Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you know when you're not in love anymore?

(23 Posts)
pyjamaramadrama Wed 19-Mar-14 19:11:10

Just that really, I feel as though I'm at a crossroads in life.

How do you know for sure that you've fallen out of love?

What makes someone fall out of love? Boredom, lack of trust, lack of respect, not being loved back?

If you've fallen out of love wouldn't leaving be an easy decision to make?

pyjamaramadrama Wed 19-Mar-14 19:14:16

I suppose what I'm asking is has anyone felt that they're not really in love but more staying out of habit, feeling it's better the devil you know, and had a happy outcome either way.

DumbleDee Wed 19-Mar-14 19:21:14

I fell out of love with my ExH, no one else involved. Tried to make it work for a few years. Was very unhappy.
I was on a hypnotherapy course one weekend and the very good tutor was telling a story about a client who had depression. She had said to him "I looked away and when I looked back 10 years had passed". This had triggered her depression. That sense of loss. This really struck me hard. I couldn't imagine my life being the same 10 years on. That thought terrified me more that the stability of staying.

That was 10 years ago this year. And although I've had some really horrible times since, I have never ever regretted the decision.

pyjamaramadrama Wed 19-Mar-14 19:24:10

This is how I feel a bit, I'm turning 30 soon and I suddenly feel as though a large chunk of my life has gone in a flash.

Scarletohello Wed 19-Mar-14 19:25:51

Is there any particular reason why you feel like this? What sort of things has your partner done to make you fall out of love with them?

movingsoon23 Wed 19-Mar-14 19:26:37

pyjamaramadrama - are you married? do you have dc?

newlifeforme Wed 19-Mar-14 19:29:15

I'm at that stage, no feelings of love for my husband.I don't enjoy his company (he puts his energy into work and when at home he barely speaks) and I don't feel I can trust him as he has let me down so many times.
So why am I still here? practical reasons at present,house & finding work that will enable me to look after dc.I think if we didn't have children it would have been over a long time ago.

I have been a single mum before and know I can be happy on my own, being single is absolutely preferable to being in a bad relationship. I can't see how you can remain married if there is no love, its an utterly miserable existence.

strawbasketcase Wed 19-Mar-14 19:29:24

If it's how you really feel, take action, whether that's putting 100 per cent into making it work or taking steps to move on. Bear in mind it's often easier to change things in your early 30s than early 40s. I look back now and can see distinct times in my life when I should have left my relationship and didn't, mainly because I lacked the courage to try and create a new life for myself sad I realise now I would have been fine.

movingsoon23 Wed 19-Mar-14 19:33:05

I became single at 30 after a long term relationship. Its really the best thing that could have happened. I realise now that we both just clung on because it was comfortable and familiar. If I had stayed with him for a few more years we might just have had children because the biological clock would have been ticking. I'm now in a fab new relationship and my exdp has a child on the way. It really has worked out the best for the both of us. We had no dc though so your situation may be different.

newlifeforme Wed 19-Mar-14 19:33:25

If you're 30 no DC then don't hang around.People change in their 20's so if you married young its likely you have changed into different people.

I have never regretted leaving a relationship, I think you know when its not right.

pyjamaramadrama Wed 19-Mar-14 19:36:41

We're not married but I have one dc, this is part of the problem, I'd like to get married, I think, I'd like another child, again I think. Dp just doesn't have an opinion on anything other than playing on his iPhone. He usually just goes along with what I want then blames me when it all goes wrong.

We just seem to be coasting not really getting anywhere.

I feel quite lonely, I used to try to make the effort to arrange the dreaded 'date nights', us time, he's just got no enthusiasm for anything though.

Blushingm Wed 19-Mar-14 19:37:02

I'm reading with interest - my situation is very similar ��

pyjamaramadrama Wed 19-Mar-14 19:40:44

I'm sorry to hear that newlifeform.

I could say a lot more but need to go will be back later.

pyjamaramadrama Wed 19-Mar-14 19:46:47

Should say he has no enthusiasm to go on holiday, no enthusiasm to make the house nice, he plays on his phone when I'm trying to speak to him, or just turns the TV on.

strawbasketcase Wed 19-Mar-14 19:52:09

Some men seem to just withdraw when they can't face a conversation about things. I have an 'avoider' who uses phones, tv, anything really rather than engage properly. I sympathise. In my case, it's got worse over time, and it has made me seethe with resentment and become quite an angry person. It's a form of avoiding responsibility and after a while, this is itself can really erode your feelings for that person. Sorry if I sound negative, talking more for my situation than yours, but I do really get it.

maleview70 Wed 19-Mar-14 20:16:54

Sorry to say this ladies but you need to get some backbone and leave. When it's over, it's over and there is no point wasting your lives any longer.

lavenderhoney Wed 19-Mar-14 20:58:30

Falling out of love is akin to being dispassionate to the other person. Compromise becomes difficult as you just don't want to and don't really mind if they are upset or disadvantaged.
You definitely don't want sex with them, or even they see you naked, because your body is somehow now private. You don't want to see them naked either. Sex is a chore, if you do it. Its a slow descent into knowing its all over, IMO.

