I could really use some MN wisdom on this one. I will try to avoid an essay of epic proportions but don’t want to drip-feed either.
DH and I are both expats from the same country, married and in the UK 10+ years, 2 primary-aged DCs born here. We came for work reasons, and are both now in quite specialised jobs that are not easy to transplant elsewhere. We started off doing similar jobs in the same field, then post DCs I took a sideways move to what is essentially the same job (minus some key responsibilities), but much lower paid.
Last week DH was told about a work financial decision which means that he will almost certainly be made redundant when his current contract runs out in 18 months’ time. The decision has been made outside his organisation, with no possibility of negotiation or appeal. There is no scope to do the same job elsewhere in the city we live in, so to stay in the UK he either has to do a somewhat different version of his job (which he doesn’t want to do) or move cities (which he also doesn’t want to do). So he is now seriously considering moving back to our home country, and by coincidence is being headhunted for a job there (though not in the same city as family) that he would now like to take.
The problem is that I really, really don’t want to go with him. And at the moment I can’t see a solution to this problem that will have a happy outcome.
There is (inevitably) a backstory to this. Very happy early years of marriage despite DH’s workaholic tendencies and occasional red flags waving in the wind that I didn’t recognise for what they were. Increasing inequality of roles in our relationship after DC1 (i.e. me responsible for 95% of all things domestic and childcare despite both of us working full time), worse still after DC2. Self-centred and controlling behaviour and low-grade EA from DH, mainly directed at protecting his lifestyle/working time (often at the expense of mine). Sex-life nose-dived after DC1 and non-existent since DC2 conceived (4+ years ago).
A year ago, after 6 months of increasingly irritable and distant behaviour, he admitted to a 2-year infatuation with a junior employee at work. He mooned around like a lovesick teenager, reading poetry ostentatiously and going for long drives in the middle of the night (e.g. London to the Midlands, without telling me where he was going) so that he could “clear his head”. He only told me about it after he told her – feelings were not reciprocated, she reported him to superiors and the shit very nearly hit the fan job-wise then. I was devastated, weirdly (to me) not so much that he had a crush on another woman, but that he would be so selfish as to expend enormous amounts of time and emotional energy on something other than his wife and family. It was like waking up from a coma – I looked at my life and marriage and thought “How the f**k did I get here? How did I get to the point where this is my life?”. I didn’t ask him to leave, mainly because it wasn’t financially feasible, but I wanted to. Initially he seemed to accept responsibility for his behaviour, but fairly rapidly moved on to anger and complaints against work colleagues who hadn’t taken his side over this episode.
Since then I have done a lot of thinking and reading (books, lots of MN relationships threads). I had some individual counselling for a couple of months which was helpful in terms of an outlet for venting. I have worked hard at changing the way I respond to DH’s EA behaviour – I am now much better at recognising it for what it is and I just don’t allow him to push my buttons any more, with the result that we haven’t rowed in months (previously regular quite heated arguments which the DCs sometimes heard). I have taken back control over some aspects of life that were arranged in ways beneficial to him but detrimental to me. However these changes have required enormous amounts of mental and emotional effort, and unfortunately in detaching from the worst of DH’s behaviour, I have found that I am detaching from him emotionally in a more general sense. He, on the other hand, does not (by his own admission) consider he’s done much wrong, and has made fairly small improvements in his input to family life (changes which he clearly resents and thinks should be more than enough). He has become increasingly negative about almost everything in life, seems to take no pleasure in anything (but told by dr that he is not depressed).
I thought we had time to try to work on things, to improve our communication, but this job issue has brought things to a head.
If DH goes overseas and I stay, there will be serious repercussions which will mainly impact upon DCs. DCs would have little contact with their father – how will that affect them? I couldn’t afford to take on our current mortgage by myself, so DCs and I would need to move to a cheaper area. I couldn’t afford to keep DCs at their (fee-paying) school, so they would have to leave their lovely school where they are happy and thriving. What if I can’t find somewhere I can afford to live as a single parent that also has decent schools? All my family live in my home country, which is long and very expensive plane flight away – it is unlikely that I would be able to afford to take the DCs back there very often. Is it fair to deprive them of contact with their extended family? I have acquaintance-type friends but no close friends, which coupled with lack of family means that I don’t have much of a support network – who would look after the DCs if I got ill?
On the other hand, if we all move overseas, finances, housing, schooling, family support will all be better, but my job prospects will be uncertain. And I just know that if I move countries against my will I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life. Equally, I don’t want to force DH to stay here and have him regret it forever.
I just don’t know what to do. I am confused and daunted and terrified by the prospect of single-parent life with limited money and support, but have a growing gut feeling that this is what will end up happening. Or should I suck it up and move countries because that will give the DCs the best life - am I just being selfish in contemplating staying (I am conscious that there are a lot of “I”s in my post)? I can bear it if I have a crap life because of a decision I make. I really, really can’t bear the idea that the DCs might have a crap life because of my decision.
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Relationships
Stay or go - what is the right thing to do?
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MrBusterIPresume · 20/03/2014 13:38
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