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Trying to understand / work out how soon a new relationship should move on

(31 Posts)
Scarey123 Thu 20-Mar-14 10:04:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millyblods Fri 28-Mar-14 11:49:21

Well Im glad you had a nice evening too but...

11pm is not late at all
He says he was too rough for you to come to his house as he doesn't want you to see him at his worse. Yet he was perfectly well enough to go on a date. He hasn't phoned you all week. You contacted him to prompt him and he said he would bring biker gear to you. At the last minute (so to speak) you met him for dinner. And him being able to text you a lot at night does not mean there is no one else. Most men having affairs do that.
Sorry, I know that Im being a damp squid here but his lack of date arranging in advance and seeing you at last minute more than once is odd.
He really didn't want you to come to his yesterday even though he gave an excuse.
And making a little image that says I love you when it hasn't even been mentioned in person and you have not been seeing each other long is odd . Would have thought that is something you would tell each other in person. Its too easy to do these things through text. Maybe as you met him online he is actually dating lots of other women too.
Im sorry I think its all a bit odd really. Also he has said he loves you but will probably now blow cold for awhile as you have said he has form for.
No, I still think that as he is only recently out of his relationship that he is not completely out of it yet or he is still fully in his relationship and you actually meet up at a friends house not his. Just something not right.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 28-Mar-14 11:07:38

That's a nice update.
Glad you had a lovely evening.
Just try not to over think things and don't move anything along too fast.
Go at your pace.
I hope it all works out for you.

Scarey123 Fri 28-Mar-14 10:03:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millyblods Thu 27-Mar-14 19:19:30

I agree Scarey you need to pull back and let him persue you more. If he is really wanting to be with you, you will know about it and wont have to "ponder and dissect" every little thing. Don't be too available and don't always agree to his last minute dates.

Scarey123 Thu 27-Mar-14 17:20:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millyblods Thu 27-Mar-14 09:11:15

Him not wanting you to come to his house is odd and he definitely doesn't want you to come there as he doesn't want the possibility that you might try to spend the night.
You are not in a relationship by the sounds of it. He definitely has something else going on. He made plans with the friend then called you up at the last minute to join them. shock You are doing way too much running after him here. You are making yourself too available for someone you don't know. Plans in the future dont mean anything. It's the here and now that tells you what is going on. Get back to your own life and stop making him a priority. Is he possibly still married and he and his wife are seperated but still working on it.

Millyblods Thu 27-Mar-14 09:00:58

Well what jumped out at me from the beginning is that there is someone else.

OrangeAndPurple Thu 27-Mar-14 02:57:00

Live your life and let him slot in with you sometimes. Exactly.

MrsIrony Thu 27-Mar-14 00:59:39

I think this sounds like your over thinking it all and it sounds like hard work. Be honest and open about it if you like him but don't leave great big yawning spaces in your life waiting for him to fill them. People can sense that and it's scary. Live your life and let him slot in with you sometimes. I can be very like you and worry and over think it all but as time goes by I'm getting more and more confident. If I don't know when I'm going to see the person again I make plans with friends and family. If I'm free and they suggest something I see them. If I'm not free I say so. If I've got some spare time I'm not afraid to suggest stuff now as I'm not scared of being turned down. I truly believe if the relationship is going to be a good one and he turns out to be a keeper this agonising won't take place.
I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now and it hasn't gone any further than dinner and drinks and to be honest, although I find him attractive and good company, I sort of know its going to fizzle out now. The last couple of times we've been texting he's made a couple of references to the guy I mentioned I was seeing a few months ago. Like he wants to bring it up and tease me with it as if he thinks there is still something there for me. I really can't be bothered with this kind of game playing so for that reason I'm most probably out. Give it time, but like me, if you get worried about that level of detail probably best give it a rest for a while.

Good luck with it all. Be kind to yourself and love yourself before looking for someone else to love you is my mantra.

Scarey123 Wed 26-Mar-14 22:22:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wyrdyBird Wed 26-Mar-14 19:13:47

Ah, don't be annoyed with yourself Scarey123. FWIW, I can see why you feel as you do.

I think you should do your own thing, and give him a ring if you want to. It's a question of what YOU want to do. Wrt the gear, Fullyswindonian makes a good point about borrowing from your training provider.

Good luck with the test, by the way.

Scarey123 Wed 26-Mar-14 19:03:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnandaTimeIn Wed 26-Mar-14 14:42:48

Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option

hellsbellsmelons Wed 26-Mar-14 14:30:03

Good grief.
This is waaaay too much like game playing to me.
I really couldn't be arsed with it all.
If he's just out of a relationship you are probably a rebound thing.
Just keep taking things nice a slowly for now.