The above happens over time and is often a subconscious thing, and you suddenly think wtf am I doing here?

The leaving part is all about finances and change. No one likes the unknown and change. It is almost certainly going to be very hard and difficult and lonely at first at least. To go willingly into that unknown situation is very hard.

The dc, if there are any, are thought of. The effect on them. Family, Friends etc. judgement as if there is no Dv, no affair - whatever is your personal tipping point- has to be reached before you take action.

littlegreenlight1 Wed 19-Mar-14 21:17:11

I clung on to my marriage way longer than I should have, in fact, we had another child, my beloved ds (8). We split by the time he was 2. In fact the day I came home from hospital with him I knew not that Id made a mistake, of course, he is one of the three best things Ive ever done, but that I should have left that man.
Our relationship was nothing. We didnt talk, we bitched, we sniped, we didnt do anything together other than the (very) odd night out with friends where (though he didnt have a drink problem) he would get drunk and embarrass me by getting emotional about issues he wouldnt face the rest of the time.
He goaded me when I said I was leaving, he wouldnt believe there was no one else and months later when I was seieng someone (albeit too soon) he tried to name this man that I hadnt met until after we had split in our divorce! It was nasty and very bitter and I wish Id had the nerve sooner. But he convinced me no one else would have me and more to the point I wouldnt be able to cope.

I did! It was the best thing I ever did (other than have those children!)

I guess what Im saying is, you know when it is right, you know when there is something to work for, and you know when it is just plain wrong. I had such sad times in the few months following and I craved company and affection, but I surrounded myself by things and people that made me happy and I got through it and I never once regretted it. Those nights the dc were with him and I hadnt forged any kind of social life for myself were rough, but I got there, I forced myself to reconnect with people etc, it was worth it.

NearTheWindymill Wed 19-Mar-14 21:30:24

I've been married for nearly 24 years. I think young children do put many couples into a coasting mode. Certainly when ours were say 4 and 7 my life revolved around children, activities, house, school, nursery, etc. DH was working all the hours god sent at that stage and I felt we were a bit like ships that passed in the night and it felt lonely and very hard.

I have always loved him though but at that point I think I did the right thing in going back to work because that gave me a new outlet, gave me more to think about and brought back a bit of the woman he married.

I think marriage is hard enough when everything is right and probably nearly impossible when things aren't (sorry using marriage in a cover all capacity - applying also for long term serious relationships). All I can say really is having got through that stage things got better and have continued to get better.

He's still a workaholic but I still look forward to him coming home every night and to having a chat with him. We might not see each other much during the week - 20 minutes in the morning; an hour in the evening (not home yet) but we say I love you every night and every day starts with a cuddle.

withextradinosaurs Wed 19-Mar-14 21:33:42

A poster on another thread said it was over when the burdens of being together outweighed the benefits. I thought that was an excellent way of looking at things.

Linguini Wed 19-Mar-14 21:38:42

You are so young at 30!

Even with one child, no point sticking around. As straw says, so much better to do something now rather than wait till u r in your 40's. I am mid 30's and left a dormant relationship (no DC) at 30. SO glad I did it then. Now I have an amazing new fella, we're pg with out 1st... never wld have gotten to this stage with ex.

Move on!

innisglas Wed 19-Mar-14 22:08:45

Only you can know really. I was a flibberty-gibbet and never stayed in a relationship after the passion was gone, and now I am alone, but happily so. However, after my daughter was born I realised that there is a different type of love, I suppose for better or for worse, (excepting abusive relationships, of course) and if I had applied that to romance, I would have had a different type of life.

HopelessDei Wed 19-Mar-14 22:24:05

Hard though isn't it? When you have children? I would be heartbroken to break up the family. Just no affection, little friendship, no understanding of SAHM life. We've both changed. He works constantly. I'm frustrated at home. He earns a lot of money and I have nice things - should be enough?

The poster who said things got better later in life, that gives me hope - but how much time does one waste getting there?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now