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New relationship - he's clingy and I cant breathe!!

(89 Posts)
waitingformychance Thu 20-Mar-14 10:16:19

Is this a red flag maybe? and I need to get it off my chest !

We have been together about 6 weeks, I have not long come out of a mentally abusive relationship of 4 yrs and this has just kind of happened I have known him a little for about a year.

He is lovely,kind and what I would always be looking for EXCEPT!

I am getting bombarded with texts , even before 830 in the morning I usually have 3-4 from him, if I dont get chance to reply within 10mins I get another, along the lines of "u okay?" then 10mins later "hope yr phone hasnt broken" 10mins later " are u awake?"

I feel like I cant breathe!

He wants to see me everyday and I have to say no and come up with a good enough excuse that is plausable enough not to see him.

He said he wants me to move in - which is so wrong and soon but he cannot see it!

I dont want to rush anything and I have explained this!

I feel wary of getting close so soon, is this normal behavoiur of a new relationship and I'm pushing a good thing away ?

My ex showed no affection at all ( unless he wanted something!)

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 10:24:15

Trust your judgement. It's flattering to be the object of so much attention but if you're finding it oppressive and you've told him to back off, then he should respect that. You don't have to come up with excuses not to see him, a simple 'no' should be enough. If you've just come out of an emotionally abusive relationship, this could be your 'practise rebound' i.e. use this guy to reassert yourself and be in the driving seat rather than compromising yourself just because you think he's kind and lovely.

wannaBe Thu 20-Mar-14 10:24:27

There's a difference between that wanting-to-spend-a-lot-of-time-together feeling and getting butterflies whenever you get a text, and the constant need for attention...

Nothing wrong with sending a text before 8:30 AM IMO, but where it starts to go wrong is the barrage of further texts essentially demanding a reply.

If you're already looking for reasons not to see him then you know the relationship isn't working.

wannabestressfree Thu 20-Mar-14 10:25:53

You sound like me. I went from a very cold marriage to the opposite sort of oerson (we are still together four years later). I have had to work on him though. When he text repeatedly I let him get on with it and when I want to answer I address the first thing he asked me NOT the consequent texts.
It is a red flag but I know with my partner he is an incredible person shaped by a really awful past. I just have to tell him enough sometimes and he does. He just wants constant love and reassurance.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 20-Mar-14 10:26:01

No this is not normal behaviour at all
He needs to be given the boot as of now.

You have only recently come out of an abusive relationship yourself; I would suggest you have simply gone from one type of abuser to yet another abuser, albeit of a different type but abusive all the same. Your radar needs more retuning.

And he wants you to move in - hills are that way!.

I would strongly suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap and not date or even look into having a relationship at least until you have completed that programme. You are still very vulnerable.

wyrdyBird Thu 20-Mar-14 10:29:28

No, this isn't normal. He's pushing at your boundaries very, very insistently.

Imagine doing this yourself to someone you'd only known 6 weeks. He, or your friends, would be telling you to back off!

akaWisey Thu 20-Mar-14 10:31:57

I don't see a discernible difference between your ex who showed no affection at all (unless he wanted something and this guy tbh.

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 10:35:28

I'd be running for the hills.

Some people are impulsive sensation seekers, and when bombarded with the chemical cascade that is falling in love/lust they completely give in to it and behave accordingly. Your BF could be one of those. Nothing wrong with that. Feeling that someone is 'the one' and deciding you want to spend the rest of your life with them so soon into a relationship is not particularly wise, but in itself it doesn't hint at any major character flaw or abusive tendencies.

But the problem here is not his self-proclaimed feelings; it is his refusal to accept any feedback from you. It's as though what you feel is incidental. IT's all about him and what he wants and he seems to feel that his role is to wear you down until you comply. He is not listening to you at all, let alone respecting what you have to say. That's a huge red flag and most certainly is indicative of an abusive personality.

