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Is my mother in cloud cuckoo land?!

(88 Posts)
SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 10:07:04

I have NC with my mother, she said some pretty shit things to me about being lazy and needing to get off my arse and get a job, despite me having 2 SN kids, one of whom cant yet go into childcare and I get carers allowance for (i.e the system recognises his high needs, hes on DLA but she doesnt).

Theres obviously more back story.

But my dad called today (they arent together) to tell me my Mum text him to ask if she could take my 7 year old out in April.

First off, she has never taken my child(ren) anywhere. Ever.

Second of all, she lives hours away and she doesnt know this area at all so presumably she would be taking him to hers?

We have no communication whatsoever, yet she expects to take my child out?

She thinks Im not letting her see him because punishing her.

Which is absolute bullshit. Why would I let me pfb go out with someone who I cannot even communicate with? Its never going to happen. She has never taken him out before, so its not like hes used to it or would care if it never happened.

Once again Im that close to emailing her to tell her exactly fucking well WHY she cant. I want her to know that its not because Im making her a victim by 'punishing her' but that its actually because shes been a massive cunt. (Not that Id call her a C because Id lose the moral high ground) but how she views this situation and how it actually is, are two very different scenarios.

Papaluigi Wed 19-Mar-14 10:20:07

Weird, maybe this het strange and round about way of trying to mend bridges. Maybe, if you want to consider at least having a chat, talk to her, explain why not. Or simply if you don't care and don't want / need her in your life, just ignore and carry on as you were.

Caitlyn2014 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:20:18

I think I would ignore all of it till she gets in touch to ask, not that it's very likely she will. If she does however just say sorry mum but the wee ones difficulties mean that for the time being outings with you are not possible, but if you want you're welcome to come here and get to really know him as well as learn about his diagnosis and when that's done maybe we could move on to trips out together, then maybe just you and him going out.

You really dont have to get into a fight ovet this,or let it bother you, and especially not when you have so much on your plate as it is.

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:21:12

It sounds like your mother has really hurt you. I can see why you would not want to have any contact. I don't know whether cutting off all contact to a parent works out better than living with their shit, but I can understand why you made that choice.

However, leaving aside her feelings and yours, might you be building up future trouble for you and the children by not letting them have a relationship with their grandmother? Is there a chance that they will feel resentful or sad at some time in the future?

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 10:43:34

Chat with her?

Invite her round for a cup of tea?

Not letting them have a relationship?


Clearly not giving a back story hasnt worked out for me on this occasion.

Doing any of the above would never, ever happen.

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 10:44:51

a bit of back story but not all...

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:49:06

I presume your back story is one of mental/emotional abuse. If it is so serious that you think your mother might physically harm the children then obviously you don't need to think twice. The same if you are afraid of your children getting seriously mentally and emotionally hurt in a way that no human being can be expected to deal with.

Is that the case?

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 10:50:46

Only seriously?

So a little mental or emotional hurt is ok then?

Oh right, well I'll pack him off and send him on his merry way then.

redshoeblueshoe Wed 19-Mar-14 10:53:00

Text your DF - No.
Thats it. No discussion. No explanation.
You've got enough to deal with.

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:57:48

I didn't have much contact with one set of grandparents as a result of divorce. I wasn't invited to their funerals. When I was old enough I started to feel bad about that. I felt guilty that I had not phoned them or asked to visit them, even though as a child you kind of rely on the adults to say what you should be doing, and can't just visit people like that.

If your children don't have contact by your choice, they won't get a chance to find out for themselves what their grandmother is like, so they might one day wish they had known her (even if just to judge for themselves) and blame it on you that they never got to know a close family member.

I don't mean this as "But of course you have to let them see her" but as "Think twice or three times before you stop them".

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:04:16

Never seeing my grandparents meant I was spared one kind of mental and emotional pain, but saddled with another kind instead. That's what I mean: only put up with "a little mental or emotional hurt" if your children might feel greater mental or emotional hurt in the future because of not having contact.

PostHocErgoPropterHoc Wed 19-Mar-14 11:05:08

OP, I've seen another poster on here say a few times - if your parent is too difficult for you to deal with, they are definitely too difficult for your child to deal with. As long as you are open (in an age-appropriate way) as to why you don't have contact with your mother I'm sure your ds will accept it.

