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Am I a mug?(50 Posts)
I'm a new poster here but long time lurker. Hoping for some advice.
I have been with my partner for 6 years, engaged for five. We have no children but have been ttc without success for the past 5 years. I'm 26, he is 29.
My partner is a type one diabetic and has ended up in hospital numerous times after drinking too much and being unable to control his blood sugars. Most recently three separate weeks in hospital since September last year. I have given him ultimatums every time to try and get him to stop drinking but he refuses to accept he cannot handle alcohol. The other problem is every time he is off work we struggle to cope with money as he only gets statutory sick pay, meaning I have to keep loaning money from my family to get by. I do work as well but my wage pays all the bills and we live off his pay week to week. He then takes out various pay day loans which we cannot afford to pay back.
The most recent time he was in hospital (January this year) he promised he would stop drinking for good, but over the past two weeks has started having between 1 and 4 pints when he goes out. I swore last time that if started drinking again I would leave but can't bring myself to do it. He has come in tonight after having 4 pints and told me that he never had any intention of stopping drinking and that he is trying to re educate himself and only have a few drinks.
When it challenge him about his behaviour he replies "I'm a man I'll do what I want". I feel like he has no respect for me and just expects me to get on with it and put up with his behaviour but I don't want to spend my whole life feeling like this and feeling on edge every time he goes out in case he ends up in hospital.
Do you think I am being unreasonable about his drinking or should I be thinking about moving on? I feel a bit melodramatic to be considering leaving over what seems a trivial issue and I don't want to throw away 6 years of my life.
Sorry for the essay that was longer than I expected.
Ok, I think this is a major decision for this time of the night, I really think you should sleep on it. You are of course correct when you say it is a serious issue his drinking and being a diabetic, it is very dangerous and he should not be doing it, which he knows himself as he is ending up in hospital. I think you need to have a very serious sit down conversation about why he is drinking and what you both want from this relationship. Has he always been like this or has he just started?
Make your decision, stick to it, and carry it out asap. Involve friend or parents for backup while you move is a good idea.
In my experience, from living with a man with alcohol issues, get out get out get out and do it now. My ex is now deceased, due to alcohol related issues. He wasn't going to stop having 'a drink' because 'I'm a man and I'll do what I want'. He spent my money, borrowed, etc and I caught the bill. He was very very selfish. My mum and dad came and helped me move when he was away for the day.
He's not doing you any favours, he's not making an effort to change, so you need to change your situation and do yourself a favour.
I'm so sorry cannypenguin, I'm in agreement; it's time to ditch the manchild who will not take responsibility for his own health issues in pursuit of your (apparently) joint desires (a child).
Find a responsible grown up man who is capable of co-parenting a child with you before you get in any deeper with this one...sorry.
PS It's not throwing away six years so much as appreciating six years of experience
with a potentially poor parent
Well, don't make ultimums you don't follow through or you're telling him you're a mug!
You can explain again 'do you understand the consequence is I leave you? You do? Ok then, so when you say you'll do what you want regardless you are actually telling me this relationship is over. You've chosen drinking over me. Right?'
If he understands the seriousness of your position, he has, actually dumped you.
If he thinks he can continue to get away with dismissing your wishes and concerns, it's because he thinks you're a mug, a doormat.
I don't understand how either scenario is trivial.
Don't look at it as throwing away 6 years, look at it as gaining the next 50/60 without having this millstone around your neck.
He clearly has no respect for you, which is not the way you want your partner to feel about you.
Yes you need to get rid of him, sorry.
He will kill himself with his drinking.
You really do NOT want to have children with someone like this - imagine! You would not be able to leave him in charge of the child ever without worrying yourself silly; and probably just wouldn't be able to do it at all.
He is "a man and can do what he wants"? OK. He can drink himself to death, and you can leave him to it.
YOU also have a choice - choose to leave him with his puerile attitude and his drink - and go out and find someone who cares enough for himself, to be able to care properly for you, and for any future children you might have.
I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like he has any intention of stopping, and he is willing to see you penniless and bereaved rather than face up to his drink problem. It also sounds like he has quite a serious problem. He is old enough to have got over any teenage 'it's not fair' about not being able to drink because of his diabetes, and looks like he is choosing to live a destructive lifestyle.
Getting pregnant right now would be a really bad idea.
How you want to continue is up to you, but he clearly isn't ready to change.
Do you want to live with an alcoholic who is willing to risk his job and his life? Are you willing to support him financially if he loses his job?
What you do is completely your decision, but I think you should be prepared to go through a significant period of lack of money, his health in the balance, and no hope of kids if you stay with him. Is that the future you are hoping for?
