Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Getting sexy back after baby?(12 Posts)
Since DS was born 19 months ago I've really lost my mojo. Sex was always a big part of the relationship DH and I had, but since baby I seem to have lost all interest, and my very patient DH is feeling very down about it.
I think there's lots of factors - BFing DS for a year means I seem to associate boob with baby, a traumatic birth played havoc with the lady-parts, DS is still variable in his sleeping, we're in the constant gerbil run of domestic tasks, I've had PND..
We do have dates out, but we've never had a night away from DS - we don't have any family close by. At the end of dates there's always babysitter to deal with etc which seems to kill a bit of the passion!
I adore DH and I really want to change thing so we are a couple again, not just exhausted Mummy and Daddy. Sometimes we feel more like best friend/flat mates rather than husband and wife.
Please everyone - any advice or tips on how to find your inner sex goddess after baby??
Can't advise I'm afraid but I'm right with you. The boob breastfeeding thing is a big one for me. Listening up...
Not sure about advice and tips but I really do feel for you.
Weather the storm, you are gonna have to be Mummy and Daddy for a while yet before you can start being sex goddess and sex god again.
One of the most important things we found was to have a solid bedtime routine with our DS's it all started at 6:00pm (ish) Dinner - quiet time - bath time - bedtime story - bed.
Routine finishes at no later than 7:30 - 8:00
Then it was our time if we wanted. It was these times, epecially at weekends when we would have our date nights, we would both dress up, someyimes I would cook, sometimes we would both cook, candle light dinner, movie, bed.
PND is a terrible thing, I hope this is better.
Things will get better I promise, you both need to be patient and equally you both need to set Husband and Wife time aside and make an effort.
It will be worth it in the end
You need time to yourself. Right now you probably feel there's always some chore that needs dealing with or someone who needs something from you. While I'm sure you love DS and DH and don't mind giving them attention at all, it's vital that you give yourself some too. That means having time to lounge in the bath, see a friend (without DS in tow), enjoy an interest you had before DS, etc.
Until you feel like you, as opposed to wife/mother, you won't recapture that part of you that has an interest in sex IMO. To establish a'connection with someone else you have to be an individual, not a role. But you could try banning the TV so that you have to talk, or playing board games instead of doing chores - anything that makes you interact together rather than zone out together will help.
It will probably come back naturally with time. These early years are hard and leave little time for individuality. Your DH sounds like a nice guy so I'm sure you'll work through it.
I have a 10month old littlelionman, and I had a horrendous birth with associated PTSD and my OCD and anxiety rocketed up. Seeing a wonderful therapist has saved me.
And, I am getting my mojo back. I feel really sexy and sexual again. One thing that has really helped is spending some time on my own, away from the children and DH. Exercising, a few treats like my nails, facials, my hair, library, some long term work projects. Taking an hour or two to visit museums, galleries. Some me time. I make sure I always have something to look forward to, no matter how small. I feel I am getting reconnected to be me again. No just the wife and mother. My DH looks at me with admiration and pride and that is a bit of an aphrodisiac.
So OP, is there any possibility of you having time for yourself while your DH caring for your little one?
Definitely time for you, so you don't just feel like 'mum'. New clothes/underwear etc if you can stretch to it, so you feel like a catch!
My DDs have both been shit sleepers and also co slept. We got round that by having random quickies in other rooms! Sex in a bed before going to sleep would be truly exotic!!
And I hear you with the bf - I can't bear him touching my nipples, but that wasn't something I ever got off on anyway, so no loss.
Sex toys - just for my own use, not with him. Just to feel more like a sexual being! And also, though I know this is not for everyone, a bit of porn or erotic fiction, again - just for me, to get me in the mood o to feel sexy generally.
Thank you for all the replies.
I do need to get some more time to myself, and make it a priority. It's been easy to put DS first, then DH, work, house etc etc..
My identity got really lost in baby, and with it sexy got lost too. And I'm getting impatient now! I kind of assumed 'normal' would return faster.
I miss my old boobs
Breastfeeding def makes it tricky. We are in the same boat as you with regard to family but we have got into the routine of friday night dates at home once the kids are snoozing. Candles, nice glass of wine, all the usual. Tbh we plan it! It makes for a great build up.
In the wider sense i second finding time for you. Its actually really about reconnecting to your old self, and settling into new aspects of how you see yourself. I really honestly get what you are saying. I think its only now my baby is 18 months old that i feel im getting back to myself. Its been a long bloody haul!
Time to yourself is important and so is reconnecting with your "new" body and accepting it. It's different and strange and probably doesn't feel fully "yours" anymore. Get to know it. Look aat it and touch it. IME swimming and running are great for making you feel strong and fit and helping you to appreciate your body again.
Are you still bf or finished? I found when bf I had no sex drive at all, as soon as I weaned things started to pick up again (and ended up pregnant straight away too!) . Also I dunno if I'm the only one who found this but (sorry if tmi) but we had to use artificial lube when I was bf which kind of kills the mood bit too.
Would agree with the other posters about spending more time on you and treat yourself to some me time whatever it may be that you enjoy.
I stopped Breastfeeding about 6 months ago but can't seem to get past the association with baby.. And I was sure that it was killing my libido but stopping didn't change anything.
I like the idea of doing things to make my body feel good. I used to run a lot and I'm thinking getting back in to it would be an idea. And nice endorphins..
Thanks for all the ideas and supportive comments, really helps.
Set yourself a budget and one day a month to go and have some time to yourself. A beauty treatment, mooch around the shops. Coffee reading a magazine. Ask your dh to have the baby and to make sure the house is sorted on your return. Then no jobs, put baby to bed, relax, some wine and just chill.
I have 4dc and the above kept me going. But you have to make it happen with support of dh.
Join the discussion
Please login first.