Okay, this might be long.
Two years ago I accidentally got pregnant while on the pill. DP and I didn't live together at the time but we were starting to get serious. He was happy about the pregnancy and although it was a shock to both of us we started planning for the future.
Then three days later I miscarried.
When I started miscarrying, I was at my house and DP was with his DD and they were both spending the night at his mum's house on the other side of town.
I called him at about 11pm from the hospital and asked him to meet me there. He said he couldn't leave DD (even though they were at his mum's so she would've been fine). When I got angry and asked him why not, he blahed on about not wanting DD (then 4 y/o) to wake up and wonder where he was/couldn't leave DD with his mum at such short notice, etc. I was made to feel like I was being out of order asking him to 'choose' me over his DD, so I told him it was okay and that I'd call a friend, which I did.
He eventually picked me up the following afternoon, but not before he'd met his dad (whom he only sees once a year due to incredibly complicated history I won't go into here). When he picked me up he still had DD with him so I had to pretend I was fine all the way back to his place. Once we got there I shut myself in the bedroom alone and sobbed my heart out, while he hung out with DD in the front room.
Somehow we got through it. Mainly by me telling myself that I was selfish and unreasonable to expect him to leave his DD and come to be with me. And repeating the old MN mantra to myself that if I'm going to be involved with a man with a child then I'm not always going to come first, etc, etc.
Now two years later DP and I live together and have our own newborn DD. We are very happy and I feel very lucky to have such a beautiful family.
But... But, every now and again I think about that time and feel huge resentment towards DP and by extension DSD, for making my miscarriage so much harder and more lonely than it needed to be.
I can be fine for ages and then something like DP agreeing to have DSD for an un scheduled night without asking me just brings it all to the surface again.
Last week his ex's puppy died and she was 'too sad' to have DSD so DP agreed to have her without consulting me first. For some reason it's made me livid. Probably because my miscarriage was a hell of a lot sadder than a puppy dying, yet I couldn't say I didn't want DSD around.
I ended up having a totally unprovoked go at DP last night and ranted at him prettying from the time he got home until I went to bed. I know that I was being unreasonable and today I feel awful. DP has apologised loads of times and admitted he handled it wrong and made a mistake. So why can't I just let it go and move on? I don't know what I need to happen in order for me to do that.
I also am extremely hormonal having just had a baby, so that might have something to do with it. Any thoughts or perspectives are welcome. I don't want to be digging up the same old shit in years to come.