My genuine sympathies, it sounds heart breaking to live through. Perhaps you can turn to your supportive family and ask their thoughts on this?
I think kickassangel has pretty much summed things up OP
I would stop TTC right now. In addition to everything already said, do you want your DCs To see this behaviour and lose their dad slowly, day by day, simply because he isn't willing To grow up and take responsability for himself?
Many DCs repeat the behaviour they grow up with. Do you want To see your son doing the same To his DP or DW?
Be kind To yourself, think about what you want and need out of Life and then make your decisión based on How you want To live your Life.
Run away as fast as you can! Drinking too much and financial irresponsibility are both good enough reasons. Quick! Go now! Xx
Definitely a LTB situation. Saddle yourself with a selfish, stupid, alcohol abuser and you'll never have any money or any support. You'll be carrying him his whole life. Make the mistake of having children with him and you quadruple your burden. This is as good as he gets and he's quite happy with his booze because 'he's a man'. So leave him to it, stop wasting your life and give yourself chance to start fresh with someone who isn't a drain on your emotions or your wallet.
Good luck for your (solo) future.
It's not a trivial issue, canny, it's a huge deal-breaker at all sorts of levels, as above. This man's primary relationship is with alcohol, not you, and that's not going to change until he decides he wants it to. You've hung in there for 6 years, hoping it will change - you're realising it's not going to, so now is the time to carry out your 'ultimatum'. Not because you think that will bring him to his senses, but because this isn't the life you want. Sounds like the debts are racking up, so do it sooner rather than later. What are the practicalities involved - giving notice on a rental, putting house on market, etc?
I think the fact he says 'I'm a man I'll do what I want' would be a real deal breaker for me. If you do stay with him and have kids with him then even if he stopped drinking, with that attitude I imagine he would leave you to do all the childcare while he keeps up his social life.
He is an alcoholic and he cares more for that than you, and any potential children you may have
Choose another father for them, this one is defective.
This man has made a choice that this is the life is w ants.
Stay with him and you are making that lifestyle choice.
Leave him make a better one.
What ever you do stop TTC. No child should be brought into this mess. They will have no choice but to watch their father slowly dinking himself to death while the family lives hand to mouth on ehatbis left over after he has had his share for drinking.
I hate my phone. drinking and ehatbis = on what is
I agree with what has been said . Leave and begin a new life, soon you will feel so much better and have more cash.
Please tell family and friends the situation, ask for their help they will support you through this.
This is not a trivial issue.
What do you get out of this relationship now?. You're having to borrow from family to make ends meet and he's an alcoholic to boot. That was never your own life plan was it?. So how have you got here?
Did you yourself grow up within an alcoholic household, I was wondering why you chose this man as a partner in the first place as well as ttc by him.
Move on and away from this man. Please do not subject a child into this dysfunctional mess of a relationship.
You have stayed with him really for around 5 years too long; this was over years ago really so why have you stayed to date?. You need to look at your own roles in this (as both his enabler and codependent partner because that is what you are to him really and that is also what you have set yourself up as).
I would also read up on co-dependency as this often features in relationships where alcoholism is a factor.
Think of the six years as sunk costs. One of the worst reasons to stay with someone is you dont want to 'waste' the time you 'invested' in them. Really you should be thinking that time is already gone, I have no more time to waste on this loser.
I'm echoing everyone else, but this is NOT a trivial issue.
He is going to be nothing but a millstone around your neck, and you are lucky that you have no permanent ties with him yet. Stop TTC. If you love him, give him one more chance - give a genuine ultimatum, keep a bag packed, and get out of there the minute he breaks it.
Tbh though, it sounds like he has no respect for you, so I'd be leaving right now.
Get out now! This will never be resolved. You will spend all of your life wondering what state he will be in when he gets home. Added to that the financial burden. It's not just about the lack of earnings when he is sick but the money it costs to purchase said alcohol. Add it up. Four pints a night, five nights a week. That's as much as my mortgage each month.
Added to that, you are young. You have plenty of time to be thinking about having kids. I had my first at 42 not to be recommended leaving it that late but why settle for all that crap at this time of your life?. You should be out and about with female (and male) friends. Meeting lovely people and having a good time. Not saddling yourself with this pile of poo.
Get him gone my lovely. He clearly thinks because he's a man he can do what he likes. So you are a woman and you can do what you like, just don't depend on an arsehole to provide it for you whilst staring at the bottom of an empty glass.
Please, please get rid. I've been with two blokes that have/had a drink problem and even if they stop drinking there is still the issue of obsessive/addictive behaviour. Not nice, not nice at all and very destructive for both of you, and even worse for any children that might be unlucky enough to be born to such a man.
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