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:05:44

Could you for example stipulate that your mum can see your son for half an hour in a nearby playground, overseen by your dad/sister/friend?

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 11:06:36

I had NC with both sides of grandparents. Some temporarily and one permenantly.

I never felt bad, I had my parents and respected their reasons for the NC.

At the end of the day my mothers husband is abusive, hes hit her, hes controlling hes bullied me and bullies my mother.

I cannot say for sure that A-he wouldnt be there (what with us having NC) or B- believe her if she said he wasnt. Because he is a nasty controlling bastard.

I will not have my SN son who is already suffering with crippling anxiety go to a grandparent who he has never been alone with, who is married to an abusive man who will probably be there, to a house in which I am not allowed in.

If any of you would, then fine.

But over my dead body will that happen. And even then, my DF and exDP wouldnt allow it.

PostHocErgoPropterHoc Wed 19-Mar-14 11:08:59

ravenmum, it sounds like your situation is quite different, unless your grandparents were toxic, rather than losing contact because of divorce?

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 11:10:30

Raven when I was 12 my mother had an almighty falling out with her mum and dad. Witnessed by myself, my older brother and my 2 year old brother who at 22 remembers it with absolute clarity.

We didnt see our grandparents for 2 years after that.

I see this as no different.

My mother was protecting us.

I am protecting my children.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:14:40

How about coming up with a plan for what she can do and I can understand why you don't want to chat so email it. It's all in the presentation. It's like how you'd deal with a toddler, you can distract away from trouble without negativity. You can do this, rather than you can't do that.

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:15:58

Obviously if there's a risk of actual harm, as I said, the situation is clear. Your mother is perhaps trying to pretend that her life is OK and you are the one with the problem, as she wishes that was the case. Could you write a letter saying that you want no contact between her and you or your family, briefly listing the reasons? Then if she tries any further contact you can just tell her to read the letter again as that's all you need to say.

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:25:00

My situation with my grandparents is different, but that with my mum leans in this direction. Just had a first meeting with a psychotherapist and it was all about my mum, though the actual topic is meant to be my crumbling marriage. In my case, the kids are able to cope with getting to know her; they can probably deal with it better than me. I know for sure that she's not going to hit them, and they/we can discuss and deal with the talk. But in Sack's case it sounds like they would not get anything good out of it, and it's not just a little hurt.

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 11:36:32

There would be no good that comes from it.

If she divorced her husband, things would change dramatically. Id extend a hand to her.

Likewise, if she contacted me and admitted/recognised/stop denying the problems then I would consider contact again.

(For the kids, not me. Ive forgiven her before for her words. Never again. I have no intention of having a relationship).

Caitlyn2014 Wed 19-Mar-14 11:38:06

You were given advice based on what you originally posted. I replied based on being the mother of a severely autistic young man, a mum who knows just what it entails getting to the stage where a relative can take a child out alone.

I find your first reply really rude, advice was offered to you in good faith. Excuse us pls for not being aware there was a back story.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 19-Mar-14 11:38:45

I would ignore. By communicating through your dad, instead of directly with you, she has rendered you invisible in the transaction.

Your dad should know enough to not be the middleman, and tell her to talk to you herself.

You are nc for a reason. A possibility of future sadness of something imagined/missed is mythological brainwashing to keep family connections no matter what. Stay your course, Sack.

Sorry for your sadness, raven, but imho there are things worse and harder to recover from than rose tinted "what might have been" imaginings.

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 11:38:59

(And her alone with the kids)

At the moment she seems to think her and her husband do no wrong, and all the bad comes from me.

Its a repeat of my parents divorce. I was 14 and she said the divorce was my fault. (Nothing to do with her psychoticness and 5 year long affair then?)

She is blaming me for all the issues. Denying, projecting, ignoring and blaming. And once again, Im the scape goat.

SackAndCrack Wed 19-Mar-14 11:41:12

Caitlyn my OP clearly states there is a back story.

People dont NC for shits and giggles.

To have suggestions of having a cup of tea with her was........ Ludicrous.

ravenmum Wed 19-Mar-14 11:43:41

Well, Sack did hint that there was a back story, though I didn't see the link when I posted. I would guess you are feeling quite crap right now, Sack, and not able to cope with anyone that sounds like they might be "on her side". Are you on the psychotherapy? I've just had one session but it's already given me food for thought.

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