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50 shades of idiot: silly tales of the abusive ex (meant lightheartedly but also could be triggering)

(257 Posts)
Cakehanded Thu 20-Mar-14 19:34:01

Namechanged in case any of this outs me but something I had to do today brought back loads of memories of my abusive exH, some that are very deep 'kind-of healed' wounds but some that seem like silly little things but things that I never got to have a go at him for and never told anyone in RL as I didn't want the pitying looks. I'd still like to be able to talk about them somewhere though and get it out into the virtual open, maybe even have a laugh about it if I can so going to do that here.

Anyone else is more than welcome to chip in with tales of the idiot they've left (or even if you haven't if you want to!), I hope nobody finds me starting the thread too triggering/offensive.

1 - When I left, leaving virtually all of mine and baby ds's worldly goods behind but taking what I thought was a restrained 50% of the cash in our current account (which was not a lot at all) to support us he emailed that he thought I was unreasonable as he didn't understand why I'd 'drained' the account as he couldn't see what I'd need it for. 'Dear' ExH, shall I write you a list? Nappies, food, shelter, bills, any of that ringing any bells? Considering you haven't paid any maintenance for 6 years I assume you're still confused and think ds and I live in a field sustained by the smell of flowers.

2 - He said I had 'strange eyes'. No more explanation mind, that was just listed as one of the things I'd done wrong in our relationship, had 'strange eyes'.

3 - Another thing I'd done wrong was that I was 'obsessed with psychology'. Could almost seem a vaguely rational point until I say we met at uni, when I'd just started a degree - anyone like to guess the subject of the degree? grin

Feeling better already!

Karenblixen Sun 30-Mar-14 21:19:37

Curt, not that it's any consolation, but my exP (Toad) told me less than a year ago that he gave me my engagement ring only "for a bit of respectability" and he expected the DCs to laugh at me when he said that. They didn't and they still refuse to see him, not because of this, but because of everything else he did to us.

Today, DD was in tears, because he stole my bicycle in December and still refuses to give it back. She was crying because the Google Picture today was of a mum taking the kids out on their bike, which we obviously could not do. They think he gave my bike to the OW who he got pubic lice from.
I so feel like posting his photo on here.

CurtWild Sun 30-Mar-14 21:31:28

Probably one of the worst moments of my life so far. Not really in the spirit of the thread (already posted a lot of funnier douchebaggery) but I felt a bit low these last couple of days and that dreadful memory has kept replaying amongst some truly wonderful ones. I'm not sure how I managed to recover from that and carry on for another ten months..our DC..his charm and promises..the fact that even after everything I still bloody loved him and held on to how good it could be, how good it should be.
karen sad that he could be so cruel to you..and aw, your poor DD. I hope you've had a lovely mothers day.

Karenblixen Sun 30-Mar-14 21:33:47

And yes, Curt, what is it with the supermarket? Toad went ballistic every time I went to the supermarket unsupervised and suspected I was having an affair, but at the same time he insisted that I went out to the supermarket to buy the things he wanted.

Plus, the typical Mother's Day /birthday dialogue went like this:

Toad: So what's would you like for Mother's Day?
Me: Picture frames would be nice for the drawings of the DCs that we had done a few years ago (I was not allowed to hang up pictures)
Toad:Picture frames? Do you know how much they cost? Do you think I am made of money! Do you think I am a bank? Most people would be happy with a meal out and a card! You are too spoilt, that's what you are! <leaves>

A few days later:
Toad: Have you now decided what you want for Mother's Day?
Me: oh, I'm ok, the DCs are making me cards.
Toad: That's typical, you are such a martyr, then on Mother's Day you will be complaining that you have no presents. You are being so difficult, unbelievable. <leaves>

Just had to get that off my chest.

Karenblixen Sun 30-Mar-14 21:37:54

Yes, we did, thank you, Curt!

In spite of being up all night, as our elderly pet was having a funny turn and I thought it was best to stay up and see to her and told the DCs to get some sleep. She got better and we had a nice and quiet day today and it was our first Mother's Day without the bastard which was great! We ate loads of cake and played games as I was rather tired from being up all night.

CurtWild Sun 30-Mar-14 22:00:16

He never got me anything for mother's day from our DC but then they are very tiny. That sounds like a lovely day, karen, this was our first mothers day without my stbxh too so we spent it with my parents, my brother and his GF.
My mum had got me a card from DC and got the three of them to do a handprint inside smile there was also cake and much noise. Lovely.

