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I can't stop dragging this up and I'm being a bitch.

(61 Posts)
TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway Thu 20-Mar-14 12:06:35

Testing...

TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway Thu 20-Mar-14 12:25:32

Okay, this might be long.

Two years ago I accidentally got pregnant while on the pill. DP and I didn't live together at the time but we were starting to get serious. He was happy about the pregnancy and although it was a shock to both of us we started planning for the future.

Then three days later I miscarried.

When I started miscarrying, I was at my house and DP was with his DD and they were both spending the night at his mum's house on the other side of town.

I called him at about 11pm from the hospital and asked him to meet me there. He said he couldn't leave DD (even though they were at his mum's so she would've been fine). When I got angry and asked him why not, he blahed on about not wanting DD (then 4 y/o) to wake up and wonder where he was/couldn't leave DD with his mum at such short notice, etc. I was made to feel like I was being out of order asking him to 'choose' me over his DD, so I told him it was okay and that I'd call a friend, which I did.

He eventually picked me up the following afternoon, but not before he'd met his dad (whom he only sees once a year due to incredibly complicated history I won't go into here). When he picked me up he still had DD with him so I had to pretend I was fine all the way back to his place. Once we got there I shut myself in the bedroom alone and sobbed my heart out, while he hung out with DD in the front room.

Somehow we got through it. Mainly by me telling myself that I was selfish and unreasonable to expect him to leave his DD and come to be with me. And repeating the old MN mantra to myself that if I'm going to be involved with a man with a child then I'm not always going to come first, etc, etc.

Now two years later DP and I live together and have our own newborn DD. We are very happy and I feel very lucky to have such a beautiful family.

But... But, every now and again I think about that time and feel huge resentment towards DP and by extension DSD, for making my miscarriage so much harder and more lonely than it needed to be.

I can be fine for ages and then something like DP agreeing to have DSD for an un scheduled night without asking me just brings it all to the surface again.

Last week his ex's puppy died and she was 'too sad' to have DSD so DP agreed to have her without consulting me first. For some reason it's made me livid. Probably because my miscarriage was a hell of a lot sadder than a puppy dying, yet I couldn't say I didn't want DSD around.

I ended up having a totally unprovoked go at DP last night and ranted at him prettying from the time he got home until I went to bed. I know that I was being unreasonable and today I feel awful. DP has apologised loads of times and admitted he handled it wrong and made a mistake. So why can't I just let it go and move on? I don't know what I need to happen in order for me to do that.

I also am extremely hormonal having just had a baby, so that might have something to do with it. Any thoughts or perspectives are welcome. I don't want to be digging up the same old shit in years to come.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 12:46:59

You're not being a bitch necessarily but you clearly haven't resolved your feelings about the events surrounding the miscarriage and there's a lot of resentment left behind. He was quite wrong to prioritise his little girl over you on that occasion, there were lots of ways he could have handled it better and, even though he has apologised, it doesn't change the knowledge that he let you down. I think you still fell second-best/low-priority and therefore insecure in the relationship as a result. That's why you're still angry and that's the part he has to work harder to fix...

amverytired Thu 20-Mar-14 12:47:00

The reason you keep bringing it up is probably because you still haven't managed to talk it through and felt that you have been heard.
And you are hormonal. Nothing wrong with that!

Ok, you've ranted, but have you really said how you felt about it?
Do you think it might be a trigger for some other time in your life where you have felt let down by someone significant?

Your feelings are valid, hormonal or not. Perhaps you might think about some sort of counselling to get to the bottom of it?

TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway Thu 20-Mar-14 12:58:53

I think you still fell second-best/low-priority and therefore insecure in the relationship as a result.

Yes there is some truth in this.

Whenever he agrees to have DSD for extra nights I immediately interpret it as him doing a favour for his ex so that she gets what she wants. Whereas he just looks at it as bonus time with DSD.

I need to figure a way to recalibrate how I look at it all. Because right now I jump straight to: 'we'll as long as you and the ex are happy with what you've arranged, doesn't matter what I think, I'll just go along with it.'

And DP can't understand why I'm not just happy that we've got more time with DSD.

To be honest I don't really understand it either.

TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway Thu 20-Mar-14 13:00:13

I've considered counselling but logistically, how do you go to a counselling session when you've got a newborn and no one to help out? (Family are few and far away.)

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 13:06:18

Sorry but he wouldn't come to support you when you were losing the baby you'd both made, that's actually unforgiveable so no, YNBU, surprised you wanted to even be with him after that, ridiculous, he clearly didn't give a fuck.

What's not to understand, he sees his DD and thinks it's alright to not even check with you first re plans. Sorry, but you're way down on any list of priorities.

You're bringing it up cos it was never resolved and even now it doesn't sound like you're that important to him.

Yes his DD will be a priority but common manners and courtesy towards you should also be.

TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway Thu 20-Mar-14 13:15:44

At the time I was only a year in to the relationship and was trying really hard not to upset DSD and be sensitive to the fact that he had a child, etc. In doing that I probably went too far in the other direction and gave the message that I was fine with always coming last and no, I didn't mind if he had to cancel our plans because his ex has asked him to have DSD again.

But I've just sat on all that resentment and now and again it bubbles up and I think that actually, yes I did fucking mind.

SirRaymondClench Thu 20-Mar-14 13:20:37

Have you posted about this before OP?

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 13:21:26

Of course you did, sorry but that was disgusting what he did to you, I'm not surprised you are sitting on 2 years worth of resentment.

Now, this doesn't help your present situation does it, but I honestly think you need to tell him how much that hurt you cos that's pretty high up there imo of things not to do in a relationship, he seems to have got off scot free.

As for his DD, yes she is a priority, you're only asking for him to communicate with you that a certain day, time, month is suitable for you, that's all.

diddl Thu 20-Mar-14 13:26:50

He sounds absolutely horrible.

Wouldn't leave his daughter with her own GM when it was an emergency involving you?

Unbelievable.

Re not consulting you about his daughter.

Not too sure about that tbh.

If he knew that there were no plans & he was going to look after her.

Plus she gets to see her sibling.

I can't imagine refusing my child because it wasn't "my turn" iyswim.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 13:28:31

Perhaps you have given him almost an exclusive right to put everything before you and this is now the result of it, you are entitled to be considered you know. I don't see how you having a miscarriage and being at the hospital means you are being insensitive to his daughter or indeed causing her upset....sorry I'm just angry on your behalf.

TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway Thu 20-Mar-14 13:30:50

I don't know what would make me feel better.

DP argues that he puts me first because we've chosen to have a (planned for) child together and we're a family now. Which I guess is a backhanded way of saying I've been elevated from the lowly status of 'girlfriend' - which I was back then - to 'mother of child and partner'.

But the thing is, unless, god forbid, something similarly tragic happens and gives DP the opportunity to prove he'd put me first, then the insecurity remains. So I find myself interpreting everything through the filter of feeling second best.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 13:36:10

Well stop thinking you are a bitch for a start, you're not, he's lucky you stuck with him.

Tell him how you feel, it doesn't have to be an argument but it might help you put it to bed for good, I think you just need reassurance and a feeling that you are equal to him in the relationship, it's kinda looking like you're meant to be grateful for your position, rubbish, you're not married, all you've done is have a child together and moved in.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 13:39:34

Maybe you need to remove the filter yourself? From the way you described things initially the 'he puts his child first' thing is rather self-fulfilling and self-imposed. Next time there's a situation involving the ex and the DSD, don't automatically capitulate. Instead say 'let's talk discuss it'... and, if it's not convenient, you say it's not convenient. Now some might say I'm encouraging you to use his DD as a manipulation device but I think it's more about reinforcing your equal status as her de facto parent rather than always deferring to him.

I have a DS & he generally comes first but not to the exclusion of all else.

AdoraBell Thu 20-Mar-14 13:43:59

Can you have an honest conversación with him, is he the kind of person who can do that? If so, tell him you want To talk about some things and set a time.

He was unbelievably UR when you miscarried and this bonus extra time with his DD, is he spending that time with her or is it left To you?

If it is expected that you will look after her needs then hand the baby over To him on the basis that you can't feed/change etc while you're doing X so the other parent will have To do one or the other. Don't make it "I can't look after baby and your daughter", rather can't cook a meal whilst feeding a baby, only got Two hands.

I think some counselling would help, maybe when your baby is a bit older and be left with a trusted sitter.

Inertia Thu 20-Mar-14 13:51:58

He may well have apologised, but he hasn't actually done anything to show that he regards the welfare of you and your newborn as something he needs to consider. His close involvement with his daughter is wonderful, and anyone starting a relationship with somebody who already has children has to understand that the needs of child come first, as you fully understand - but now he needs to find a way to prioritise all of his immediate family (his DD, the new baby , and you) so that nobody has to miss out or be second best.

I'm sorry for your loss, and can understand how acute the pain can be . Don't blame your hormones for his mistake, he got things very badly wrong; it's probably coming to the fore now because your hormones are in overdrive, you probably feel vulnerable and exhausted anyway, and his actions are not supportive.

If I were in your position, the issue with the dog would upset me too. Symbolically, it's as if he's saying that the death of a dog is such a major issue that all childcare plans have to be rearranged, whereas your pregnancy loss was so insignificant to him that he wouldn't leave a sleeping child with he own grandmother, nor would he leave her with her GM for long enough to let you get out of hospital and grieve.

TheColdNeverBotheredMeAnyway Thu 20-Mar-14 13:59:12

Symbolically, it's as if he's saying that the death of a dog is such a major issue that all childcare plans have to be rearranged, whereas your pregnancy loss was so insignificant to him that he wouldn't leave a sleeping child with he own grandmother, nor would he leave her with her GM for long enough to let you get out of hospital and grieve.

