorry not sure how to link to another thread). I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. It wont be easy but it sounds like you have done everything you can and I doubt this man will ever change. if he's anything like my husband he will not truly accept the problem is his and will continue to blame you. I am already feeling stronger and the kids are less distressed than they were. I suspect you will be entitled to a fair bit of working tax credits/ child tax credits. I earn a reasonable wage and was surprised I was entitled now h has moved out. There is an online calculator to see what your entitlement would be. I am so happy I have finally taken that first step. You and your children are worth so much more than this.

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 21:34:55

We want happy homes for our DC. When the home they have isn't happy, we leave and make it happy. That was what did it for me. It's daunting at first but it's so worth it. Stay strong x

Pleasejustgo Thu 20-Mar-14 21:46:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pleasejustgo Thu 20-Mar-14 21:48:42

Aargh was supposed to be my own new thread! Have asked for it to be moved.

I'm having the worst day of my entire life today I'm afraid and am not hijacking your thread OP. Sorry!!

newsandreviews Thu 20-Mar-14 21:53:38

That has made me very sad how he treats your DS. Poor little boy. sad Leave

TeaMakesItAllPossible Thu 20-Mar-14 21:59:34

Go to the CAB. Find out what you're entitled to. Start collecting and storing your documents. Talk to your MW. Do you have family to escape too? If you are ever scared. Call the police.

Ringsender2 Thu 20-Mar-14 22:00:46

You know what, you sound like a really sound mummy, very in tune with your little boy's needs and his little 4 year old being. There may be a time in the future when his father can develop some empathy to him but it does sound, unfortunately, as though it's not going to be while you're living with him. In one way only one choice to make, but in another way, a very hard choice to actually make. I wish you well in what you decide. Whatever it is, your DS is very lucky to have you.

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