JakeAndTheNeverlandFuckwits Sun 30-Mar-14 22:49:28

Well this has turned quite dark, so happy to share one of mine.

Dp used to work for a small publishing company and was involved in producing a one off internet porn mag.

Pornography issues aside, he put my home town and my job description next to a girl with her legs wide open.
I am a mother to his five children.

jammygem Sun 30-Mar-14 23:34:11

XP crashed his car at 4am while drunk, broke both his arms. I don't drive, so had to call his friend to drive me and XP's DS to the hospital to pick him up.

Nurse was in the middle of fiddling with his casts/slings when we arrived at the hospital. The first thing he did was berate me for letting him get so drunk and for daring to look after his DS without him (I didn't force you to down god knows how much vodka and I certainly didn't make you fuck off without warning leaving me to look after your 3yo on the one day of the week you actually get to see him, fucking prick) Then he started shouting about how dare I wake his friend up to pick him up from the hospital?!

The lovely nurse (who knew my situation, having looked after me a couple of times after "tripping over" etc) actually bandaged his two arms together so he spent the next couple of months looking like a Native American chief... It made him even more difficult to deal with than usual, but somehow him looking like a prat made it easier at the same time...

weesazz Sun 30-Mar-14 23:36:34

PedantMarina no sadly it was a failed endeavour.


I remember conversations like those! You made me chuckle - can't believe how much I have forgotten over the years, but this thread has reminded me of just how much of an arse my ex is and was.

For anybody still living in one of these relationships, I hope you find yourself contributing to a thread like this in the future and realising you can actually get through it, out of it and forget parts of it!

weesazz Mon 31-Mar-14 00:31:21

Spot on karenblixen. We are all fortunate to not be in those wretched relationships now, and can only hope that those who are can recognise that it is abuse and take steps to safely get out. Quite a triggering thread though, however it can be very cathartic to talk about our experiences, especially if you haven't really talked about it to others.

kurama Mon 31-Mar-14 00:49:45

vrtra sounds like one of my xbf! missed his bus home first time I met him and had to stay at mine.... safw to say I try very hard to not remember my first timeangry

JupiterGentlefly Mon 31-Mar-14 07:22:38

My nasty ex kept telling me his ex 'looked like Carla from corrie' he was always pointing out attractive women and saying he had been out with them. .. I found out he used to pick random women and just make it up. It wasn't as if I was going to approach them.
oh and 'Carla' well when I eventually saw a photo of her... well let's just say she had dark hair but thats where it stopped

JupiterGentlefly Mon 31-Mar-14 07:23:39

My nasty ex kept telling me his ex 'looked like Carla from corrie' he was always pointing out attractive women and saying he had been out with them. .. I found out he used to pick random women and just make it up. It wasn't as if I was going to approach them.
oh and 'Carla' well when I eventually saw a photo of her... well let's just say she had dark hair but thats where it stopped

Karenblixen Mon 31-Mar-14 09:36:47

I have to be careful not to get too carried away with Toad anecdotes: I refused to have sex with him, due to his affairs, mysterious warts that he kept having removed (yuk) etc. He has recently stated that his wart disease may be due to two tiny birthmarks (mm size) that run in my family and that DF and I have on our foreheads. Toad said they are contagious. grin

But he thought that pubic lice / or body lice or whatever it was he got were not contagious and made a fuss when I insisted that he separated his laundry / did his own laundry after he told me that he got them. And he expected me to deal with that as though it was chickenpox or something like that. In the same way that he always told me to get Canesten cream for him for whatever purposes I still do not dare to think about. He went through huge quantities of the stuff.

I am still gutted about the OW riding my bike, warts and lice and all.

Well done OP for starting this thread! flowers

WisneaMe Tue 01-Apr-14 16:26:04

This I think really stands out how much control he wanted/had over me.

I went to the shops straight after work to get him a Father's Day card and had a wander too, 45mins in I get a phone call from him screaming down the phone for me to get home now.!

I did,he then searched my phone my email and insinuating I was up to no good etc all because I didn't run straight home after work like I usually did.

He still got that Father's Day card but I left him not long after TF!