Fullyswindonian Wed 26-Mar-14 13:59:12

Your training provider can lend you gear. Unless ou've got a spare couple of hundred for leathers and lid...

wyrdyBird Wed 26-Mar-14 10:21:25

Buy your own gear as you originally planned. You need to anyway. Ring him and say it would great to see him, if you want to. If he asks about the kit, tell him not to worry and you really appreciate his kindness.

You said he insisted I used it ...and tbh I don't really care for insisting, even or especially with regard to favours. Not trying to read a lot of anything into it, but it's something I tend to notice.

Don't worry about messing up. If he cares about you these things won't concern him at all.

Scarey123 Wed 26-Mar-14 08:27:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wyrdyBird Thu 20-Mar-14 20:00:11

He also blows hot and cold quite a lot on communication.

.. this on its own can leave you feeling uncertain, and somehow on the back foot, without knowing why.

If we add the fancy hotel, holiday booking and amazing presents, followed by the 'well I might see you at the weekend or maybe I'll see my mates'.... I can see how this would feel like mixed messages to you.

In your position I would try to give him more space, and see friends yourself for a few weekends. Back pedal a bit, even if you're feeling very drawn to him.

itwillgetbettersoon Thu 20-Mar-14 18:25:10

Far too early to be asking where you stand. You both have children so dating is very different to when you were single. Just enjoy going on dates, maintaining your own friends and perhaps enjoying a hobby. If it is too be long term then it will be without you rushing it. I'm single at the moment but if I had been dating for 3 mths I certainly wouldn't be reserving weekends for him at this stage. I would do all of the above in case it doesn't work.

ElizabethX Thu 20-Mar-14 18:00:27

He's doing it right it seems to me?

You have daughters who are of an age to have opinions about men so he has met them and passed the little test

He has a busy life and a kid of his own

You can't really articulate what you want him to do that he's not doing

What would the next move look like to you?

I am 37 too, single but well attached and without kids...and from where I am standing the next move is surely when you realise this feels like it could turn permanent, no?

Which is not yet BTW, I would not be demanding to know "where I stand" at this stage.

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 11:37:47

Every individual is unique, as is every relationship. We don't all behave the same and we don't all want the same thing in a relationship. All any of us can do is say what has worked/not worked for us and give you the benefit of any observations we've made during life.

For my part, after two failed relationships and a lot of soul searching about my own part in those failures, I embarked on my latest relationship determined to handle it in a completely different way. I don't agonise about stuff. I tell/ask. I am extremely direct - not confrontational in the slightest, but I am honest and demand the same in return. It is in no one's best interests to game play. Why pretend to be something you're not or to want something you don't? Who does that benefit?

My current relationship is the best relationship I've ever had. BF says he loves the fact that he always knows exactly where he is with me. IMO you should just come straight out and talk about these things. It fosters good communication (important when more important matters crop up later down the line) and promotes respect.

Quitelikely Thu 20-Mar-14 11:37:00

I think you're expecting a tad too much at this early stage. He is only doing some activities with his friend for the weekend. That is a bonus of not having a wife to answer to!

It sounds like you're having fun so just continue til it goes further or blows out

Joysmum Thu 20-Mar-14 11:29:30

For instance, I saw him last night (his suggestion) and I know he is free this weekend but didn't suggest anything as I wanted to wait to see if he would. Then his friend turned up at the pub we were at and he arranged to do something with him instead - on Saturday and Sunday - and didn't invite me along or anything, whereas those weekends I know he doesn't have his daughter I have deliberately kept free because I would rather see him than do something else. I can do something else on the alternate weekend. Should I be peed off about this? Is he telling me he wants to slow things down? He also blows hot and cold quite a lot on communication. Usually he is the first to text in the morning but after we have seen each other on a weekend, sometimes he can go quiet for a couple of days and I don't hear from him at all.

So he arranged the night out you were on but you didn't then arrange the next one because you eaten him to again.

He's the first to text you but then you pick him up for not texting you.

Tbh if I were him, I'd be wondering what you were thinking as it would seem to me like I was doing majority of the running because you seemed unwilling to initiate meetings or to text me unless I texted first. I'd definitely be wondering if you were interested at all or just using to feel good about yourself confused

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 11:28:54

Dahlen, no of course not.

OP, you've done nothing wrong, but I think the arrangement he made in front of you with his friend says a lot really, he's not putting you top of the list so don't put him, it doesn't mean things won't move on in the future, maybe he's just being careful.

I did wonder what you meant by paranoid and insecure though?

Dahlen Thu 20-Mar-14 11:17:38

jan45 - xposted. I hadn't read your post when I posted mine as the page hadn't refreshed while I was typing. My post wasn't aimed at you and I hope it hasn't made you feel as though I'm tackling your post personally. smile

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