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Emotional Affair

(23 Posts)
Threecats Thu 20-Mar-14 13:29:24

Hi, i am new to all this and came across this site trying to help myself thro this difficult time. I have been having an emotional affair via text for two months but now he is refusing to text me or anything and like so many others i am left feeling desolate. I cant move on, he is all i think about all day and night. I never meant for this to happen and never went looking for it. We met on a game online and soon we swapped mobile numbers and began texting as friends. This was so much fun, we told each other everything, what we were up to etc, weather, sport, music, everything really. Soon it progressed and became more intimate, again i felt good with it. Occasionally he went quiet for a few days and i was sent berserk by this, texting him a lot asking what the problem was etc. Last time he came back i told him if he did it again it would be over cos i couldnt cope with it. He said he was sorry and promised never to do it again. We swapped pics and enjoyed a flirty relationship which went a abit further at times. Two weeks ago i received a text from him saying he wanted to got back to being friends, i was upset and told him so but the next day i realised ok, he is prob right. That day my dad was rushed into hosp and i text him saying what had happened and nothing! I was upset by this and again text him (i know too many begging texts!!) saying so numerous times but nothing. That weekend i logeed into my online game and had a message from him. All it said was I love You. I couldnt believe it as he was refusing to text me. Again feeling i deserved an explanation i text asking how he could send something like that when he was refusing to talk. But nothing. That was two weeks ago now and have only text him few times in that period, once now in five days, but nothing. I would prefer it if he just said get lost but the not knowing is killing me. i miss him so much and want him back but i just cant get him to talk. Dont understand the love you message. My head is so confused, all i think of is him, i cry, i dont sleep,cant concentrate on my family. cos we spoke about everything, everything reminds me of him, songs, football, i really feel so low. Does anyone have some advice, or has anyone been thro this. My friend tells me i have to move on but i just cant. Sorry for the long message.

meditrina Thu 20-Mar-14 13:36:51

No, I don't understand the "I love you" message (assuming it was meant for you, not another player).

His actions are however demonstrating very clearly what you term a get lost" message.

Sorry to be blunt, but this isn't "not knowing", it's clinging to a blind hope that it could be anything other than what, to the outsider, it so obviously is.

You friend is right. You can do better than him.

onetiredmummy Thu 20-Mar-14 13:42:15

Does he have a wife or a partner, possibly one that you don't know about who has found your texts? If this is the case then he would have had to make a decision & if he's not contacting you then he might well have promised not to text you again & is trying to make a go of it with his girlfriend. The girlfriend would have said that if he spoke to you again it was over, or something similar. She may even be reading your texts or he could have changed his phone number.

Also if your affair has been solely by text then I think its very easy to endow the man with qualities that he doesn't possess & very quickly make him into your ideal one & only man, which may not be the case. If you don't spend any RL time with him then you don't have to put up with the shit of everyday life & can make up a fantasy life that bears no resemblance to the man himself, if you see what I mean.

If he doesn't have a girlfriend then you're possibly sending too many texts, you sound a bit full on. I've had a few emotional affairs & that many texts would put me off, one of the points of text sex & the like is that there are no strings & nobody gets clingy or desperate. Its not real life, its just a bit of fun.

Its probably time to realise that its over & stop texting him. It can be difficult to move on but it will become easier in time & its not worth stopping your life for. Just keep in mind that it wasn't a real life relationship & that you can do it again with someone else if you want x

Threecats Thu 20-Mar-14 13:50:35

Thanks you two, i know it must seem like its over to an outsider but i just cant seem to move on. Yes he does have a girlfriend but like me he deleted all texts as they came in and i think in the early days when we were just friends she knew he texted me whereas my husband never knew. It was so exciting and so much fun and came out of the blue, never done anything like this before and wont again cos its left me a shadow of my former self. I just cant move on. I never thought i would get so emotionally involved and it feels like a real break up (worse actually), i am not a needy desperate person usually but can see i have prob come across that way with him and if i had my time with him over again i would have played it a whole lot differently. But seems i have lost him now and actually all i want is him back as friends or whatever.

Borntobeamum Thu 20-Mar-14 14:21:14

You're married?
I think you need to listen to his texts.
There aren't any?
Then it's over!
Stop stalking him.
Put the time and effort into your marriage instead.

HollyBrrr Thu 20-Mar-14 14:23:11

What borntobeamum said. Stop mooning over someone you've never actually met and put your time and energy into your marriage.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 14:24:59

Don't know what age you are but honestly, grow up, stop stalking the guy, he wasn't and never was interested. Sorry to sound harsh but you really need to get yourself a life and a b/f that's actually not in a relationship.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 14:32:09

Jeezo, just read you're actually married, definitely grow up!

onetiredmummy Thu 20-Mar-14 14:32:11

Perhaps threecats you also need to look at your marriage. Was the affair giving you something that your husband doesn't? Are you still happy with him? brew

BinarySolo Thu 20-Mar-14 14:34:17

You were playing second life were you? There was a documentary about people having emotional affairs after meeting through this game. Thing is, it rarely ended well. There were a couple of singles that had started relationships but those already in relationships seemed to dwindle once they met.

Being brutally honest, you sound a bit immature to have invested so much into this when you already have a family. You sound as though you're a bit intense. Do you really believe he loves you when you've never even met and done day to day things together? I think as someone else said, you've totally romanticised this man and you're relationship and you need to let go and move on.

