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Trial Separations

(9 Posts)
RainbowDashMustDie Thu 20-Mar-14 13:47:04

Have nc as I don't want outing.

So back story is that dh had an affair close to 2 years ago. We've tried to plaster over the cracks but I still can't get over it.

I've decided that I want a trial separation for a year. That way we both can have our own space and figure stuff out. Whilst he is here its too easy to just get on with looking after dc's and work. Basically feels like we are pretending.

I feel like we each need to sort our own stuff out alone before we can even look at working stuff out together.

This is the last ditch attempt at saving things. I need him out of the house so I can think. There is definitely marriage worth saving underneath it all. I just want to say we tried everything.

Anyone had experience of this? Anything I should look out for?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 14:20:00

I'd fully support what you're doing because it's clear you do need time to think rather than carrying on as if noting has happened. Plastering over cracks and pretending is a really quick way to smash your confidence and self-esteem. What I would say however is not to go into it with the assumption that there's a marriage worth saving. You have a life worth saving.... you personally..... and whether that's together or apart some time to yourself to properly recover from is betrayal is going to enable you to work out which. Good luck.

MrsKermittSmith Fri 21-Mar-14 10:14:07

Have to worked out any rules for the separation? How will it work financially and with child care and living arrangements? Will you both be dating and free to sleep with other people or living apart but essentially faithful?

newlifeforme Fri 21-Mar-14 11:00:40

I think it's a good idea. My marriage started to fall apart a couple of years ago when H let me down. I asked for a separation but instead of taking action we just drifted. Nothing was resolved so the arguments got worse and the compassion and kindness disappeared. I think a trial separation may have helped HAD we continued to talk whilst separated. This is key - if he is resentful for moving out and won't have dialogue then nothing will be fixed.

BeforeAndAfter Fri 21-Mar-14 12:01:15

I agree with Kermitt. You must establish ground rules if you live apart on the basis of saving the marriage. You might be thinking your doing this for the greater good of your relationship but your H might just think it's a slow fade out of the marriage (or vice versa). It would be gutting to think one thing and then find out the other one was playing the field and thus detaching from the other with little hope of reconciliation. If he is living somewhere else though, would you actually trust him? I couldn't trust my ex when he lived under my nose after his affair let alone if he'd lived somewhere else.

RainbowDashMustDie Fri 21-Mar-14 12:19:02

I do trust him weirdly enough. We have ground rules. Childcare all sorted. The kids won't even know we're not together (very young dc's) Monthly talks to see how things are going. He knows this isn't a free pass to shag about. He's not that sort anyway tbh.

He had one drunken night with a colleague who had a one sided emotional affair with. She loved him, I've seen countless messages from him basically telling her that he was married and didn't feel the same way. He loved the attention however and didn't think to tell me about any of it and he let it go waaaaay too far on a business trip. I saw the emails that followed that night
He'd made the biggest mistake of his life blah blah blah. She left the company and hasn't contacted him since. She did however let me know all the juicy details.

Its the fact that he hid it all from me that I just can't let go of. Stupid one night stand is forgivable. Its the entire build up where he knew how she felt and continued to work closely with her and all without telling me just for a fucking ego boost.

I'm fully prepared that there might not be anything left to save. I've even prepared for the fact that he might realise he prefers being alone too. I just need him out for now.

MrsKermittSmith Fri 21-Mar-14 13:36:03

That sounds horrible, two different types of betrayal.

Sounds like a good plan to me. I would want him to know you expect him to stay faithful, physically and emotionally, and that the goal is to see if you both want a future together.

Can I make a suggestions? As well as monthly talks about your marriage also go on dates, cinema, theater, a thing where you don't run out of conversation, where you don't talk about your stuff but just spend time together, I cringe at the terminology, but a 'date night'. I think it might help.

Dahlen Fri 21-Mar-14 13:53:25

I think a trial separation is a great idea. Often one person uses it as a cover for splitting up rather than admit that a full and final separation is what they want, but in your case it sounds as though you intend to use it for some productive thinking time. I think it will benefit both of you.

If he will respect your need for space and agree to it amicably, to me that's the strongest indication that you have a marriage worth saving that you could get.

I agree very much with Kermitt that you schedule in date nights as well as meetings to discuss things. You need to see if the chemistry and connection are still there, as well as seeing if you like life apart, otherwise you won't be able to work out which you prefer. If you only ever meet on serious talking terms, you'll forget to have fun with each other, decide to split for good and possibly come to regret it. If you have date nights too, you are making a much more informed choice. However, if they feel strained or you just don't want to, you should stop them IMO.

Good luck.

worsestershiresauce Fri 21-Mar-14 15:48:08

I split with my DH after his affair, and it is probably the main reason that now we are back together again it works.

We basically did what Dahlen recommends, and went on dates. It was fun actually. For the main part I lived the single life, rebuilt my confidence, career prospects and friendship circle, and when I met up with DH we just had a laugh. I was happy on my own, but we did reconnect and make friends again, and now I feel like I'm on a second better marriage.

If I hadn't had that time on my own I think the whole affair thing would have consumed me as I wouldn't have spent the time regaining my confidence and independence. I also wouldn't have learnt that I would be happy on my own. Once you know that, you know you aren't staying together for the wrong reasons.

My advice is go for it, and use the time for you. PS don't fall into the trap of cooking for him and washing his clothes. I mean that seriously!

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