Yes exactly.

And in the dog situation he gets extra time with DSD so he's happy to do it.

But in the miscarriage situation it would've meant missing out on time with DSD so he made up reasons not to have to do it.

Which is why I feel (wrongly) some resentment to DSD too. Because not wanting her to wake up at granny's and feel a bit confused about where daddy is was more important than me being upset about losing our baby.

newbieman1978 Thu 20-Mar-14 14:03:23

Like others have said you obviously need to sit down and talk about the miscarrage situation with your partner.
On the face of it it seems very harsh to not drop everything and come to your side but without actually having a deep conversation about it you won't know the root of the reasons.

Maybe there is not a good reason and it was just a terrible mistake your partner made. Either way you have moved forward with the relationship and now have a child and are settled but you just need to do a little work in order to get over this hurdle.

As for your partners child from a previous relationship, I think you are being unreasonable. That child needs her father and needs to know that she is priority. If she needs to come to her fathers at short notice so be it. Being a parent is all about bending for your children. Your partner isn't doing his ex a favour he is being a good father. There shouldn't have to be a discussion when his child needs him!
Would you get all upset if "your" child was poorly and you couldn't go for say a meal out you had planned because your daughter needed you? That's part of being a parent.

diddl Thu 20-Mar-14 14:09:32

I don't think that he's saying the dog dying is more important.

That didn't involve him leaving his daughter.

What he wasn't willing to do when you needed him was leave his (sleeping?) daughter with his mum.

Which of course he absolutely should have done unless there was a chance of her coming to harm.

Inertia Thu 20-Mar-14 14:11:06

I don't think anyone's asking him not to be there when his daughter needs him- of course he should be meeting her needs. But when a situation arises because of the wishes/demands of another adult and is of no benefit to the child, it's not reasonable to expect the OP to accept everything thrown at her without consultation.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 14:13:21

How is waking up at grannies when she is already there confusing?

OP, yes YABU in resenting his DD, it's him you have the issue with not.

Nobody is saying his DD should not be his priority, we're saying he needs to communicate better with the OP if arrangements are made at the last minute, that way she will feel included and also worthy of this information, that is all.

From what's been said it's hard not to think that her DP just doesn't think of her.

wannaBe Thu 20-Mar-14 14:30:40

I'm going to offer a slightly different perspective here.

You say that you got pregnantnt accidentally on the pill and that while it was a shock you both started planning for a future together, but that three days later you miscarried... So early mc....?

This was an unplanned pregnancy which your dp had at that point possibly not actually come to terms with yet other than to the point of what's done is done and you would be planning for a future together but that he had nine months to get used to the idea... and so when you miscarried he possibly didn't see it in the same way as you did, and esp as you are the one carrying the baby/going through the mc you are the one with the hormones etc.

I understand that it hurt at the time, but he has apologised. You have moved on and you now have a beautiful dd together. He can't undo what happened no matter how much he regrets it, and he certainly can't make up for it by prioritising you over his dd.

Wrt him putting his dd first, yabvu. When you are a parent you are a parent 24/7, even if you don't have full-time residency of that child. And no decent parent wants to be separated from their child for half or even more time than that, so of course it is logical that when his ex needs him to have their dd he feels that it is extra time that he gets to spend with her.

Imagine as a parent someone else having your child some of the time but then telling you that they need you to have that child for an extra night even if they seem like trivial reasons. But then imagine saying no because you have plans with someone else. Do you think you could do that and still feel like a good parent?

My xh regularly can't have my ds for various reasons, he had to go abroad for work/family illness (so all valid reasons) but then other issues crop up such as that ds was ill and just wanted to stay with me so he ends up here often with no notice (we have 50/50). It would never occur to me to say no. He is my child regardless of where he is supposed to be on a given night, not just when the arrangement suggests. Any residency arrangement is of the parents' making and has no relevance to the child iyswim.

As for my dp it wouldn’t occur to me to “check” arrangements with him, he knew when we got together that I have a child. So if DS ends up with me on a weekend when we might have plans I just say to him that we have ds over the weekend... If he started to get snippy about that and want to be prioritised over my child he would be shown the door pretty quickly.

newbieman1978 Thu 20-Mar-14 19:10:55

I'm sorry but I my wife came home and my son was there (not on his usual day) and my wife got pissy about the reason and started going on about being consulted, her bags would be packed.

If my son needs to be with me for whatever reason then I drop everything and change my plans unless it is something of such importance I have to do it in which case I'd make alternative arrangements ie grand parents ect.

QueenofallIsee Thu 20-Mar-14 19:12:47

I also think that you can't move on from it because it represents your feelings of being second class in his eyes. He can apologise all day long but you don't actually believe he would behave differently if it happened again so you can't stop dwelling on it.
This is a symptom of a relationship problem, not a cause - get some couples counseling and try to work through it together

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