BinarySolo Thu 20-Mar-14 14:36:56

Sorry that first sentence should have read: you weren't playing second life were you?

blueshoes Thu 20-Mar-14 14:42:13

You've scared him off. It was never meant to be anything more than a distraction but you took this way too seriously. You are not playing the game by the rules. I suggest you stop playing because you are overinvesting.

wannaBe Thu 20-Mar-14 14:42:22

firstly, it wasn't real, you've been living a fantasy for the past two months based on text messages. It's very easy too fall for someone online because they only let you see the bits you want to see, tell you the things you want to hear, make you feell special and incredible and if you fancy a bit of time away you just switch off your computer/mobile and voila they're gone. And similarly if they want too end it all they have to do is block your number and voila, you're gone.

This man wasn't real. He was a name on a screen, nothing more. And at night when he wasn't texting you he was having sex with his girlfriend. Real sex, not just words on a screen, because that's all it was.

You were a name on a screen to him, nothing more. He doesn't love you, he never loved you, he loved the fantasy, the ego boost you gave him, and to be blunt, you never loved him either, because it's not possible to love someone you've never even spoken to in person let alone never met.

There's no such thing as can't move on. You don't actually have a choice. He doesn't want you, your little fantasy is over and now it's time to get back to reality and assess what you want with your life, and more importantly, your marriage.

Threecats Thu 20-Mar-14 14:54:54

Crikey, U have all made me feel a bit ridiculous. I never went looming for this. He instigated each step, I didn't but was of course happy with the situation. Yes I have got too involved and intense, I am the first to admit that. And yes I was fairly happy in my life before this but not so sure now, but guess time will heal that as there are no underlying issues. Sorry guess I just got caught up in the moment. I know I have to move on but its hard. As I said I would rather he was honest with me than hiding behind the no contact thing. But perhaps your words have woken me up a bit even tho i did find some of them bit hard to take. Thanks all.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 15:39:49

You are talking like you are a single woman free to date who you wish, when in fact you are married, not once have you mentioned the hurt and betrayal and sneaking about you have done to your OH.

Unreal and you are looking for honesty, seriously???

itwillgetbettersoon Thu 20-Mar-14 15:52:45

I'm afraid he doesn't owe you any explanation. What you have done is no different to online dating. Online dating all starts with text messages going backwards and forwards. However until one actually meets the other person in real life there really is no relationship, friendship or anything. You cannot get emotionally involved with an online friend as you really don't know a thing about them. You just have to walk away - it was nothing to him and you have read far too much into it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 20-Mar-14 16:34:27

Ok OP. You have your answer from this man. He's not going to get in touch with you again and I think you know that. He doesn't want to be friends with you anymore and actually, you weren't friends, you didn't even know him.

What you should do now is take stock of your life and decide where your dissatisfaction lies because that is real. If your marriage needs work then put the time in. Start doing some things that are new for you and your husband and make the effort to make your life with him happier. If you can't (and I don't think you should make the decision now), then split and enter the dating scene again when you're ready.

Now this game... I haven't heard of it before and I'm not going to log on to see what it is. It sounds like you spent a lot of time online and built up almost a new person's life. It wasn't and isn't real. Put it behind you. Log off it and, if you must play a game online, find ones that require no other interaction... Mahjong? Gin Rummy? Do some real life activities with friends, family or your husband.

Do not contact this man again, he must be cringing everytime he gets a text from you or worse, laughing at you. Don't give him that. Don't give him anything again. He wasn't a real person to you, treat him as if he never existed. Give yourself a day or two to wallow if you must and then yes, move on... it never happened. You're a bit older and wiser after the event and you won't let yourself get into this situation again. Delete him from your phone and from your life... you can do it!

offside Thu 20-Mar-14 16:53:54

You should stop being so selfish and start thinking about your DH who you have most likely neglected throughout all of this. Hopefully you don't have any DC as they too would have been neglected.

I have no sympathy, as someone else said, grow up.

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 17:17:03

Your poor DH. I was the partner of someone caught up on the 'thrill' of an emotional affair, I'd be shocked if your husband doesn't realise something's been amiss while you've been swooning over you OM. And now you'll be mooching around, long faced, 'pining' for the fantasy you had, meanwhile your husband probably thinks this is his fault. Grow up. You come accross like you're single. You're a married woman who made a commitment. If there's a problem with your marriage either work at it or walk away.

Barbados01 Thu 20-Mar-14 18:15:02

This is madness how can you be in love with someone uv never met. Iv just come out of a emotional affair where I used to see the guy twice a week and we'd kiss hug but didn't sleep together, I can't understand how you can miss someone uv never seen .

myroomisatip Thu 20-Mar-14 18:26:27

Oh dear.

Well my thoughts on this are:

It isn't real unless you have actually met him.

You have not had to deal with his pimply face, his bad breath, his nose hair, his bad temper or whatever.

All you know is what he is portraying to you, which could be a million miles from the truth.

You are painting a picture of something/someone you want to see but it is probably very far from reality.

I can understand how easy it can be to get involved in a situation like this but it cannot bring you happiness. Please cut him out of your life totally and focus on what is real.

Threecats Thu 20-Mar-14 18:28:03

I never said I was in love with him. It was his message that said he loved me even tho he wont talk to me.also we did have plans to meet up but obviously that gone now. I guess I miss the excitement and yes I do miss him but I never said I loved him. I know what I have done is wrong but I never neglected anyone as one person said.

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 18:34:18

OP are you saying then that if he hadn't stopped contacting you, then these plans to meet up would have gone ahead? Do you even acknowledge you've already cheated on your husband by having an emotional affair?

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