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AIBU to feel upset that my husband forgot to tell me he'd be working away from home all week?

(13 Posts)
Mommypolls8 Wed 19-Mar-14 22:22:24

He said he 'thought' he'd mentioned it to me. He told numerous friends (with whom he has weekly social commitments) though.
We have three children and they knew! I feel upset by his 'oversight' but am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Andro Wed 19-Mar-14 22:27:01

He managed to tell his children and his friends, but not his wife? That's astonishingly rude!

YANBU and he needs to locate his manners...what if you'd made arrangements based on him being at home? Thoughtless.

Dahlen Wed 19-Mar-14 23:26:02

Basing your answer on his previous behaviour rather than your current emotion, how likely do you feel that he's telling the truth about thinking he had told you? Because if he did, it's still shit but he's an ordinary person who made a mistake. If he knows he didn't, or if he has form for forgetting or being mistaken about things where you are concerned, you can be justifiably furious.

KouignAmann Wed 19-Mar-14 23:46:54

I had a husband like this who expected me to run everything at home so he could swan around conferences being important and staying in posh hotels while I mopped up sick.
In the end I got fed up of being taken for granted and became resentful. Being superwoman wears thin so I left him.
Don't let this go. It shows assumptions about your role and his in the family that are very damaging. You need a talk.

Cabrinha Wed 19-Mar-14 23:47:23

Totally depends on any backstory.
I work away about 1 week in 2, but it's quite short notice sometimes where and for how long, and it's "normal" for me so it doesn't stick in my mind. I've certainly looked at my calendar and thought "oh? Away next week? Good thing I looked!"

What else is going on?

Cabrinha Wed 19-Mar-14 23:51:18

Kouign I think you're projecting a bit there!

But I'm sure there's a backstory, otherwise OP would just be a bit annoyed he'd forgotten, but believe that's the truth and not be posting about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Mar-14 08:41:56

YANBU. It's basic communication and very poor that he prioritised friends and social commitments over immediate family. It's taking it for granted that you'll just fit round him and he doesn't have to do you the courtesy of telling you his plans. Does he ignore you in other respects? Treat you as an afterthought?

fifi669 Thu 20-Mar-14 08:50:27

The fact that everyone know friends and family, shows it wasn't something he was hiding and could indeed be a genuine I thought I told you situation.

This is done now, how about preventing it in future with a family calendar that he has to write such things on. (As well as tell you hopefully).

Joysmum Thu 20-Mar-14 08:53:36


My DH has done the same, told me he'd told me, or told me he assumed I knew because I was in the same room as him when he'd been discussing it on the phone.

We got into quite a row when I pointed out that him 'thinking he'd told me' had to equate to me either forgetting something I clearly wouldn't have forgotten. We went through the whole, 'putting his work first and not even thinking about us at home' argument.

So now, I've told him that working over night or being away gets sent as a meeting request to my outlook at the same time as he updates his work diary.

have4goneinsane Thu 20-Mar-14 08:58:13

I'm with Cabrinha, there has to be a backstory before it's a real problem

quite often DH and I think we've told each other something and it turns out we haven't, or realise too late that we've forgotten. Usually we talk about everything, but if we've had a crazy week then we may be like ships in the night and key information gets passed over. Took me 4 days last week to have an opportunity to tell him that I've been diagnosed with a serious-ish medical condition - my mum knew within hours because she happened to drop the kids home when I had 5 minutes to talk.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 20-Mar-14 09:07:18


Whiteboard in the kitchen. If it's not on the whiteboard, the other party gets the slot. No farting around with calendar apps or Outlook.

Mommypolls8 Thu 20-Mar-14 14:49:21

Thank you all for your input, some sound advice!

The backstory is that since he joined a band I really do feel that his priorities have shifted. He's a good man who works hard and loves his family. It's great that he has a hobby, it's something he's always wanted to do and I'm genuinely pleased for him.

However, it seems to have become his main focus in life these days and 'forgetting' to tell me about working away when he had dutifully informed the rest of the band of his planned absence just seemed to beggar belief.

We seem to pass like ships in the night (he's out with the band up to four nights a week and I go out with my friends a night or two also) and communication seems to be faltering between us.

It's sad, we've been together 27 years, since we were kids. He just seems to prefer his new found 'fame' and attention. Wondering if he's having a mid-life crisis, or I am?!

Ploppy16 Thu 20-Mar-14 18:01:13

Wrt to the forgetting to tell you about working I can totally recommend a diary meeting. DH works.away or off site on and off, sometimes at short notice so actually sitting down and going through our appointments for the week tends to make things much easier for both of us.
As for the band, he could just he getting carried away with the newness of being in front of a crowd of appreciative people? Talk to him.frankly about it and make it.clear you feel that you're slipping down his list of priorities.

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