Kikithecat Thu 20-Mar-14 10:43:11

I don't think it is normal and you probably need to make it clear to him that you are not ready for this level of intensity and that it is actually making you want to back away. If he understands then all is well, if not it could well be a red flag - one of those where the guy bombards you with love until you are 'his' and then show their true colours.

ALittleStranger Thu 20-Mar-14 10:46:35

Not normal. There's a big difference between, say, thinking of someone when you wake up and wanting to say hello, and demanding instant attention and sending a flurry of texts. It's not about him moving the relationship too fast, it's about him taking it into a space that wouldn't be healthy for any relationship.

FabULouse Thu 20-Mar-14 10:56:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

daisy0chain Thu 20-Mar-14 10:59:36


AngelaDaviesHair Thu 20-Mar-14 10:59:39

Not normal, or particularly kind or flattering. To me it speaks less of a strong desire to see and spend time with you than a need to dictate how and how much you interact with him, not to mention ignoring any needs you might have.

Really not a good sign. If you are having to make excuses in order to get any time to yourself, then I think you should move on.

Blithereens Thu 20-Mar-14 11:01:46

My DH was a bit like this when we first met. On one memorable occasion he rang my phone 16 times in 15 minutes hmm I told him if he didn't stop hassling me he'd get the boot. It worked! But he was 21 at the time, not a grown man, and he certainly wasn't after me to move in!

If you've already said to him to back off and take it slow and he isn't listening, then you need to let him go. You don't need an excuse not to see someone.

waitingformychance Thu 20-Mar-14 11:08:22

Also, when I say I need a night to see my friends etc, he says I'll come too, I want to do everything with you!


I go to the gym. he wants to come do a class with me! So I tell him its fully booked!

Another thing though is he had a weird relationship with his ex , from what I understand she was clingy and would try tactics to get his attention and stop him going places even to work!

So I would never have thought he would be like this!

ThefutureMrsTatum Thu 20-Mar-14 11:10:38

It's a definite red flag. I once met someone like this, we are now divorced! It never ends!

daisy0chain Thu 20-Mar-14 11:12:30

Was it maybe him that was the problem not her?

ThefutureMrsTatum Thu 20-Mar-14 11:13:05

Also, I think the weird relationship with his ex, about her being clingy etc. He is describing himself, she is probably not the one who was like this. do you have any mutual friends who would know why they split up from her point of view?

Blithereens Thu 20-Mar-14 11:13:17

Waiting stop making excuses like telling him the class is fully booked and instead just say, "No, I'd prefer to go on my own/with my friends." Just say it like that, in a normal tone of voice, and if he reacts badly you've got your answer. Dumpsville.

ThefutureMrsTatum Thu 20-Mar-14 11:13:56

Cross posts daisy, same thought!

KirstyJC Thu 20-Mar-14 11:14:58

Have you told him you don't want to spend every waking second with him?If you have, what was his response?

It sounds way over the top - if he is this possessive of you after only 6 weeks, and you are lying to get away from him already, what the hell would it be like in 6 months? 6 years?!?

Get out now.

Longtalljosie Thu 20-Mar-14 11:15:04

Oh God. This is why he's single. You can't live like this and he won't change. P45 time I think.

JaceyBee Thu 20-Mar-14 11:16:22

It's probably bollocks about his ex. I bet that what HE was like. Projection.

I felt claustrophobic just reading your posts, this is unlikely to get better and it certainly isn't your job to reassure him and make him feel secure, he's a grown man ffs.

I would 100% dump if it were me.

Catsmamma Thu 20-Mar-14 11:16:58

Nasty little hobbits...he doesn't have any friends!

Do you want to be his Precioussssss??

Seriously...ditch him or if you think he is worth more time he needs a large dose of Step The Hell BACK, but it's not looking good.

Joysmum Thu 20-Mar-14 11:20:11


He either can't read what you want and need, or else he doesn't put your needs above his wants.

That doesn't bode well for it you got more ins tense, imagine how suffer sting that would be

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