Santaclaws Wed 02-Apr-14 11:59:10

My friends were all "stuck up and up their own arses" he'd never met any of them btw
In fact everybody in the town I lived was " stuck up" and thought they were better than everyone else

Was vile to me when he had to take me to a walk in centre one evening when we were on holiday because I had a rip roaring urine infection and was peeing blood. It was probably caused by his insistence on sex every day. But I was selfish , it was all about me apparantly

Karenblixen Wed 16-Apr-14 21:35:30

I just saw an advert for Millicano which I will never, ever buy, as every time I made him coffee he whined that it was not Millicano (about ten times per day). XP, the coffee I bought was from Aldi grin.

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Apr-14 22:08:07

Imagine lying down all warm and happy after sex, and your EXP tells you your pelvic bones/hips stick out and remind him of a fresian cow... Ahh that's nice, thanks love , make a girl feel special why don't you confused.

Still I haven't had thrush or a urine infection since he F'd off... So not all bad then

peacoat Wed 16-Apr-14 23:07:54

Ah. Just said final goodbye to the twat tonight. The last straw was this:

He wanted to borrow some (more) money for a deposit for his new place, so we agreed I'd go around to his for dinner - we'd cook Thai together and chat about the loan.

I went to the shop and bought the ingredients and went to his place and waited for him to get home.

He went to the fucking pub with work mates.

redundantandbitter Thu 17-Apr-14 07:48:19

Oh peacoat what a knobby thing to do. Guess you have had plenty of times like that? Hope you went home and cooked gorgeous food for yourself, his loss. And you get to keep your cash.

Well, I have a skip on my drive. This weekend I clear my ex's shite from my cellar. It's been 2 yrs since he moved out. Countless times I've asked him to clear his stuff, though he heard my request as "take what you value and leave the rubbish for me to sort". It's tempting to get it all delivered to his new home in the country (don't forget the chickens) and see how his wife likes it. But I won't.

Pollycracker Thu 17-Apr-14 07:52:41

He tried to "kill himself" by apparently swallowing half a bottle of bleach in my bathroom.

When I went into the bathroom, yes and I could smell bleach, and yes half the bottle was gone, but miraculously he was absolutely fine - never suffered any effects at all!

I have a feeling the bleach went down a plug hole...

PedantMarina Thu 17-Apr-14 07:53:40

peacoat, don't want to sound harsh, but i hope that taught you a lesson in how to behave around how, I.e. don't make "dates", don't loan/give money, don't give him any opp to disappoint you ever again.

but I also agree, at least you got to keep your money. please dear gods, tell me you kept your money!

peacoat Thu 17-Apr-14 09:27:50

redundant and Pedant thank you for validating how poor this behaviour is. I think I've been eased into it with progressive crappiness so I'm a bit desensitised to how bad it is. Yep, I have had plenty of times like this!

He's not getting another penny out of me. He has to cancel his move and look for somewhere else. Unfortunately he still owes me £1100 for bills (and I've forgiven the hundreds I've given him in cash, plus the Macbook Pro he pissed on his sleep and wrote off).

I'm never dating an alcoholic again.

peacoat Thu 17-Apr-14 09:28:11

Oh - I'm not keeping in contact with him. He's gone.

skimpy1983 Wed 07-May-14 16:39:49

Wow, where to start. It is a rather acrimonious split, I left three years ago and still it continues. He wants contact with children, he initiated solicitor, we offered him a contact agreement, and he left the country. Now he is never off the damn emails threatening all sorts, telling me stuff about our past that is made up.

Apparently I drove him to drink. I drove him to leave the house for whole weekends. I drove him to cheat, it was my fault because I wasn't good enough for him.

He told me three years after the separAtion that he cheated, in detail, and it's true, but at the time, no admission of it. He was charged with domestic breach of the peace, but according to him that was me, I drove him to it, and he isn't sorry. Let's not even discuss the countless,other criminal charges, all alcohol related, some even before he met me, but I guess it's easier to blame me.

He doesn't pay maintenance, that is also my fault for asking csa to deal with it, if I hadn't then he says he would have got round to paying eventually.

And I'm also being charged with parental alienation, I'm alienating him from the kids. Yet I offered contact, which was considered and reasonable, and he left the country. Now I'm being obstructive because I'm not willing to talk about Skype.

I guess I can't take any more of the history rewriting or emotional abuse. His new wife which he has known a whole six months and is expecting his child, knows more about my medical history than I do, and thanks me for being so pathetic that I "couldn't keep a good man" so she could have him. Ok luv, I think we will just leave it there, and proceed with this officially, if you ever get the pennies together to issue me with that "supina" you talk about. Pmsl. Feel better now

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