I apologise in advance for the very long first post, but this is a story and I have no idea how I am going to move on with my life. My husband and I had a baby 11 years into our marriage as he was suddenly desperate to become a father. I already had a daughter from a previous relationship. I didn’t want to have another child if I am honest because I knew that he would struggle to cope and that it would be such a huge change. I was 42 when our son was born, my husband 39. Our son was a very difficult baby who suffered reflux, cried constantly and didn’t in fact sleep at night until he was 2 ½ years old. In the meantime, he was referred for statementing for ASD due to severe behavioural problems. Clearly this put a huge strain on our relationship. 2013 was a very difficult year, my husband receiving a life changing medical diagnosis which affected him quite deeply, I also had two cancer scares and some serious family issues. I also had severe PND which I didn’t seek proper help for, thinking I could cope. All of this put a huge strain on our marriage in many ways. Last October, my husband walked into the kitchen at 8 in the morning and told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving, he then walked out for the whole day rendering himself unavailable. When he returned home he said he wouldn’t leave for a few weeks but I got together every last one of his possessions/clothes and asked him to leave, which he did early the next morning. I was absolutely stunned, I didn’t see it coming at all and while I knew we were having a rough patch, there was nothing that was insurmountable. He assured me that there was nobody else involved and I believed him, I couldn’t bear to think otherwise. However, his behaviour was then astonishing. He raised a divorce petition with his solicitor within 3 days on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (so I knew he wasn’t coming back apparently), sacked me from his company (completely illegally), cut off all financial support (despite initially promising that nothing would change financially), cancelled the Sky package, mine and my daughter’s mobile phones and took his name off all the utilities, even taking the credit balances. He had already set up post redirection to the house of a friend where he said he would be staying and announced that I would have to start claiming income support and tax credits and that he would pay the mortgage for the next 13 weeks until I could claim Mortgage Interest Relief. I was just stunned. He just kept throwing things at me, not giving me a chance to breathe or recover. I didn’t eat a thing for two weeks, existing on coffee and protein shakes, losing 2 stone in the process, all while trying to care for two devastated children. I then received a text from him that was clearly not meant for me “you are my life”...I thought I was going to have a heart attack, the shock was indescribable. I subsequently discovered the OW was somebody who had been known to us for around 12 years and was unfortunately somebody I really disliked, much older than my husband and to top it all, her husband was killed last March in an RTA. I initially made email contact with her, explaining my sadness, she replied but tried to use her dead husband and grieving child to imply that she was vulnerable and nowhere near ready for a relationship and I took some comfort (and hope) from that, but it soon became clear that this was not the case and she became increasingly nasty and vile as time went on, especially when I caught them out at a log cabin weekend away when my husband said he was on business. She has called me some awful things, complained about being “bored of your pitiful your bleating”, calling me a “sad fuck”, “grow up and move on”, “if you were so great, why did he leave”, “you kid yourself this is all my doing”, absolutely tortuous abuse. Surely she is the one who involved herself with a married man?! This woman runs 3 child based businesses in a small town and can’t afford the damage to her reputation. She even had a solicitor write to me to threaten me. I have suffered an assault by my husband with police and social services becoming involved, the hell of a contact centre as a result of that, it has been a never ending nightmare. I finally filed for my own divorce on the grounds of their adultery which my husband tried to overturn by pretending he was gay (!). He finally told me that he met her again after a gap of 8 years at the beginning of October via work. He said that two days before he left me (on the 19th), “they” decided they wanted to be together and he tried to do the right thing by not having sex with her until after he’d left the house!! I have subsequently found out that he moved straight in with her (after less than 3 weeks, really?!) and only 6 months after the death of her husband. I can’t believe this relationship hasn’t been going on for much longer but he completely denies it. He re-registered his business to her business address 5 days after leaving me, listing her address as his home address. Last week he cancelled the car insurance just as I was leaving to take the children to school. Who is this man I was married to for 14 years and has turned into a complete stranger, selfish beyond belief and without any moral compass whatsoever? They taunt me with taking custody of my son, tell me I am not fit to be his mother, yet my husband shows no interest in my son’s very many medical appointments and only sees him twice a week, leaving me to pick up the emotional mess my little boy is reduced to every time. I just don’t know how to cope. I have developed some serious health problems as a result, which she saw fit to mock quite unbelievably and am trying really hard to keep myself together but it’s getting harder by the day. I have a great support network, even my husband’s family who have completely disowned him but I feel so lonely and frightened. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this at this time of my life. My husband has given up EVERYTHING except the clothes on his back to be with this woman who is a horror to look at and surely must have some emotional issues to be behaving as she does and “moving on” so quickly after the death of her husband. My husband no longer has any friends, all have turned their back yet apparently it has all been “worth it” as she gives him lots of “cuddles, kisses and greets him nicely when he comes through the door”. I am not even joking. I am starting counselling this week but with the divorce becoming ever more nasty and awful, I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is also desperate to involve my son with this woman, something I think is totally inappropriate at this stage, especially given her antagonism towards me. I just don’t know which way to turn. Again, apologies for such a long post and believe me, this is the short version. How will I ever recover from all of this and how do I cope with such a vindictive pair especially in relation to my children? I feel like my life is no longer my own ?.
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PLEASE HELP - DESPERATE AND AWFUL DIVORCE :-(
MrsC1969HJ · 19/03/2014 18:03
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Oh love. Am glad you feel on top of things financially and legally - make sure that remains the case. You are a lioness now, fighting to protect her cubs. Be merciless.
On the emotional front, as the survivor (just!) of two very messy divorces...I got some comfort, bizarrely, the worst the twats became. The same revelation of true colours that you seem to be suffering. Because it destroys any lingering nostalgia, love and sense that you should still be together. He's a nasty, nasty man, who's found a nasty, nasty woman and THANK GOD you're not with him, and free now to find someone who's the opposite. As I did. Eventually!
This WILL pass. And life will, maybe quickly, maybe slowly, but WILL get better 
.
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