Am I expecting too much?

[Davinadivine]

I'm not sure where to start.
I feel incredibly angry at my husband and have done for a few months. It started when he got a job after being unemployed for some time. He had been minding our dd while I went to work but as soon as he got his job sorting childcare became my problem!?
He also started to go to the gym before or after work which interfered with my working hours and limited my study time. I was also heavily pregnant through this.
Without any support from him I completed my coursework in a compressed period if time due to impending baby. I was also suffering horrific spd and other complications. He did nothing to support me at all through all of this.
I had our baby and while in delivery he said well done but that was it, he hasn't commented on how much an ordeal the pregnancy/study/work/birth were on me. He didn't so much as offer to get flowers or a card to mark the occasion.
2 weeks after baby was born I was baby working. I also developed nipple thrush and was in terrible pain. Again nothing, no acknowledgement or even sympathy.

I'm struggling back at work. I want to be at home with my baby. I feel like I have no bond with baby at all and feel I am the worst mother.

I've asked myself what I get from the relationship and the answer is nothing. I have asked him to adjust his behaviour and he hasn't bothered. I'm feeling lost and very low.

[Dahlen]

Congratulations on your baby but sorry you're feeling so low.

No, you're not expecting too much. You sound like superwoman TBH. You're expecting far too much of yourself.

Some of this may be simply the baby blues. It's difficult to tell on an online forum whether this is simply your perspective or whether your DH is indeed an unappreciative lazy arse. Do you have a good network of friends and family you can use as sounding board? What would your DH say do you think if he read your OP?

It's a horrible realisation that the person you created a child with is not worthy to the task and isn't the person you thought they were. When you discover this shortly after the birth of a child, it is devastating. If you genuinely feel the relationship is offering you nothing and that this isn't just a blip in perception, you have the choice of trying to change your H or leaving him. The first is unlikely to succeed, the second will be hard. Which do you feel you'd prefer to deal with?

Wishing you strength.

[Davinadivine]

Thank you for replying.
I have no friends, I don't have time to see anyone and family are very far away.

For me I'd prefer him to leave but for the children I can't even bear the thought of it. My dd adores her daddy and would be inconsolable without him here everyday. I think he knows this and is fully sure I won't leave him for this reason.

I feel exhausted and utterly broken by this whole experience. I just want some appreciation, not gifts or fanfare just a kind word every so often :(

[Dahlen]

Separated parents mean a different lifestyle but it doesn't follow that it means a lesser relationship between parent and child, even for the one no longer resident. Many non-resident parents actually have better relationships with their child post separation because post split they actually devote their attention 100% on the child when they are together. It's amazing how much one human being can ignore another while under the same roof.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Have you told him how badly you feel that he hasn't acknowledged what you've been through? Have you told him that going to the gym has to stop because it clashes? Have you told him you're struggling at work?

If you want recognition and it's not being volunteered, demand it.

[Davinadivine]

I have demanded it and he says all the right things like he had planned to get me card, tell me he appreciates me but he forgot or didn't get around to it.
The awful thing is when he was studying and his confidence was low I always celebrated every result and achievement. When he got his job I organised a night out for celebration despite work/study/pregnancy and not feeling even slightly like going anywhere!
Maybe that's the worst part maybe it's because he says he's going to do things then can't be bothered that's most hurtful. I feel sick thinking about this and thinking how worthless I am to him

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OK.. just checking you'd actually articulated what you wanted and weren't relying on him being pro-active. :) Yes, if you've been specific, had promises and then been let down the only reasonable conclusion you can reach is that he doesn't care. That's not a great basis for a relationship.

[fifi669]

If you split would you get the DC as he was primary carer?

[Davinadivine]

I've no idea fifi, I doubt it though