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Positive counselling stories?

(7 Posts)
CakeWillDo Thu 20-Mar-14 17:18:45

Does anyone have positive experiences, where your marriage improved? I understand things are harder when you first start and it takes time to feel the benefit. Did you or your partner manage to make a successful change to the damaging behaviour, permanently?
Equally did anyone have the experience, that counselling simply highlighted that the relationship should end?
My experience so far is that DH has been rather selfish through our marriage. He still holds the same opinions but accepts they are wrong and he is working on his behaviour towards me. Things are calmer but I'm very concerned that this may not be permanent. Can someone really change that much because they are on the verge of losing a relationship, when nothing was done to change selfish actions before?

Sk002 Thu 20-Mar-14 19:29:43

The biggest thing I got from couples counselling was closure.
For years I wanted him to apologise for all the family events he ruined by not taking part, sulking or just generally being an arse. I wanted that apology so bad. I wanted him to realise how he had ruined those special events for me (christenings, birthdays, births, babies, weddings etc). From what came out in counselling I realised he had no clue about any of that stuff, or how important those events are. He is a loner who does not value any social interaction. So there was no point in him apologising as he wouldn't understand what he was saying sorry for .
The moment I realised that, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I had spent years trying to make a family with a man who doesn't like people. I wasn't mad. He fought me every step of the way as I tried to have a normal family.

Counselling made me realise we have no future as he will not change. It has put me on the path to a new better life.

Sk002 Thu 20-Mar-14 21:06:35

The biggest thing I got from couples counselling was closure.
For years I wanted him to apologise for all the family events he ruined by not taking part, sulking or just generally being an arse. I wanted that apology so bad. I wanted him to realise how he had ruined those special events for me (christenings, birthdays, births, babies, weddings etc). From what came out in counselling I realised he had no clue about any of that stuff, or how important those events are. He is a loner who does not value any social interaction. So there was no point in him apologising as he wouldn't understand what he was saying sorry for .
The moment I realised that, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I had spent years trying to make a family with a man who doesn't like people. I wasn't mad. He fought me every step of the way as I tried to have a normal family.

Counselling made me realise we have no future as he will not change. It has put me on the path to a new better life.

MadameLeBean Thu 20-Mar-14 21:11:46

Don't think you can change other people but it's amazing how much it takes 2 to tango. I got counselling for myself, totally transformed our relationship because I felt more assertive and confident, he felt less defensive and now he listens and acknowledges my feelings loads better.. We almost split up cos resentments had built up and couldn't see eye to eye. But we both wanted the same thing ultimately and although he can be selfish he is now more aware and puts others first more often than before, because he has the space to do so, people will push back if they feel forced .

What I am saying is it ultimately needs to come from him - he has to WANT to think about your needs over his sometimes / when necessary

CakeWillDo Fri 21-Mar-14 08:29:24

Sk002- My story sounds quite similar to yours and I have got the feeling I should just walk away. Although DH has finally after 4 1/2 years listened and said thay he will change how he is to give me what I need. Did you ex make any promises or just fight you?

I am considering going to counselling alone to gain a more positive persective. Already it has been said, by Dh, that I'm only seeing the negative in our relationship. I resent that, as I have has my feelings ignored for years and he's all of a sudden ready to not be so selfish. But He is right, so I will try and have faith in him and his actions as well as remember more positive points to our relationship. How were the resentments put to bed for good?

Sk002 Fri 21-Mar-14 14:11:10

Hi Cake, after he abandoned counselling he told me he knew what he needed to do to get us back on track. But he hasn't got a clue, thinks cooking a few meals will do.
When counsellor asked him if I had ever told him I was not happy and we had problems, he said I had said it but he thought I didn't really mean it because I was always moaning about stuff. She said "So you chose not to listen?". He reluctantly agreed.
That one could selling session settled my issues. I realised he was who he was, that would never change. I had chose to stay with him for many years and that bit is my fault.
I just feel sad now about all the crap stuff that went on, not resentful. I keep looking forward and know he is not part of my future.

Sk002 Fri 21-Mar-14 14:12:48

I forgot to say he fought me on everything until the day I told him my family were aware of our prob. Then he took me serious and agreed to counselling.

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